my bulimia story part 6 (warning, NOT A PRETTY POST!)

Joe and I continued to date and isolate ourselves from everyone else to keep me away from bad influences. But this meant another temptation. Within 8 months, Joe and I were pregnant.
Now what?

We found ourselves in a christian adoption agency, researching the options. We knew that ending our baby's life was NOT an option! Joe wanted to keep the baby, and I wanted to give it up.

4 weeks after our appointment with the adoption agency, Joe asked me to marry him. He said he would take care of me and the baby and we would raise our baby in a christian home.
Scared, yet, excited, I said YES!

We got married on Nov 9, 1996. I was 6 months pregnant. I moved in with Joe in a little basement suite. This is where things went really wonky.
Not having a clue about self discipline, responsibility or general information and wisdom on healthy living, I very quickly slipped into damaging life patterns.
Not knowing how to be productive with my days and nothing to do, my days were filled with eating, sleeping and watching tv. This is the greatest recipie for depression! This is where my vomiting got alot worse. I would eat so much volume that I felt so sick.

The cycle of eating because you feel bad and feeling bad because I ate....had begun.....
By the end of my pregnancy with Caleb, I had gained 60 pounds.

The next year of my life, food became my constant. whether depressed, really sad, angry, or just bored, food seemed to be the one thing that brought me temporary relief. My bulimia was out of control. Somedays I would binge and throw up up to 3 or 4 times a day. There were a few times I saw blood in the toilet. I didn't know how to stop. Everyday I would wake up not wanting to wake up. Joe would go to work and I was left at home with a special needs child, responsibility I wasn't ready for and my pain I didn't know how to heal.

When I think back to everything I've been through, I would honestly have to say that this time was the hardest to get through. I had regular thoughts of suicide. I cried all the time feeling so trapped in so many lies and strongholds.......Joe remembers driving home from work sometimes really worried that he might find me lying on the bathroom floor with a empty pill bottle to my side. It was really really bad.

My temper was uncontrollable. Mood swings. I would yell and scream, swear, slam doors so hard that pictures would fall off the walls. I would throw things, punch holes in doors and one time, Joe kicked me out. "I will not allow this in our home, you will leave until you have cooled off and can control yourself!" (middle of winter)

I had extreme night terrors (really bad nightmares) of demons, the occult, and torture. I was always afraid and terrified. I had to sleep with the lights on.
Looking back, the enemy had so many holds.......so many doors to walk through. God had a lot of work to do.....

He was patient, kind, uncondtionally forgiving. One by one God took the chains off.....
Faithful to the very end.
Even through all this evil, God loved me and saw me through. He never gave up on me. I never thought I was valuable enough to be saved, yet I knew he was the answer.
Year after year, I cried out to Him.....
Year after year, He answered me.....

"Ogre's are like onions, we've got layers"
-Shrek