After a big victory, I've honestly been trying to find my footing. The last 2 or 3 weeks, it's been gradually falling more and more apart on me.....my life that is...... God is good. He is faithful. I'm so grateful for who He is.
In church worship yesterday, I wept......just sat there and cried through the whole worship time. Crying out, "God, I just wanna lay down and give up. I'm tired, I'm weary, I'm beaten up and I am hurting so bad...." His presence fell on me in such a comforting way. I love that when He does that. It reminds me of when I was bullied as a child, and it seemed that I could never find a safe place. Sometimes, I would just sit in a bathroom stall and cry there all lunch hour. But I found my refuge. Dale Kary asked the church to testify, "WHY DO YOU WORSHIP GOD???"
Good question. Somedays, I worship Him because He's good, and just. Somedays, It's His overwhelming love that causes my to sing. Sometimes, it's because I SEE HIM working in the lives around me and I'm full of praise. Yesterday, He was my daddy. I just sat in His lap and cried.
I continue to place my identity in other things. And my daddy God continues to bring me back to who I am IN HIM. I am first a child of God. My friend Morgan shed even more light on things just the other day. As I've been walking out more of my grief of my son, I've been realizing that Caleb was what made me, me.....I found so much of myself being , "Caleb's mom" Now that he's gone, I've felt lost. It comes and goes, but lately, I've been feeling very lost. Morgan also said, (while she was up at 3 am with her baby) she was thinking of me. She realized that alot of my identity was in my eating disorder too....
2 of the greatest pieces of me have died in the last year. My 9 year old, disabled son. And my 12 year old addiction and disorder known as bulimia. I've always thought of myself as "bulimic" .... I've said so many times this year, "who am I?"... I've been asking God to root me firmer, deeper in HIM, so that when these life storms come, I am not shaken like I have been in this last year. God knows who I am, He tells me who I am. God, plant it......may I recieve it full measure. May I believe it just like a child.
3 comments:
what a beautiful post... I relate a lot to this.
Thanks for visiting the pms club!
wow. those are revelations...GOOD ones, ones that will bring you to healing! i've been struggling so much with my identity lately...i think i need to dig deeper and see what needs to "pass on" and find myself in the new.
blessings.
I can very much relate with this from different angles. When I look back to the times where I knew His love the MOST, they were times of deep struggle, still dabbling in drugs, struggling with food, fighting with my hubby (not like we don't fight now but you know what I mean), laziness, gluttony, smoking.....how could it be that I knew His love the most when I was so deep in sin. I look at myself now, and wonder, what is He going to fix now? I must not see the condition of my mediocre heart with deep godly sorrow or surrender. Why have I made in up in my head that only outward sin is bad? (not like I have none but you know what I mean) Why do I insist on continuing on by myself?
Sigh.....I'm with you. Am loving hearing all that God is speaking to you. Am loving that He has us on similar paths for a reason. I remember this one time, (I was high LOLOLOL, but after I was saved, hmmmm.....that's so funny) Anyway, I stared at a picture of you and I, for a long long long time. We're sitting on Auntie's couch with our arms around eachother, you're wearing your little essential oil thingy around your neck, I have my eyebrow ring and black spikey hair) I just sat there, with this picture of us, and looked and studied, everything about it (as a true burnout would). God spoke to me so much in that moment, about us being on the same path, about us being knit together in such a beautiful way, only by His love, even though we're so different. I'm so blessed to have you in my life.....I know He has so many more plans and purposes for our relationship, I can't even grasp. There is a deep testimony that speaks to others in us together as a team, I know this in my head, it's blaffles me still, I can't understand it. But you know what I mean. (do I get points for all the times I said "you know what I mean"?)
I'm such a sap.
By the way, you don't look like a football player, that's the style. Now do you want me as your fashion advisor or not?
You've officially entered into the stage of being able to wear white. How does it feel? Do you have any comments for your fans?
*insert microphone in your face here*
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