Raw, open and honest......

Being that my blog's major purpose is like a journal, yet an open journal, I will share where I'm at...

Apparently, I am realizing how much of a "stuffer" I have become. Pieces of the puzzle that I've been trying to put together over the last year and a half are coming....slowly. Since Caleb's death, I've changed. I didn't even realize it, it was sudden, yet gradual as well. I have not been ACKNOWLEDGING my feelings, emotions and pain. Ever since I went to rehab at 15, I've been taught so much about emotional health. I learned how important it was to be real with yourself and to be honest with where you're at. I caught on to all of it quickly, simply because it felt so healing to cry and let it all out.

When I first fell in love with Jesus, it was specatcular! It was heavenly. It was raw....open....honest.....no masks, no gimmicks....just me and Jesus. If I fell on my face and got snot all over my face, I didn't care! As long as I was in the holy prescence of My God! If I was dancing for My God and my belly hung out and jiggled, it didn't matter, cause God loved my flabby skin and rolls......
At home, was the same....I would fall on my face during the day, surrendering my life as it came. I would pray for my neighbours, sit in my car and just weep for them. I would get words from God for specific people on my street and pray into that. My faith was so child like.

Since Caleb's death, I feel like I've become old and calloused by life. My faith has just hit a wall....My spirit is crying out to be real, to RELEASE myself to the almighty arms.....but I'm not trusting. He's the same God....I know this in my head.....but I'm so scared all the time to take the masks off. To let me be me......I'm afraid of the poop I'm going to find. All the crap over the last year and half and who knows how much longer than that.....will come out!

Today, I'm going to my parents house to get my son's wheelchair. I'm going to put it right in my living room so that Caleb can see our new living room. I didn't want to admit it (with all the work and money we put into the new living room and plus I didn't want to be "ungrateful") But I don't like my new living room! And yesterday I realized that it's because Caleb never got to see it. I feel that I've erased him somehow.....

Well, I pray that God can get through my fears somehow and that I can be sweetly broken......I want to shatter so bad......But I'm afraid I'll break for good.....but yet knowing that he won't let me.....
I'm all over the board as you can tell. But there is a glimmer of hope as I feel God is answering my prayers for healing and answers of what the heck's been going on!

I've been so busy trying to "fix" myself and "grow in the Lord" that I'm not growing at all. I'm so preoccupied of "getting there" that I'm forgetting that I'm not a robot, I'm a person with complex feelings and pains to work through.....I want off the road of destination....I really want off........BAD.....