One year ago

I was pondering where I was at a year ago and all that has changed in only one year of my life.....

One year ago:

-Joe and I found out we were pregnant with Elishah (on June 30 2006)

We were at Saskatoon Asian on a date. We snuck into the girls bathroom stall and took a pregnancy test! We were very very happy!

-Our first born son was still alive

We were getting ready to go on a trip to Winnipeg and take Caleb to a stay in Parkridge for 13 days.

-We rented the home we now own!

We were just starting to find out some answers to some questions about buying this house...

-We slept in a corner (with spiders!) of our unfinished basement.

Our house only had one floor, 3 bedrooms and one bathroom. Now it has 5 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms and 2 living rooms!!!

- was 143 pounds.....sigh.....

I am now 167 pounds with a total of 27 pounds lost from the pregnancy! And plan to be 140 by christmas! (and a runner!)

-We almost had a 2006 dodge caravan wheelchair accesible to a family of soon to be 7!!!

After Caleb's death, the van went to a dear dear single mom that has a daughter in a wheelchair...so we still have our ol beat up 1998 windstar.

-Our house had all white walls!

Now we have a bright green room, a purple room, a yellow room, an orange room, a moss and sunflower room, a cranberry red and beige room, a periwinkle room and a ghostbuster slime green and sky blue room!

-We were a family of 6

We are now a family of 7 with an amazing son dancing with Jesus right now!

-My sister, Nin lived in a small, sweaty, stuffy, hot, boring, far apartment

Now she lives on my street! Along with my mom and dad across the way!

-We had an average size TV that we never watched. Didn't even have channels

Now we have a 42 inch plasma TV that I think gets watched way too often with all the channels you can think of!

Alot can happen in one year. We have one shot. One chance. To make this life count. Our GREAT AND AMAZING God is the giver and the taker...I pray that at the end of each day, I will know I gave him my all

I am a lioness, I just need to walk it out

The song, "the voice of truth" is on my heart today. It talks about how the "giants" in your life laugh at you and tell you that you will never make it. But the voice of truth tells you not to be afraid and that it's for His glory.....I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth....

I have serious fear issues.
I have issues of bitterness that I never realized how deep rooted they really were until I tried pulling them out.

The last couple of months, I have been challenged to walk as a godly wife. One that blesses, helps, encourages and prays for my husband. One that doesn't nag, isn't afraid of him making the "wrong choices", and isn't his "holy spirit".
This is where I'm at in a nutshell:
I can "SEE" (I feel like God has opened my eyes) to what is really going on. When I'm acting out of fear instead of trust. I can see when I'm holding on to something from a long time ago and I know that love keeps no record of wrongs.
I can see when I'm being controlling and nagging and in my heart I'm frustrated instead being at peace and laying it all down.

Joe and I took a "love and respect" course 2 years ago. I am still slowly reading a book called "created to be his helpmeet" (you need to read it slow...there's lots to chew on)
I find myself at the end of everyday, repenting for nagging, or being fearful, or letting bitterness root deeper.....Last night, I did it again. I get tied between all the "reasons" (which really are excuses) for being angry, being bitter, or fearful and knowing in my heart where I need to walk.

I told Joe last night that "if I had some thread of hope to hang on to that this would change, I wouldn't be so upset, angry, I could forgive you, I could walk rightly...."
Did Jesus receive that from the people that nailed him to the cross?
He even washed Judas' feet and he KNEW he would betray him.
I know in my spirit what I need to do......
I cry out to Him, and keep turning from it.....
Joe says that I am changing....
I wonder.....
I prayed with him last night and layed it all down again.
I have 1 Cor 13 on my school board. I want to love as Jesus loved.
We don't know what love is in this world. The world tells us that we have rights. Therefore, if someone has violated those rights, we then in turn have the right to not love....
NOT SO

Teach me to LOVE Lord.....give me your heart.

I want to be this beautiful lioness, one that is graceful, yet powerful, standing behind my lion...

Fruit that will last

On June 1st, Nin and I started a journey. We are running in the physical to learn in the spiritual. We are reaping blessings and rewards in the physical already, but the things we are learning in the spiritual are pretty cool!

We have a course that we started in our neighbourhood (which we have now lengthened) We use lamposts to break up the workout. We walk normal for some, power walk for some, jog for some and sprint for some. When we first started we mapped out our "main drag" for our jog that we would eventually lengthen. We first we able to jog for 2 posts and there was no talking, just concentration on not dying! LOL
Now our main drag has lengthened to 4 posts, which we can talk during and the recovery is by no means as bad as it used to be.
At the end of our course, nin and I turned the last stretch into a sprint. (this is where I literally die!! LOL) At the end of the course last night, nin had to coach me through breathing! But in time this will get easier too.THIS IS NOT NIN AND I IN THIS PIC...it's just a couple of girls I found on the net....(some people actually thought it was nin and I...)

What a journey. We find that as we approach our "main drag" where it's time to run the distance, we get intimidated. We are about to face our "giant" We gather up our courage, our strength, say a little prayer and take a step of faith...to run the race set before us.

The parables are fascinating. Everything from cramps to commitment, all ties into our walk with God.
I am mostly encouraged that 2 sisters, raised by a mother that never followed through with anything, has no idea to this day what a commitment means.....are sticking it out, are bearing fruit! Nin and I have a history in our pasts to fizzle out, to give up, to not go the distance. This is the curse that wants to carry on through the blood lines. I love being able to run along side my only sister and physically declare that we will not stand for this as part of our heritage...We run together and by every step we take, we are gaining more ground.....
and for us....this is NEW GROUND.

Usually, this is the point of a journey where I'm all pumped and emotional. But God is teaching me to stay steady....not hyped. I am encouraged, but focused. It's a race of endurance, not temporary fruit....but "fruit that will last"

tidbit and bit tid

Went to get Elishah weighed this morning and so far she's gaining well. The nurse was so encouraging and supportive. I am so thankful that I took that leap of faith and went after my dream. Elishah is exclusively breastfeeding now with a very occasional supplement through the tube. Her poop is smelling sweeter thank God!! LOL, those formula poops are pretty rank!

I just have to share this.....the last time nin and ran together yesterday, we decided that the very last stretch of the course would be a fairly fast run....so for the last 2 lamp posts, we sprinted as fast as our legs could take us to the finish line! It was sooooo hard! But it was sooooo good!!! I felt like an eagle, rising above the whole world! It's such an adventurous journey...

updates!!!!!

BREASTFEEDING UPDATE

Breast feeding is going increasingly better. I'm now on day 5 of some pills that produce prolactin in your body and pumping every 2 to 3 hours.
When I first started on day one, I was only able to get a quarter of an ounce out of the pump. At the breast, I had a little tube in the corner of her mouth, feeding formula through a syringe at every feed.
5 days later, I now am able to feed her without the SNS tube (supplemental nursing system) right and left breast and then pump up to 2 ounces after each feeding.
I'm not out of the woods yet. Only my little Elishah will be able to make the final decision as to whether she wants to continue. But I think bringing my milk back with this pump and the pills is going fairly well.

MARRIAGE UPDATE

I am so passionate about marriage and all God has purposed for it! Ever since Joe and I took a "love and respect" course (by emerson enriches) 2 years ago, our marriage is constantly changing for the better. It's mostly 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it's 2 steps back...but for the most part, God continues to fire our hearts with walking a Godly marriage out.
Another amazing tool I've found is a book called, created to be his help meet. WOW, it really just speaks to the wives. It causes you to only look at yourself and challenges you to change yourself and to stop trying to change your spouse. There is so so so much blessing in walking in the purpose of being your hubby's helpmeet. and it's a double folded blessing, because your hubby becomes more and more free to hear and follow God, instead of all your expectations. Having our 5th child really rocked the boat on this issue, but God has been faithful to get us back on track and take us further and further than we've ever been!!

RUNNING UPDATE

Nin and I are still faithfully running. The other night, nin shared that she ran really fast without getting tired....makes me think of the verse in Isaiah that we will runa dn not grow weary!! We are learning more parables as we run and face obstacles in the physical, we are learning much in the spiritual.
Hebrews 12 is a total running chapter! It has been my inspiration for the last while!
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

The whole chapter is amazing and worth to tie it around your neck and put it in your heart!!


BULIMIA UPDATE

Let's just say it's been over a week now and I have accountability in place to keep me on the straight and narrow!

that's all for now!

We are getting our milk back....hopefully

Joe asked me last night why I'm going through so much effort to breast feed my baby.

Yes, I have decided to fight for my milk.
My friend that had a baby just after me, phoned me to console me. She so graciously offered to pump and give me her breast milk for my baby.....
Let me just say that it was salt on the wound. "I can feed my baby and have so much milk that I can feed your baby too!!!"
I know she didn't mean it that way, she is a sweet heart and I have to admit that I've actually offered "my womb" to my sister inlaw just in case she needed it!!! (I was 18 when I said that, and I've wanted to take it back as soon as it left my mouth!!)

So after her lovely offer, I had a huge MELT DOWN. Bawling my eyes out with intense grief. A big part of my melt down was wondering if I had really done enough to save my milk...and knowing deep down in my heart, I DID NOT do everything I could have to save it.

This is probably my last baby, this is my last chance to fulfill this dream. If God gives me back my dream....THANK YOU!!! If not, I will have peace. Knowing that I did my part, I will take His answer.

So I went off to borrow a big huge pump from the breast feeding clinic, got some prescribed pills, and for the last 24 hours, have been fighting for my milk back.....and I feel great about it. Honestly, whatever the outcome, I know I need to do this.

So I will keep on truckin, leaving the outcome in the hands of the dream giver, waiting the answer that He will give me. Will I be able to nurse to a year....???? Only time will tell.

Breast feeding has come to a sad end

Grieving the loss of feeding my baby has been tough. The week before the wedding, I dried up.
(Caleb was unable to nurse due to his severe CP)
Child #1: Noah....I dried up at 4 months
Child #2: Isaiah...By 3 and a half months, we were on the bottle
Child #3: Faith...I was able to breastfeed her till she was 7 months old!

I thought that the problem with my first two kids were due to the birth control pill. Since I wasn't on the pill with Faith, I thought that I'd found the root of the problem. I came into the newest #4th baby with high hopes and dreams. I had a beautiful picture of me nursing my one year old, going from breast to cup. Something I've never experienced before. This was a huge let down to find out that the inevitable was taking place. Powerless to stop it, I feel so so sad.
Feeding a foreign substance into my tiny little helpless baby has not been easy. I've finally been able to put words to how I'm feeling about this.

There is a nuturing mother in me, given by God to want to love, nuture and give to my little babies. I feel that a part of this has been taken from me. The chance to be able to pour my all into my helpless ones is very important to me.

I know this may seem silly to some, and that's okay. I am okay with my strong desire to want to mother and nuture my babies. There's nothing funny or strange about it. It's just the way God made me.

Now after all that is said, I deep down trust that God knows best. That He is the giver and the taker. I feel blessed to have been given the chance to nurse them at least this far. I also know that God blesses me to grieve. So I will grieve......grieve the loss of a BIG DREAM.....and place it in the hands of the dream giver.

bored and looked like fun

A - Age: 28

B - Band listening to right now:Casting crowns/Lifesong

C - Career future: Can't see beyond diapers, legos, markers and laundry...

D - Dad's name: Rick the Lip

E - Easiest person to talk to:Nin my sister

F - Favorite song: The voice of truth (casting crowns)

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Neither....gives me a tummy ache

H - Hometown: Saskatoon

I - Instruments: Serving spoons and garden tools

J - Job: a helper "wanna be" to my hubby and a mom that hopefully is training her kids to be just like Jesus

K - Kids: 5...2 boys and 3 girls

L - Longest car ride ever: Vancouver

M - Mom's name: Mary, Irene, Preema, kokum, mother figure...

N - Number of times you've been in love: One, true love...with Joe....the others, I THOUGHT it was love...but twasn't

O - Optimum time of day to work: late evening...when my 5th wind kicks in

P - Phobia[s]: fear of losing control, driving on the highway, heights, my kids dying, cancer, bugs in my food, a flat tire, getting pregnant again....

Q - Quote: "you can't change what you don't acknowledge" "being 'right' is awful lonely"

R - Reason to smile: Because I am free, I just need to walk it out

S - Song you sang last: "you know better than I" from the movie "joseph king of dreams"

T - Time you wake up: Too late these days!!! about 9am

U - Unknown fact about me: I used to chew my toenails

V - Vegetable you hate: TURNIPS!!! yuck!

W - Worst habit: chewing off all my nails till there is none left, then chewing off the skin around my nails that aren't there, then making them bleed, then picking off the scabs and making bigger scabs, then taking the nail clippers to my mutilated fingers and making way worse......

X - X-rays you've had: ??

Y - Yummy food: Pretty much anything loaded in firey spice that gives you cramps and diaherah (however you spell that!)

Z - Zodiac sign: I liked my sisters answer....I don't place my destiny in the stars but the one who MADE the stars (good one nin!)

update

Yesterday, I ran a total of 7 lamp posts
A total of 5 unmissed walk/runs for 2 weeks
Today, I fit a new pair of jeans
I can walk without being out of breath
I haven't thrown up my food since Sunday
I won the battle yesterday....almost fell, but "fought the good fight of faith" (That verse is in Timothy somewhere)

Now being a helper to my husband........sigh.....there's a whole nother battle ground.......
LOL
I have to learn to give up control. I desire to be there for him.
He needs me...
God's not done with that one either. And I will trust that someday, I will be a wise proverbs 31 woman and helper to my husband!

You know better than I

A dear friend reminded me of this AWESOME song this morning( click on the previous link for the video)!!! She just found out that her father has cancer. In these tough times, God's love for us is our foundation. It's from the movie "Joseph, King of Dreams" Click on the link to see the trailer of the movie.

This will be the song in my heart for a while. Enjoy and let God work new levels of trust in your heart...For God knows, I am weary in this moment....please pray for me tonight!

Faith has made it easy to see the best thing I can do is put my trust in you
You know better than I
you know the way
I've let go the need to know why
for you know better than I

If I let you reach me, will you teach me?
I'll take what answers you supply