A child of God? Or Caleb's mom? or bulimic?

What a journey. There's been so much going on in my spirit....it's been a tough go the last while.

After a big victory, I've honestly been trying to find my footing. The last 2 or 3 weeks, it's been gradually falling more and more apart on me.....my life that is...... God is good. He is faithful. I'm so grateful for who He is.

In church worship yesterday, I wept......just sat there and cried through the whole worship time. Crying out, "God, I just wanna lay down and give up. I'm tired, I'm weary, I'm beaten up and I am hurting so bad...." His presence fell on me in such a comforting way. I love that when He does that. It reminds me of when I was bullied as a child, and it seemed that I could never find a safe place. Sometimes, I would just sit in a bathroom stall and cry there all lunch hour. But I found my refuge. Dale Kary asked the church to testify, "WHY DO YOU WORSHIP GOD???"

Good question. Somedays, I worship Him because He's good, and just. Somedays, It's His overwhelming love that causes my to sing. Sometimes, it's because I SEE HIM working in the lives around me and I'm full of praise. Yesterday, He was my daddy. I just sat in His lap and cried.

I continue to place my identity in other things. And my daddy God continues to bring me back to who I am IN HIM. I am first a child of God. My friend Morgan shed even more light on things just the other day. As I've been walking out more of my grief of my son, I've been realizing that Caleb was what made me, me.....I found so much of myself being , "Caleb's mom" Now that he's gone, I've felt lost. It comes and goes, but lately, I've been feeling very lost. Morgan also said, (while she was up at 3 am with her baby) she was thinking of me. She realized that alot of my identity was in my eating disorder too....

2 of the greatest pieces of me have died in the last year. My 9 year old, disabled son. And my 12 year old addiction and disorder known as bulimia. I've always thought of myself as "bulimic" .... I've said so many times this year, "who am I?"... I've been asking God to root me firmer, deeper in HIM, so that when these life storms come, I am not shaken like I have been in this last year. God knows who I am, He tells me who I am. God, plant it......may I recieve it full measure. May I believe it just like a child.

Holy moment

was this a coincidence that I stumbled on to this long ago post?......
I think not.........

Click here to see what God spoke to me today, THROUGH MY OWN WORDS

Raw, open and honest......

Being that my blog's major purpose is like a journal, yet an open journal, I will share where I'm at...

Apparently, I am realizing how much of a "stuffer" I have become. Pieces of the puzzle that I've been trying to put together over the last year and a half are coming....slowly. Since Caleb's death, I've changed. I didn't even realize it, it was sudden, yet gradual as well. I have not been ACKNOWLEDGING my feelings, emotions and pain. Ever since I went to rehab at 15, I've been taught so much about emotional health. I learned how important it was to be real with yourself and to be honest with where you're at. I caught on to all of it quickly, simply because it felt so healing to cry and let it all out.

When I first fell in love with Jesus, it was specatcular! It was heavenly. It was raw....open....honest.....no masks, no gimmicks....just me and Jesus. If I fell on my face and got snot all over my face, I didn't care! As long as I was in the holy prescence of My God! If I was dancing for My God and my belly hung out and jiggled, it didn't matter, cause God loved my flabby skin and rolls......
At home, was the same....I would fall on my face during the day, surrendering my life as it came. I would pray for my neighbours, sit in my car and just weep for them. I would get words from God for specific people on my street and pray into that. My faith was so child like.

Since Caleb's death, I feel like I've become old and calloused by life. My faith has just hit a wall....My spirit is crying out to be real, to RELEASE myself to the almighty arms.....but I'm not trusting. He's the same God....I know this in my head.....but I'm so scared all the time to take the masks off. To let me be me......I'm afraid of the poop I'm going to find. All the crap over the last year and half and who knows how much longer than that.....will come out!

Today, I'm going to my parents house to get my son's wheelchair. I'm going to put it right in my living room so that Caleb can see our new living room. I didn't want to admit it (with all the work and money we put into the new living room and plus I didn't want to be "ungrateful") But I don't like my new living room! And yesterday I realized that it's because Caleb never got to see it. I feel that I've erased him somehow.....

Well, I pray that God can get through my fears somehow and that I can be sweetly broken......I want to shatter so bad......But I'm afraid I'll break for good.....but yet knowing that he won't let me.....
I'm all over the board as you can tell. But there is a glimmer of hope as I feel God is answering my prayers for healing and answers of what the heck's been going on!

I've been so busy trying to "fix" myself and "grow in the Lord" that I'm not growing at all. I'm so preoccupied of "getting there" that I'm forgetting that I'm not a robot, I'm a person with complex feelings and pains to work through.....I want off the road of destination....I really want off........BAD.....

Cry it out

One of my mentors was here this morning. She's taking me through a book called, "every woman's battle' It's a book on guarding you heart, taking your thoughts captive and keeping your heart only for your love for Jesus. She reads aloud to me a chapter a week and then we pray and talk about what God is saying to us.

This chapter was about keeping your heart safe from potential harmful and sinful relationships. And about the sequence in which you can enter into them. Red, yellow and green lights. The five stages of a relationship: Attention Attraction affection Emotional arousal and attachement emotional affairs and addiction

This book is focused on mostly keeping your guard against someone of the opposite sex, but following what Jesus says that ANYTHING can become a source for you, when you are avoiding pain.

There are people that use the emotional and physical affairs to numb and treat pain that's inside. We are all just looking for love. My eyes were opened that I am still very much running to things to ease my pain. Not a person, but shopping, food, and exersice. But more than that, God revealed to me that instead of getting the hammer out and beating myself brutally and repeatitivly for sinning, I really need to deal with the hurt and pain in my heart. I am stuffing it in fear of how much it will hurt coming out. And also, I have numbed myself so long, that I'm having a hard time even getting IN TOUCH with that pain....

Caleb.....A very big hurt in my heart still. Some of you would be thinking, "holy, it's been like a year and a half! get over it!" well, whatever, if you're saying that. It's still a huge hurt and throbs if I can get deep enough to feel it. God, allow me to cry, hurt, grieve. Allow me to pour out to you. take it, heal it.........be with me......

got 2 tickets today!

One of "THOSE DAYS"....

don't you hate those days?

Today, I need to:
Take Elishah to the eye specialist that we've been waiting for months

Freezing rain to scrape
Elishah's stroller in Joe's car
Can't find a parking spot, have to park in the residential area blocks away!
No stroller, have to carry baby in wind and snow
Wait forEVER.........
Leave my sister's mitts at the hospital!
Go back to the van to find 2 tickets!!!!
one for my rear end hanging off the end of the 2 hour parking sign (50$ no reduction!)
and the other one for not having the sticker on my plates! (50$ with a possible 30$ reduction)

In 20 more minutes, I am taking my 2 babies to get their shots....a bit nervous, knowing that it's "one of THOSE DAYS"......and with the weather....so much for global warming......

The story of stuff

This is a neat little presentation of consumerism. I really enjoyed it and was challenged in my shopping habits!!!

Click here

My friend morgie poo

Morgan is the bride and I was her maid of honor in 2005.

The REAL GOOD friends only come once in a life time....mine came when I was 5 years old and has stuck by me like loyal glue ever since.

Morgan..... Last night we went to the field house to workout and I had such a good time! We killed every mucsle group we could think of and then some! I'm feelin it today man! How you doin????

Seriously....being sappy, but for serious real.....she has amazing qualities, I'm so blessed to have her.
She's honest. She'll tell youwhat she sees and with YOU BEST INTEREST AT HEART
She's loyal. You can trust her to keep your secrets. She'll be there WHEVEVER you need her
She's super fun. Not afraid to laugh at herself.....OR ME....when I was trying to do those nasty leg lifts with my abs!!!!
She whole hearted. She puts her whole self into what she does, her job, her daughter, her friends, her marriage....
She's selfless. She will always think of what she can do to help you. Alot of times before she thinks of what she needs....but she's not a martyr.

Yesterday, after leaving my body on the floor at the field house, and my spirit somehow left the building......we were standing there in the parking lot saying goodbye. I couldn't help but smile super big. I was overwhelmed with the blessing that I had in this friend. She loves me, and I love her.....This is sounding so sappy....but I just need to say it.

God, thanks for giving her to me. You knew that we needed eachother.

Nothing important to say

I go through spurts with my blog, where I have lost of profound things to say and then I'm just dry. And if I DO have things I'm learning, I'm just not in the mood to share them.

I tried to sit down and write out my last couple of parts to my eating disorder story, but my brain seems fried. I still haven't had an episode and am determined to never return to that part of my old life. Hopefully sometime this week, I will get the last part published.

As of now, lots of things are rattling around in my head and heart. I'm processing alot and God is saying things that I'm trying to to filter and discern.

Sickness continues in my home. My throat is still a mild bother, and my little baby girl has a fever. This is part of what I'm trying to discern. Why are we sick all the time?

On a better note, Joe has started biking to work this week. We bought this tub of 'veggies' that you mix in a cup of water. It's green powder stuff, since Joe doesn't eat any fruits or veggies. Joe drank a cup "o veggie" the first couple of days and then left it. But this morning I saw it out on the counter. He phoned me from work and said he feels great! I've always wanted him to start taking care of his body. I want to grow old with him and have a great quality of life when we are old and retired. We had our first child in high school, we've never been alone. So when our kids grow up and move out, I'm excited to have a head start with my hubby! there are pros and cons to having kids sooner or later. The pro for having them sooner is that we will be young when they grow up. And hopefully healthy and well.

Not sick and on a roll

I don't have much time to post an update, but a couple of secs to say that I'm better and we are back on track with school. Feels much better to be doing what you need to be doing.

I still wanna finish my bulimia testimony!!! I'm at the part where I decided enough is enough. On Feburary 5 of this year, I took a plunge. and as of today it's been 2 months and 4 days since my last episode! So when I get a chance, I will continue the story. Although the story NEVER ENDS.....something I'm really learning. There is never an end, it goes on till christ comes back! I guess in my head somewhere, I keep thinking that I will arrive, or be done......

Not so......
Jesus is NEVER done with us.
The potter continues to mold.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

For over a week now, I've been sick. My throat hurts so much! FOr most of the day, it's bearable, but then at night, I can't talk, yawn, swallow.....

I hate feeling like this. Out of routine, (not that I was really in a good one before) I'm not used to having no energy. I can't run or workout, because my body needs to rest right now. I forced myself to go out for a run last Tuesday, and I got worse.

The kids and I put our finishing touches on the new, revised schedule. (we tweek it about twice a year with changing babies, nap schedules and new commitments) Our Easter break went a whole week longer than I wanted...I think that after a very eventful and stressful week, my body just crashed.
They are excited about the new schedule, they love following the little squares!.... but I'm disappointed that I'm not feeling 100%. I love to kick off new things with that burst of energy and freshness....but we gotta do what we gotta do....no matter how sick i'm feeling.

I would like for our homeschool to be pretty much wrapped up at the end of May. Noah's language arts will probable go through June, but that's it.

All our new books and materials came in the mail a couple of weeks ago for next year! How exciting! If things keep following the curve, next year will be even better!

My favs....

Subway chicken breast 6 inch! with sweet onion and hot sauce!
One whole wheat tortilla and a scoop of beans (stolen idea from my awesome sis corey!)
This movie deepens my faith, my commintment, and he pours more love each time I see this movie!
Classic Uncle buck! Buck: Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.
Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.
Out of all 6 this one rocked! it was a dark one, but it tied them all together nicely.
still watch this. whether it's while eating popcorn, or running on the treadmill, it's always good for a good laugh!
WOW, I am still amazed at how well this one was done !
The warden: "he just up and vanished like a fart in the wind!!!!!'
One of my recent favs....I am legend. A must see.....but make sure you have someone close to you to watch it with! It's a jumpy one!

I am robot. Cool concept, good special effects!
Good ol' "cool runnings" Who's seen this and feel in love with it?

Jesus has so much to teach me about unconditional love. I love this pic cause this shows how gentle he is and how he loves children. Jesus is the man!


Casting crowns. Has become a staple in my worship. With songs directly related to losing my oldest son and how has gotten me through it.

Group 1 crew. A christian hip hop band with a real message of hope and forgiveness~
Kj......a rapper.....and raps about real life, real things and about how he's sold out to Christ!

Rihanna! Please don't stop the music, shut up and drive and Rehab and my favs to run to.Ever since I was a child, I have had most of her albums. She has so much talent. Can you believe she's 50!!!???


Love this reality show. They take 6 months and follow people through their journey. no gimicks, no diets, just sweat, eating clean and working hard.Last 10 pounds boot camp. I get so many ideas for my own walk from this show. That's where I was inspired to start doing stairs with Nin! It was a final challenge on this show!

Running is still my passion and it's a good way to release the stress from the day.I have realized with running that without core body strength, you can't really go that far. So core workouts are a part of my life now.

Nature.....outdoors. quiet....a place where God can speak to me.



Love homedepot! Sometimes tho, going there makes me feel discontent with what I have....
Who DOESN"T love dollarama!???

These things are so cool! I bought one a month ago and I can still smell when it switches smells. It's fresh, and makes my home more relaxing.


DUH.....who would have guessed?
Asian food....of course still a fan of Saskatoon asian!

Rainbows have always been extra special to me. They remind of God's faithfulness and that He always always keeps his promises

There's nothing like a timmy's to "pick you up" on the way home from running errands!

A new blog from hope!

Check out this new blog. My friend colleen has started. She is such a blessing. Enjoy!