Highlights of Isaiah's 9th birthday party

What is a trip to the pool without their famous fries and watered down ketchup?!


Isaiah wanted a Build-a-Bear cake....whatdya think? Wish I had more choices with icing colors. I ran out of colors.



The gang



Isaiah's money that she used to buy her very first hamster. She names him the same name of my childhood hamster, Toby.
Klaudia chowin down on Cheetos

Noah surrounded by girls....but he's used to it
Beautiful girlies

On the way home, a car full of hyper girls and Noah, just plain sick of it :P

From heroin to methadone

They say that heroin is one of the hardest drugs to come off of. It's highly addictive with severe withdrawl symptoms. Withdraws can look like: nasty nausea, extreme vomiting, major diarrhea, wicked chills, runny nose, intense sweating, tears, really bad aches and pains in the muscles and extreme restlessness. So to take someone off of heroin without putting them through h e l l and back, doctors will actually ween the heroin addict slowly off and at the same time give them a similar drug called methadone. It helps with all those symptoms...

With all that said, My blog is now my replacement for my long lost friend-facebook. With the constant need to update what I'm doing and hear what others are doing. So I guess for the time being, my blog is my methadone. I have to relieve my "restlessness" aka-status updates in the form of useless random facts about my boring life LOL....sad isn't it?

But t'is what it is....so here are my facts for the day :P:P

-I have air conditioning!!!! Like real central air that comes out of your vents! The kind where you stand in your kitchen and have freezing cold air blow on your toes to the point where you have to wear slippers in the middle of summer!

-I am officially TATTOOED! I got my first tattoo yesterday and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! it's the word "Chosen" I will post pics of it soon :D And it is true what they say, as soon as you get your first one, you are already thinking of what to get next!!! Oh my....what have I started???!! :D:D and as a side note...I LOVE THIS BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!

-Our plumbing is redicoulsy screwed up and I'm very nervous to get the bill when they are all done figuring out what the h e l l is wrong with it.
1. Our upstairs tub and toilet to not drain/flush.
2. we removed the toilet from downstairs and sink to replace lino and found a crapload of DIRT under the toilet!!! DIRT!?
3. there has been rank smells coming from our drains for like 2 to 3 years now
4. we found that under our tub....NEW TUB downstairs was a TON of stale gross water! where did that come from?
5. we've had coffee grinds come out of our laundry room drain

My kids DISSECTED a frog today! Like cut him open, took his guts out, cut off it's head, legs, found all it's innerads and then threw it out.....EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I may be getting a job at fitness focus.... There is a guy there that has already set it up for me, to be mentored, already told his boss about me....so maybe the shaw center won't be happening just yet :D:D:D:D

Thanks for sharing in my useless facts. The methadone is working in times of severe withdrawals :P

My opinion on the Mel Gibson rant

So apparently there was a tape released by his 39 year old new girlfriend of Mel ranting, swearing, calling her names etc.... Being the curious person that I am, I had to hear it for myself. I have to admit, I think that tape was disgusting....and I'm not disgusted with Mel. The media is slamming him, saying that his career is over and that he's a new level of crazy. Of course, Mel's had his share of life struggles. Addiction mostly. It's human nature to take sides, and it's dumb for me to even think I could see this relationship in it's fullness, but there's a big part of me that's really @#!*% off at HER!

She set him up! It's so obvious that she preplanned that whole recording. And of course, the person with the least amount of self control gets slammed. He's raging mad, because he's hurt. I was able to hear his heart's cry in all the swearing and yelling. He just wants to be loved, for him, not for his money. This Oksana chick is known for being a gold digger. She's done it twice before in two other marriages.

Of course, Mel is reaping what he is sowing. He tried for 29 years to make his marriage work. He wasn't perfect. I'm sure that Robyn (his ex) went through alot with all of Mel's issues. But he's just another man, with a big hole in his heart for unconditional love. And listening to those tapes, there wasn't a single BREATH of compassion/love/support from Oksana. She gives two @#!*% about him. The fact that she put all this on the web???? What kind of a woman does that to her man? Someone after money I'd say.

After going through a separation myself, I see things differently. If I would have heard that tape before Joe left, I would have been all against Mel.....not so now. He's wounded. He's going for healing in all the wrong places and I believe he knows this. I think he knows his mistakes. I think that he loved Robyn, very very much. I believe he wanted to be a good dad and husband, but he gave up hope on himself and felt guilty for all the crap he pulled on the ones he loved. I believe that he tried starting over, and she conned him into thinking that she really loved him, which in fact, the truth comes out now that she's in it for his money. He sees this and is very hurt.

With all that said.....there are always two sides to the story. I'm not saying that she's all at fault, and he's a victim or she's a victim......I'm just saying that it's easy to attack the raging one. And once you listen to that actual recording, you can hear the coldness in her voice. He even says to her "you have no soul...you have NO soul!!" At least he HAS feelings!
If you want to hear a clip of it, you can click here. WARNING....it's not for young ears. lots of swearing and insulting.....

Living without facebook status updates

Since I can't tell the world what I'm doing every two seconds, and since I know they care SO much, and since everyone is waiting on pins and needles to hear "what's on my mind".......
I'll have to release some of this on my blog....sigh....human nature is so interesting......

-I ran home from the church today, and I have one sore hip flexor and one sore ankle. It sucks when I can't run without pain.
-on the bright side, I came home and ate sushi and an asian salad...totally addicted to those premade salads with pinapples, almonds etc. It's only 150 cals per serving (plus tuna of course!)
-We need a sitter for lifegroup tonight! So if you are reading this and wanna come wrangle our rugrats for 2.5 hours, give us a call!

on a more deeper level:
-Something clicked yesterday for me. Realizing that I totally define myself by outward circumstances, people and things. When in fact, my core worth in internal......(im sure this is a no brainer for most people and so many people have been saying this to me for so long, but i just needed to be ready to hear it)
-have hope again for the first time in a while for myself.
-am learning to value myself
-am learning that I am a person separate from all other things and people.
-learning that it really wasn't my fault, and starting to let that actually sink in
-wanting more and more to be free......and i want it for me, and not someone else.

My life in point form

I love these kind of posts. they are easy, to the point and it will relieve some of the withdrawls I'm having being without facebook :)

-We picked the paint for downstairs. Our 3 year old basement is getting renovated!
-Since we went color happy/crazy when we first bought the house, we are toning it down with some normal colors :)
-Taupe in our bedroom/dark chocolate trim.
-Noah's room almost got moved upstairs, but we quickly decided to keep him in his room.
-His room will also be taupe. He's a big boy now, time to move away from green apple and sky blue.
-our bathroom is getting a new tile looking multi colored gray....YES, I said gray lino.
-our bathroom floor will be complimented with a nice greenish gray.
-I GET AN ACTUAL TOILET PAPER ROLL! i WON'T HAVE TO PUT THE ROLL ON THE FLOOR, ON THE SIDE OF THE TUB ANYMORE! (Big highlight!)
-We've decided to use the opportunity and paint our kitchen cupboards downstairs before the carpet is laid. A deep dark bitter chocolate is the color.
-Our front window is getting replaced due to the massive amounts of water that comes into our living room everytime it rains.
-And the office is finally going to be turned into an actual office and not a junk room.

Now for the Waldherr's to pull all of the above off will be a miracle. And when and if we do.....don't call us for at least 6 months, cause we will be resting :P

CANADA DAY!

Getting ready! Apparently, tattoos can go anywhere
Faithfulness, tattoos done
Man! Tattoos do not come off easy, fun to put on tho!

On the drive there
Leave it to mom to go all out
Nin and Sarah little clones
That actually looks like I'm pushing Caleb's wheelchair :(
Joseph, made in Canada
My dad and his astro rockets :D
Can there be a family gathering without Timmy's coffee? nah
Me and my Sheesha
Nin has a dove like light on her head!
Family!

This was my raincape when I was little! My parents bought it when "galaxyland" was "fantasy land" in the West Edmonton Mall.
I love my Camille!

Team Moore
My cuz and his rockin girlfriend Carrie
More family!
Nothin like grandma cuddles
Team BOY Moore
Me daddy
Peek!

Watchin the fireworks
Elishah a bit scared...

The 2nd annual Waldherr Bridgecity boogie

Our second year! Last year, I ran the 5km with my super cousin Holly. As much as I totally enjoyed that run, I missed my family so much! Joe had all the kids by himself. So I promised them that I would never run separately from them again!


The kids, all stoked! Faith is so proud that she had to tell everyone that she wasn't going in the stroller this year, but running with the big kids!


We met more of the hope team!

Faith asking every two seconds, "when are we gonna start mom??!"

Joe and Noah took off in a flash, leaving the girls in their dust trail! they finished the 2km run without stopping one second. They were gracious enough to come back to get us later :)

Go team Waldherr!


It's finally time!!!! Faith is officially happy and excited!




Trying hard! She did awesome!

My girlies runnin just like their momma!


After the race! The kids love their little treat bags of oranges, fruit snacks and granola bars.


aaaaaa.....shade!
Next year, we were thinking of the 5km. we will see, depending on the youngest Waldherr joining us at age 4.

my night tonight

So, my father in law comes over for supper. it was a nice chicken with potatoes, gravy...etc.....the night is nice so we decide to go to the park and then stop for icecream.

On the way to the park, I can start to feel my "heartburn" flair up. I wonder now what would have happened if I had had some pepto bismol in my purse, like I usually do. At the first sign of an "attack" (as I call it) I do whatever I can to stop it. But tonight, I didn't have anything. I knew that my supper did not go down well. It was getting stuck all through the meal. By the time we got to the park, i was in a fair bit of pain. I had 2 extra strength zantac and that was it. I needed some milk or something to help these pills go down.

Left the family at the park, drove to the nearest store to buy a milk. open it and drink it before i pay for it......the pain level goes from an 8 to a 5. ok, maybe this will pass. drive back to the park, sipping on my milk, waiting for the zantac to do something. nothing.....it starts to get worse again. My pain goes to a 9 and I start to panic. thinking about running behind a building to throw up whatever is stuck in my esophagus to ease the pain. Joe comes to check on me, and I told him what I was thinking. He told me to give it a try. ( we were a long way from home)

So here I am, behind a building, crouching down on my hands and knees throwing up into a bush......it was lovely. Being a recovering bulimic, the puke didn't bother me so much as being in public, hiding, and wondering if anyone saw me, what on earth would they think??!

No relief......pain stays at an 8/9 and I had to leave my family at the park to come home. To gulp pepto/try to eat crackers/throw up some more......now my pain is sitting at a 3 or so.

Is this what I have to look forward to? only for it to progress and get worse? God help me.
:(

sister see sister do

1. when you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I get NEW hair via my genius JILLA!!! Appointment is T-3.5hours!

2. do you miss anyone right now?
Honestly, I miss myself. I have somehows vacated life and don't know where I went. I hope I can find myself soon...and when I find me, I hope that I like who I find.

3. if you could move anywhere else, would you?
These days, moving to a secluded island where I would have no distractions, nothing calling me to pour milk, do laundry, take down xmas lights, worry about basement reno bills....etc.....so that I could actually HAVE the time to see if I can find my missing self.

4. if you could choose, what would your last meal be?
Right off the bat, a meal that wouldn't get stuck. But I would choose whole wheat spagetti topped with pinapples, onions, mushrooms, chicken, tomatoes, in a spicy curry sauce with a side of bread dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar...hmmmm

5. what famous person, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with?
Right now, it would be my new friend Jasmine. But I get to have my first coffee with her tomorrow night and NOT stand her up :P

6. what was the last book you read?
Actually completed? Not sure. Lately, I've had the tendency to read till it hurts, or hits a nerve, than put down the book for a breather, or maybe you might call it running away.

7. what was the last movie you watched?
Daybreakers. which is weird that I'm watching movies about vampires....i actually liked it.

8. what was the last song you heard?
haha....my neighbour across the street has been blaring "Airplanes" by B.O.B. over and over and over. So i think that was the last song i heard. Other than that, it's most likely an eminem song.

9. what is your dream vacation?
Somewhere on a beach, in a teenie bikini soaking up rays with my hubby :D

10. what is the next trip you will take?
We're going to the Waldherr family reunion in August. So look out Yorkton, here we come!!! :P

11. did you ever go to camp?
I had to laugh at my sister's memories of camp. I forgot that Lance made you drink your gravol! hahaha! My memories of camp were sneaking out of the cabin late at night, drinking whiskey that my boyfriend brought, getting kicked out of camp for breaking all the rules, getting caught in the boys cabins, carving my friends name into my arm with a safety pin to become blood friends (:-O) and I think there was some singing around a camp fire in there too.

12. have you ever been in love?
I keep thinking that I am in love, then I fall deeper and deeper.....love just keeps going.....:D Just when you think you know what love is, you go and realize it's just so much more than you think!

13. what do you want to know about the future?
that's all in the past.
You mean the future.
Whatever! It demonstrates precisely how time travel can be mis-used, and why the time machine must be destroyed, after we straighten all of this out.

14. where is your best friend?
Currently, my best friend is at work, providing wonderfully for his family. another best friend is proabably in her backyard having a smoke smacking all the mosquitos, yet another is somewheres in willowgrove hopefully enjoying her very active, very super cute little boy....

15. how is your best friend?
I think they are all well

16. who is the biggest gossiper you know?
i have to go with nin on this one, probably her. :P

17. what does your last text message say?
Text message? call me old, but I don't even have a cell phone

18. what are 3 things you've always wanted to do, that you still plan to accomplish?
Run a marathon, finish this house!!!!! and to heal....fully and completely....

19. what is one thing you learned from your parents?
That yard work is overrated and a waste of time and if you don't do it, someone else will. that it's better to be real than a liar. that to stay young, all you have to do is occasionally scare people, play jokes on them, even if you're the only one laughing (like putting cheese slices in shoes) and that blood is thicker than anything else.

20. what is one thing you hope to teach to your own children?
for sure just to be honest. with honesty, you can get through anything. and of course to know that they are loved no matter what they've done.

I don't post much no more. Usually I wait until I have something good to say, which you can tell, those times are very far and few between.

So instead of waiting till I have all my @#!*% together, I'll just spit out where I'm at.
These days, I am down. I can feel the judgment (whether it's legit or coming from me) I just hear it in my head "why aren't you postive? where's your upbeat spirit? come on, get it together, you could be SO much worse off than you are! you have so much to be thankful for! Your heart is so ungrateful........etc......."

The flood in our house is one thing. I think I can handle that. It's pretty overwhelming, but we've been there before and my friend Morgan said to me, "you are designed to handle chaos! you are so good with it" I still feel very much in survival mode instead of thriving mode tho. It's amazing to have my best friend right beside me through all this. Joe and I are so close now, that I can't believe how long we lived "apart"!! We are support for each other. we are laughing together, listening to each other, and when one is down, the other picks up the slack.

But it's this diagnosis that I'm having a hard time accepting. I sense around me that people are down playing what it is and I sense the "get over it" attitude, "it's not that big a deal" But IT IS! And I am the one that has to live with it. People are just like, "well, get the surgery and it will all be better" but it won't be! achalasia has no cure and doctors can only treat half of the problem. The surgery that I am probably getting doesn't solve the problem, it only bandaids it for a time. There's a 70-90% success rate, only for a time. My surgeon said that this is the end of the line. If I get this surgery, there is nothing else they can do other than remove my entire esophagus! so that means there is a 10-30% chance I could get my whole esophagus removed! they would then move my stomach up to my throat (which is a 10% mortality rate doing that surgery)

Call me down, say i have no faith, say I am not positve and that I'm looking at it from the wrong angle.....but this is my life! I have 4 kids and I'm only 31. This surgery lasts from 10-25 years. that puts me anywhere from 40-55 that this surgery will fail me.....

If I don't find my secret place soon, I don't know where I'm gonna end up. think what you want, but this is where I'm at. and I am sad today.

Life without ED....or should I say Edith?

Right off the cuff----I appreciate all my support. Those that comment and those that don't. To my readers, I appreciate you. I know that you are there for me if I need, and there are those that consistently pray for me. God bless!

Joe picked me up a new book by recommendation of my eating disorder counselor. It's called "Life without Ed" ED stands for Eating Disorder. I am so encouraged! It's been very eye opening! It still baffles me that for so long I've had an obvious issue with food, but have never gone for help! I guess I thought that God was enough (which HE IS) But I've learned that IT"S OK TO ASK FOR HELP AND THAT DOESN"T MEAN YOU HAVE LESS FAITH!

This book was written by a woman who was "married to Ed" for most of her life. She has successfully divorced him now and is sharing her hope with others. She takes a different approach to dealing with the E.D. by giving it a name, a personality, a voice, and ultimately, SEPARATING HERSELF FROM WHO ED IS.

She asked in the first chapter whether your eating disorder was male or female. Hers was very much male. I knew right away that mine was female. It's a perfect 10 drop dead gorgeous woman that constantly tells me how I don't measure up and if I would only be like her, I would be happy. So, it was Joe's idea to name her Edith (cause she's ED....with 'death' at the end)

I'm starting to realize how much I have agreed with Edith. I have OWNED her thoughts, OWNED her ideas, her goals, her vision, her destruction, her lies, her condemnation.....I feel like I'm getting my power back by realizing that THAT"S NOT ME! I want to be healthy! My goals are NOT her goals! I'm starting to "disobey" her voice more and more. Not always. I still listen alot of the time. But I'm coming to peace with the fact that I've had 20+years of listening to a foreign voice, it will take time to learn what my thoughts are and what God's thought are for me.

Honestly....very honestly....it's not like i didn't know all this before. It was mostly all in "Christianeze" In Christian terms, which have become confusing to me, since they have been mixed with religion, and man's judgments. This is a fresh new tool for me that has been given to me, I believe by God, to use in such a time as this.

I am excited and scared to really pursue divorcing my eating disorder. Even though I haven't purged in over 2 years, I have realized that the voice didn't leave when I gave up purging. It just changed form, it changed shape and voice. Edith morphed her way into the gym with me, into restriction of calories and different thinking patterns. It was foolish of me to think that my eating disorder was gone when I stopped throwing up. I didn't understand it, but now, I think I"m beginning to get it.....
:)

Paradox?

I used to be strong....i think.....

These days, I am easily defeated. My foundation that is supposedly being rebuilt is still so shaky. The demolition and construction seem to be going at a snails pace.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but why is it that one thing can just throw your whole world into a new dimension? Things have been thrown my way my whole life and then one curve ball knocks me on my @#!*% and puts me on what seems like the sidelines for months and months.

I've said the word "disorientated" many many times in the last year and a half. I'd like to believe that I'm finding more and more ground as the months go on.....but somedays, I still feel so lost. Still plagued with the questions
"am i worth it?"
"who am I?"
"am I beautiful?"
"am i enough?"
"what is my purpose?"
and probably the most plaguing question of them all: "am I chosen?"

The latest veggie thrown into my tossed salad is my new diagnosis. I have a rare swallowing disease called achalasia. It affects 1 out of every 100 000 people. it is a progressive disease that has no cure. I am trying to hold onto hope, faith like i used to, but it's like i forget how, or maybe I'm just tired of saying things like, "everything happens for a reason, there is a plan, god will heal me, take care of me, i praise you in this storm"........etc........

It's like i've been saying those things all my life. like the strong young christian woman that i am. But life really has beaten me down. I can't do it anymore. I'm completely spent. Maybe there's a few of you out there reading this that will say, "GREAT! Now she will surrender. Now God can be strong, becuase she's finally weak!"

Whatever that means. Parts of me hopes that God can step in more because I am admitting defeat, but parts of me is scared that I am really losing who I am meant to be. I WANT TO BE STRONG. I keep calling to the warrior in me......who seems to be so far in the distance, she is out of calling range.

I really am to the point that I don't care at all what people think of me anymore....which is really freeing! I'm not afraid to make mistakes anymore, and i don't have to worry about masks, or putting my best foot forward anymore. I think I'm sometimes putting my worst foot forward to see who will still walk with me through this.

I know I've changed. I've got a few more walls up, but yet a few less barriers. I have less fear of man, but yet an insecurity I've never had before. I've become more careful, and yet I'm more carefree. I'm not as legalistic and religious, but yet possibly leaning to far the other way.

I do choose hope. I choose life, as best as i know how. God, i know you can hear me. and i know you're there. I will continue to call out to you.
make all this into something beautiful.....including me.....