So up and down. I actually took a pregnancy test yesterday! I felt sick yesterday morning and I do this morning again. The test said negative, but what is with me? It's hard, becuase I can't pin point anything it seems.
Yesterday, Noah's camp called and said that he had a fever and he needed someone to come and get him. On the way there to get him, I was totally overcome by guilt. I felt so guilty for sending him to camp (even tho he was fine in the morning) I realized that it reminded me subconciously of when Caleb got sick and the school called me to come and get him. This morning, I did send Noah to camp again, but he had one dose of advil last night and the fever never did come back. I really felt scared to do that.....
I feel stupid for always pointing my mood swings to a wave a grief, but I'm just so jumbled inside. There's so much of Caleb these last two weeks.
My sister sang his song last Friday.....total meltdown.....it was beautiful....
Went to his grave on Sunday night with the family.....my sister in law drew a picture of Caleb that was better than a photograph.....the details were AMAZING......meltdown.....
I've found someone in blogger land that had a daughter that passed away 3 months ago with CP, we've been emailing back and forth about grief and memories......writing the emails have really made me emotional.....
My really good friend, steph, has a daughter with CP. Her name is Sophie. She is 6 years old. She learned how to walk this last week. She's been saying new words everyday. I've been spending lots of time with her the last couple of weeks. I'm so happy for her! SO HAPPY for all of them.....is it evil, cruel, selfish of me to be jealous?
I hate grief. It makes me look like fool. I can't hold it together. I feel like a freak.
Maybe it's not grief, maybe I'm just fabricating all of this up, as an exuse to be a freak.....
5 comments:
You are not a freak! Grief is a journey, not a destination. You are travelling the long road honey. Caleb was in your life for 10 years, don't expect to be over him in less than 2. You ARE healing, but it takes time. Love you.
Morgan
I agree with Morgan. It is a very long process. I don't have much experience with it yet, but the little I've had, I know it is a long process. Just remember who God is and what he does for you each day and that Caleb is with him and is doing so well. You will meet him again so with your grief there is light. Don't push forward too fast. God bless you.
Sweet Sarah, No one can blaim you for freaking out emotionaly, just look at how far and throught how much you've come. I'd go crazy; don't be afraid to validate what you feel. Prayers friend...Nel
My friend, Morgan put it very nicely when she said that grief is a long journey. 10 years is a long time to take care of your sick child the memories will never go away. Know why?? Because you're a mom!!! You're Caleb's mom!! You're someone special!! You did something special for Caleb for 10 years my dear! God has blessed you with 10 years. Treasure that and be thankful. You are NOT a freak! You're a beautiful caring sensitive person! A child of God!! Blessings to you tonight!
You my dear are far from being a freak. You are a beautiful woman who is a wonderful mother. You were the best Mommy for Caleb. Grief isn't meant to be dealt with in the first year and then left. IT's something you will deal with on an off and in many different way for the rest of your life.
And with being jelous, it's only human. You long for your son back. It hurts to see others doing well. It's understandable and hard to bless others even though you know that it's the right thing to do. I am thinking of you today.
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