Okay, so last night sucked ass!
After supper, heart burn started even before bed. after drinking 4 doses of pepto, was able to fall asleep till 4:30am
Drinking another 3 doses of pepto, sleeping SITTING UP on my couch till 7:30. I try everything. I'm on meds that are for people with ulcers and reflux disease.....
It's just so discouraging that for once in my life I am pursuing health and fitness. Beginning my very first career in fitness training and i feel like my body is falling apart. I'm supposed to see a specialist about this and my Dr. seems to think I'm going to need surgery!
Who woulda thunk that those years of bulimia would cause such extreme health problems! So strange that my problems started AFTER I stopped throwing up. makes no sense to me. It will be 2 years on February 5 since I have had an episode WHICH IS FRIGGEN AMAZING! but.....I have to live with such pain now :(
I told Joe and my sis the other day that I would rather gain some weight again, then go back to that life!!! And I know myself well enough to know that if I throw up JUST ONCE.....that's it....it's game over for me, i'll be back to where I was, throwing up everyday.... YUCK!
But in the meantime.....I can't help thinking that by the time I'm 50, what kind of problems will i have then with my liver? my stomach, my bowels??? People that are 50 have my kind of problems, not 30 year olds....
I just wish I could go back and 'figure it out' sooner.....but some people have to learn the hard way :( There's this one line of a song that says, "make something beautiful out of all this suffering" I wish I could see a purpose in all this.....
Friday, December 18, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
According to you
I'm difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I'm a mess in a dress,
can't show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
According to you
I'm boring,
I'm moody,
you can't take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I'm the girl with the worst attention span;
you're the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you.
I need to feel appreciated,
like I'm not hated. oh-- no--.
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad you're making me decide.
According to me
you're stupid,
you're useless,
you can't do anything right.
But according to him
I'm beautiful,
incredible,
he can't get me out of his head.
According to him
I'm funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don't feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He's into me for everything I'm not,
according to you. [you, you]
According to you. [you, you]
According to you
I'm stupid,
I'm useless,
I can't do anything right.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Since I'm being brutally honest....why stop now?
So, after my weekend melt down, a tiny part of courage in me says "yes" to a secular music fast that Joe suggests. Joe asks me how long, "a week?" "I think it's going to take a lot longer than a week to plow through this" So on Sunday, we started a secular music fast. How long will it be for?....i don't know yet.....
I'm not doing this because I think secular music is evil or that anyone that listens to it is going to hell. I'm doing this for these reasons:
I am starving to death. Over the last few months, I have lost my desire to listen to anything worship or praise related. I have realized in small parts that the music I choose, feeds a hurting part of me. it band-aids my hurts in a 'quick fix' type of way. It feeds me the messages that I can do it by myself! That I don't need anyone and can't trust anyone. Some of my music makes me feel sexy and powerful.
I've gone on many food fasts before, but have never experienced a fast with something OTHER than food that I was so TIED to! You don't realize how much you are glued to something until you take it away. I am actually going through withdrawals! There are many times that ALL I want to do is turn on a certain song to get lost, escape, to fill myself with a false sense of self confidence. I've had one slip this week. I was on my way somewhere, when I wondered what was on the other stations. I quickly checked on C95 and my latest favorite song was playing! Oh, I couldn't turn it off! I decided to just listen to this one song and that was it. It was so eye opening to see me come alive! I got all pumped up, excited, was singing in my car.....God has been so good to open my eyes and to pursue this broken, messed up human being. I can't believe He actually is.
This year hasn't been easy. But I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. My world from MY perspective it's went from white to black and then back to white, when actually in real reality went from black to white. The hurt in our marriage turned my world to black when I found out about it, but then I got a brand spankin new husband! From the moment he repented, he hasn't been the same. Walking a clear non wavering, no doubt in my mind that he has changed! I didn't know I was actually living in black until God redeemed it, back to white. Having a spiritually strong and stable husband is all new to me! Having Joe step in places that I felt alone before is awesome, but at the same time, it's disorientating. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself! It's like I'm having to find myself all over again, in light of my new husband! It's a sweet way to loose yourself of course! I can't imagine if he hadn't come back home and walked away from us for good! What would I even look like then???!!!!!
All this shaking of my world has left me very confused and disorientated. Finding my way through the stages of grief, all the way up to now, where I am slowly allowing God to come back into my heart on very real terms. I am back to learning how to spoon feed myself simple worship songs. Learning to stop swearing at the lyrics and embracing the messages of hope and love.
My pastors wife, (AN AWESOME WOMAN!!) was here for coffee and I said, "I can't believe how this music fuels me!" Her answer was quick and pointed, "of course that makes sense! you are a worshiper, God has placed that in you, no wonder the other side feeds you like it does!" I miss dancing before God. Will I ever again? I miss my pretty white dress, will I be able to wear it for my daddy God? If you read this, please pray that I will have to courage and strength to contiune this fast as long as it takes for God to soften my heart, redeem and heal what's there.
I'm not doing this because I think secular music is evil or that anyone that listens to it is going to hell. I'm doing this for these reasons:
I am starving to death. Over the last few months, I have lost my desire to listen to anything worship or praise related. I have realized in small parts that the music I choose, feeds a hurting part of me. it band-aids my hurts in a 'quick fix' type of way. It feeds me the messages that I can do it by myself! That I don't need anyone and can't trust anyone. Some of my music makes me feel sexy and powerful.
I've gone on many food fasts before, but have never experienced a fast with something OTHER than food that I was so TIED to! You don't realize how much you are glued to something until you take it away. I am actually going through withdrawals! There are many times that ALL I want to do is turn on a certain song to get lost, escape, to fill myself with a false sense of self confidence. I've had one slip this week. I was on my way somewhere, when I wondered what was on the other stations. I quickly checked on C95 and my latest favorite song was playing! Oh, I couldn't turn it off! I decided to just listen to this one song and that was it. It was so eye opening to see me come alive! I got all pumped up, excited, was singing in my car.....God has been so good to open my eyes and to pursue this broken, messed up human being. I can't believe He actually is.
This year hasn't been easy. But I think I see some light at the end of the tunnel. My world from MY perspective it's went from white to black and then back to white, when actually in real reality went from black to white. The hurt in our marriage turned my world to black when I found out about it, but then I got a brand spankin new husband! From the moment he repented, he hasn't been the same. Walking a clear non wavering, no doubt in my mind that he has changed! I didn't know I was actually living in black until God redeemed it, back to white. Having a spiritually strong and stable husband is all new to me! Having Joe step in places that I felt alone before is awesome, but at the same time, it's disorientating. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself! It's like I'm having to find myself all over again, in light of my new husband! It's a sweet way to loose yourself of course! I can't imagine if he hadn't come back home and walked away from us for good! What would I even look like then???!!!!!
All this shaking of my world has left me very confused and disorientated. Finding my way through the stages of grief, all the way up to now, where I am slowly allowing God to come back into my heart on very real terms. I am back to learning how to spoon feed myself simple worship songs. Learning to stop swearing at the lyrics and embracing the messages of hope and love.
My pastors wife, (AN AWESOME WOMAN!!) was here for coffee and I said, "I can't believe how this music fuels me!" Her answer was quick and pointed, "of course that makes sense! you are a worshiper, God has placed that in you, no wonder the other side feeds you like it does!" I miss dancing before God. Will I ever again? I miss my pretty white dress, will I be able to wear it for my daddy God? If you read this, please pray that I will have to courage and strength to contiune this fast as long as it takes for God to soften my heart, redeem and heal what's there.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Here it goes.......New light on a sick and twisted way of living
Whatever about people judging me. You can think whatever you want when you read my blog. I find writing helps me sort things out and maybe, just maybe, it may help someone out there not to make all my flippin mistakes.
So my latest stupid thing came out this weekend. And i hate it. God told me something so ridiculous that I don't even know what to say or how to respond yet. For a while, I've been crying out to him, "where are you!!!!!!?, why aren't you helping me???? answering me??? speaking to me???? rescueing me?" He says to me, "cause you don't need me. You are your own saviour. You aren't in need of a saviour." I had some words with him. Somewhere this summer, I didn't feel safe with him any longer. I felt that he was not protecting me, and that he HADN"T protected me. If He was trustworthy, than he would have saved me BEFORE all the shit hit the fan. I was very very honest with him and poured out my hurt and abandonment to him and left it at that. I have never really experienced this in my walk with God before. Maybe I have, but not in such an obvious way. Somwhere in the last 6 months, I chose to no longer trust God and trust in myself. After all, I know me and can control the outcomes of life (or so I thought)
With my last post, I shared that I have blamed myself for alot of things and have also not forgiven myself for things I have done. So you mix those two things with being your own saviour......hmmmmm......things just keep getting worse.
I cried one night to Joe. The things pouring out of my heart were, "I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like the more I try to find my life, i loose it (hmmm, sound familiar?)
I wake up everyday (in my mind) In a big hole! In a whole ton of debt. Someone needs to pay for the offense. I'm to blame for this that and the other thing. If you weren't ____ than ____ wouldn't have happened. Not to mention that if I would only loose the last BLASTED 10 pounds, than life would be grand! So I become the saviour. I am the only one that can be trusted to get myself out of this mess (or so I think)
I get up every day and get on the scale. It's confirmed, I'm in debt and work needs to be done. I go to the gym and kill many birds with one stone. In the moments of working out, I feel empowered, in control, safe in my own hands. I am able to push myself farther each time to prove to myself that I can am strong enough and don't need anyone else. I see myself get stronger each week which (for only those moments) increases a false security in this body that will one day turn to dust.
On deeper levels, I kick the shit out of myself, punish myself, hurt myself.....to pay for the deeds done. To pay for what "was my fault" What does keep me running that extra lap? Lifting those extra pounds? Knowing that I deserve the pain, and somewhere I've been whipping myself, thinking that eventually, the debt will be gone....but it never is.
Another level that working out touches is I get to 'run away' from life just for a while. I can get lost in a world of music, and concentrate on the pain infront of me. If my legs hurt, who the hell cares? I'd rather my legs burn like hell than my heart ache from real life)
Writing this out, I feel like vomitting. How does a person get so messed up? Or better yet, how in the heck does a person get OUT of this mess?
At the ladies retreat at church, I didn't sing a single word of a worship song. I sat there trying to find my way through a maze of emotions and confusion. With my feet resting on a chair across from me....I was staring at my shoes. Cause, who woulda guessed? I brought my workout garb to the ladies retreat, just incase I could fit in a workout......which I did. 80 flights of stairs and a shitload of wall squats made me feel happy for the moment. But later that night, when the workout is done and my heart is still hurting......and women are singing their hearts out to God....I'm sitting there....starring at my stupid shoes. The shoes that I live in. that I almost feel enchained to. The shoes that tell me what I need to do, how long I need to do it.
Somewhere inside, I know that God is good. And that I will make it through this, make things right, and be stronger than I ever was IN HIM.... I know I'm willing. well, most of the time.... :P Somewhere down the line, I will be helping others, speaking to them their VALUEABLE WORTH in God and how much they are loved, unconditionally. Because I will know, I will have walked it, wrestled it, and overcame it.......I know I will.....
These are the newest, grossest revelations that my God has given me. Apparently God hasn't given up on me yet.....is there hope for me? I .....hope.....so......
So my latest stupid thing came out this weekend. And i hate it. God told me something so ridiculous that I don't even know what to say or how to respond yet. For a while, I've been crying out to him, "where are you!!!!!!?, why aren't you helping me???? answering me??? speaking to me???? rescueing me?" He says to me, "cause you don't need me. You are your own saviour. You aren't in need of a saviour." I had some words with him. Somewhere this summer, I didn't feel safe with him any longer. I felt that he was not protecting me, and that he HADN"T protected me. If He was trustworthy, than he would have saved me BEFORE all the shit hit the fan. I was very very honest with him and poured out my hurt and abandonment to him and left it at that. I have never really experienced this in my walk with God before. Maybe I have, but not in such an obvious way. Somwhere in the last 6 months, I chose to no longer trust God and trust in myself. After all, I know me and can control the outcomes of life (or so I thought)
With my last post, I shared that I have blamed myself for alot of things and have also not forgiven myself for things I have done. So you mix those two things with being your own saviour......hmmmmm......things just keep getting worse.
I cried one night to Joe. The things pouring out of my heart were, "I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like the more I try to find my life, i loose it (hmmm, sound familiar?)
I wake up everyday (in my mind) In a big hole! In a whole ton of debt. Someone needs to pay for the offense. I'm to blame for this that and the other thing. If you weren't ____ than ____ wouldn't have happened. Not to mention that if I would only loose the last BLASTED 10 pounds, than life would be grand! So I become the saviour. I am the only one that can be trusted to get myself out of this mess (or so I think)
I get up every day and get on the scale. It's confirmed, I'm in debt and work needs to be done. I go to the gym and kill many birds with one stone. In the moments of working out, I feel empowered, in control, safe in my own hands. I am able to push myself farther each time to prove to myself that I can am strong enough and don't need anyone else. I see myself get stronger each week which (for only those moments) increases a false security in this body that will one day turn to dust.
On deeper levels, I kick the shit out of myself, punish myself, hurt myself.....to pay for the deeds done. To pay for what "was my fault" What does keep me running that extra lap? Lifting those extra pounds? Knowing that I deserve the pain, and somewhere I've been whipping myself, thinking that eventually, the debt will be gone....but it never is.
Another level that working out touches is I get to 'run away' from life just for a while. I can get lost in a world of music, and concentrate on the pain infront of me. If my legs hurt, who the hell cares? I'd rather my legs burn like hell than my heart ache from real life)
Writing this out, I feel like vomitting. How does a person get so messed up? Or better yet, how in the heck does a person get OUT of this mess?
At the ladies retreat at church, I didn't sing a single word of a worship song. I sat there trying to find my way through a maze of emotions and confusion. With my feet resting on a chair across from me....I was staring at my shoes. Cause, who woulda guessed? I brought my workout garb to the ladies retreat, just incase I could fit in a workout......which I did. 80 flights of stairs and a shitload of wall squats made me feel happy for the moment. But later that night, when the workout is done and my heart is still hurting......and women are singing their hearts out to God....I'm sitting there....starring at my stupid shoes. The shoes that I live in. that I almost feel enchained to. The shoes that tell me what I need to do, how long I need to do it.
Somewhere inside, I know that God is good. And that I will make it through this, make things right, and be stronger than I ever was IN HIM.... I know I'm willing. well, most of the time.... :P Somewhere down the line, I will be helping others, speaking to them their VALUEABLE WORTH in God and how much they are loved, unconditionally. Because I will know, I will have walked it, wrestled it, and overcame it.......I know I will.....
These are the newest, grossest revelations that my God has given me. Apparently God hasn't given up on me yet.....is there hope for me? I .....hope.....so......
Saturday, November 07, 2009
A new door to walk through
This healing journey never has dull moments. This last year, God has taken me all over the map.
From healing childhood memoires, to experiencing deep grief over life, to laughing with joy with my hubby-to crying a deep deep anguish with him too. Finding out all that's inside of me has been exciting, scary, painful, joyful, numbing,....etc.....
In Mexico, in the middle of our honeymoon, God opens up a door. A door that opened 4 hours of crying and pain. I am slowly entering this door. Courageously and most times scared shitless. Inside this door, I have found a few things that need to be cleaned out and sorted through. The first words that met me with a mountain wave of pain was, "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT" Saying it out loud was unbearable. To actually believe it---well, that has yet to come.
As I step one foot infront of the other into this room, I am met with other things. "I NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF" Who knew? Until I stepped foot in this door, I thought I was resentful for other reasons, but as I squeemishly go inside, I'm seeing that I have a strong root of bitterness towards MYSELF! I am ENRAGED at times at myself! It comes out like a force as strong as a hurricane. Tapping into these deep feelings have been painful to say the least.
The two go hand in hand, and I don't know how God will sort this out. Blaming myself for what's happened in our marriage and pinning all my wrongs and faults to it is like mixing gasoline and fire. It's a recipe for self hatred, condemnation and self sabotage. It's like giving the devil a baseball bat and saying, "here, hit me with this"
Both God and Joe are lovingly speaking the truth that it wasn't my fault and that I NEED to forgive myself. I was young, I was immature, I was giving birth to baby after baby! My coping skills were narrowed down to big macs and a toilet bowl. My knowledge was limited to dropping out of highschool in order to raise a severely disabled child! Basic life skills were never modelled or taught to me. My relationship and marriage began in a foundation after DRUG REHAB loaded with truck loads of baggage! My resources were amazing and I know have been a huge reason as to why we are still together and a true God send!
(As a side note: People that struggle with, "Oh, I don't have a really cool testimony with drugs, sex and rock and roll....I wish I had cool stories of rescue...." DON'T EVER WISH ON YOURSELF IN A MILLION BILLION TRILLION YEARS! The pain is NOT worth the "cool stories" The consequences last you will into your life......and for those who are reading this that are dabbling in drugs, sex, and all that "FUN STUFF"....STOP!!!!!!! NOW!!!!! If I knew you, knew what you were doing, I'd slap you....and that is that.)
As we continue to root out piles of crap, I think that maybe, soon, we will see the bottom of the porcelain bowl. Hopefully, we aren't taking any new dumps into the already rawnchy smelling mound. Hopefully, God is in this crap somewhere. Digging around in it, sometimes doesn't really feel like He is, but somewhere, deep deep down inside, I know He is.......
From healing childhood memoires, to experiencing deep grief over life, to laughing with joy with my hubby-to crying a deep deep anguish with him too. Finding out all that's inside of me has been exciting, scary, painful, joyful, numbing,....etc.....
In Mexico, in the middle of our honeymoon, God opens up a door. A door that opened 4 hours of crying and pain. I am slowly entering this door. Courageously and most times scared shitless. Inside this door, I have found a few things that need to be cleaned out and sorted through. The first words that met me with a mountain wave of pain was, "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT" Saying it out loud was unbearable. To actually believe it---well, that has yet to come.
As I step one foot infront of the other into this room, I am met with other things. "I NEED TO FORGIVE MYSELF" Who knew? Until I stepped foot in this door, I thought I was resentful for other reasons, but as I squeemishly go inside, I'm seeing that I have a strong root of bitterness towards MYSELF! I am ENRAGED at times at myself! It comes out like a force as strong as a hurricane. Tapping into these deep feelings have been painful to say the least.
The two go hand in hand, and I don't know how God will sort this out. Blaming myself for what's happened in our marriage and pinning all my wrongs and faults to it is like mixing gasoline and fire. It's a recipe for self hatred, condemnation and self sabotage. It's like giving the devil a baseball bat and saying, "here, hit me with this"
Both God and Joe are lovingly speaking the truth that it wasn't my fault and that I NEED to forgive myself. I was young, I was immature, I was giving birth to baby after baby! My coping skills were narrowed down to big macs and a toilet bowl. My knowledge was limited to dropping out of highschool in order to raise a severely disabled child! Basic life skills were never modelled or taught to me. My relationship and marriage began in a foundation after DRUG REHAB loaded with truck loads of baggage! My resources were amazing and I know have been a huge reason as to why we are still together and a true God send!
(As a side note: People that struggle with, "Oh, I don't have a really cool testimony with drugs, sex and rock and roll....I wish I had cool stories of rescue...." DON'T EVER WISH ON YOURSELF IN A MILLION BILLION TRILLION YEARS! The pain is NOT worth the "cool stories" The consequences last you will into your life......and for those who are reading this that are dabbling in drugs, sex, and all that "FUN STUFF"....STOP!!!!!!! NOW!!!!! If I knew you, knew what you were doing, I'd slap you....and that is that.)
As we continue to root out piles of crap, I think that maybe, soon, we will see the bottom of the porcelain bowl. Hopefully, we aren't taking any new dumps into the already rawnchy smelling mound. Hopefully, God is in this crap somewhere. Digging around in it, sometimes doesn't really feel like He is, but somewhere, deep deep down inside, I know He is.......
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Who wants to hear a lice story? (Caution....swear words in post)
Day one:
I'm drying Isaiah's hair before school....I see something move......I look.......it moves again, along with other things that are moving.....
My FIRST WORD: "SHIT!" I walk away from the child, stomping my foot into the floor, saying, "shit, shit shit!"
Walk towards the girl, in disbelief....I have to check again! This can't be happening!!!! More lice "SHIT!" (pounding my hand with a fist) again.....I walk away from the girl.
Phone my sister (she's on pickup for school) She answers,
"Hello?"
"SHIT!"
"WHAT!?"
"SHIT.......WE > HAVE > LICE!" ........
Nin responds...."shit..." (It's become the word of the day)
(Later I profusely apologize to my girl for swearing and reassure her that it's not her fault)
Look in Noah's head, more bugs! K, now I'm freaking out! and call Joe. "We are INFESTED with lice!"
Pull off ALL bedding, all blankets, all coats, all towels, all clothes, pretty much anything and everything you can wash and form the biggest, most largest mountain my laundry room has EVER seen! Start with NIX........Treat everyone in the family......the result? Still live bugs!
Buy a BIG jar of mayo and slop copious amounts of it and crown it with lovely saran wrap. Sit for 5 hours........with grease dripping down our necks, the kids can't take another minute........ STILL LIVE BUGS!!!!
DAY 2: K......need to do something desperate! SHAVE NOAH"S HEAD! There! He's done! The two younglins are clean. But Isaiah, I'm NOT going to shave her head. So Isaiah and I dye our hair! It seems like that worked! No more live bugs. YAAA! Spend 2 HOURS picking out about 20 eggs. Feel like we're getting somewhere.
Day 3: I'm doing the routine laundry. drying ALL bedding so that the heat kills anything. Vacuuming couches, floors and mattresses. Some people may think this is over kill...... Do the daily routine check on Isaiah, and find 2 eggs! Did I miss them? Cause I SWEAR, I picked them all out the day before...but I guess I missed them..... Go to the top of her head....A DAMN LIVE BUG!!!! Where the %$#@ did he come from? Did this bug hatch overnight and lay 2 eggs? How did this bug survive all this treatment? Did she pick it up from a couch? A bed....that was vacuumed?
Each day, everyone gets a pure tea tree oil head treatment. We leave it on for 30 minutes with a shower cap on to hopefully kill and prevent reinfestation. Go to nit pick Isaiah....and find 7 more eggs! Will this ever end? Did I MISS them? Or did a bug lay these eggs?
Over the next 2 days, I do find an egg here and there on Isaiah, but no bugs. on day 5....NO MORE EGGS!
Tomorrow marks the 7th day and hopefully the day of completion. Tomorrow we again all treat ourselves, just to be sure. Isaiah has taken this all in stride. All the sitting and picking and washing and losing all their dear stuffties....
Pondering on all this experience, I have never been on the other side of lice before. It's opened my eyes to a few things. I will share that in the next post.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thankful
Sitting here, checking my email....
I get a short and sweet message from my hubby that has been in Regina for a Promise Keepers convention that reads:
I miss you too, God is good. see you tonight.
Joe
It just hits me. I stare at the message. My eyes well up with tears. My heart is overwhelmed with the weight of these words. Why?
A little over a year ago, Joe walked out. For the first week, I had no idea IF he would ever come back. Joe and I communicated through emails for the first while. Each letter was cold, hard and calloused. Each letter broke my heart to read......
During our separation, I would sit at the computer and stare at his emails....and cry.....
I didn't know where he was, how I could even reach him, all he had to do was turn his phone off and he was forever disconnected from me.
Ironically, just 1/2 hour ago, I was sitting eating lunch when my heart cried out, "GOD....please don't let me go back to the way things were. Don't let all this be for nothing.....please make us into an amazing testimony that makes a difference. Don't let all this pain dump down a black hole"
......Only to sit down and have God open my eyes to a short, simple email. He showed me that we are a miracle. We weren't supposed to make it! We should be divorced! I should be alone....
But I'm not. By God's grace and mercy, Joe is building the most amazing relationships with the guys in our circle. He has a renewed passion for life and is filled with purpose. He leads us, loves us, cherishes us. I have a new husband!
The plane did crash....yes. I sometimes get mad that the plane had to go down. But I need to remember that I was pulled from the burning plane. I could have died in the flames. We could have died.....
God....please.....OPEN MY EYES ALL THE MORE! Show me your goodness in everything! Like you did today
Thank you
I get a short and sweet message from my hubby that has been in Regina for a Promise Keepers convention that reads:
I miss you too, God is good. see you tonight.
Joe
It just hits me. I stare at the message. My eyes well up with tears. My heart is overwhelmed with the weight of these words. Why?
A little over a year ago, Joe walked out. For the first week, I had no idea IF he would ever come back. Joe and I communicated through emails for the first while. Each letter was cold, hard and calloused. Each letter broke my heart to read......
During our separation, I would sit at the computer and stare at his emails....and cry.....
I didn't know where he was, how I could even reach him, all he had to do was turn his phone off and he was forever disconnected from me.
Ironically, just 1/2 hour ago, I was sitting eating lunch when my heart cried out, "GOD....please don't let me go back to the way things were. Don't let all this be for nothing.....please make us into an amazing testimony that makes a difference. Don't let all this pain dump down a black hole"
......Only to sit down and have God open my eyes to a short, simple email. He showed me that we are a miracle. We weren't supposed to make it! We should be divorced! I should be alone....
But I'm not. By God's grace and mercy, Joe is building the most amazing relationships with the guys in our circle. He has a renewed passion for life and is filled with purpose. He leads us, loves us, cherishes us. I have a new husband!
The plane did crash....yes. I sometimes get mad that the plane had to go down. But I need to remember that I was pulled from the burning plane. I could have died in the flames. We could have died.....
God....please.....OPEN MY EYES ALL THE MORE! Show me your goodness in everything! Like you did today
Thank you
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
what's underneath?
My parents have a beautiful lawn......um, not....
Their lawn is covered in thistles, dandilions and quack grass. It's a pain in the ass to cut and to care for. But it wasn't always this way.
Their lawn is covered in thistles, dandilions and quack grass. It's a pain in the ass to cut and to care for. But it wasn't always this way.
When my parents first viewed the house, the lawn was green, fresh, and weed free. There were even a couple of planters in the backyard for a garden and flowers. It looked amazing! After the first year, the lawn was easy to keep nice and green. A couple of doses of fertilizer, water and regular cutting did the job.
The second year was quite a bit harder to maintain, weeds were popping up and parts of the lawn were going brown.
The third year was the charm, that was when it hit us all the truth of this lovely lawn.
The previous owners, in order to sell the house, laid sod ON TOP of a CRAP lawn! As a quick fix, she didn't bother to rip up the old lawn to lay the new one. The root system of the old was never ripped out......so....after 3 years of sweating to keep this "nice green lawn" looking good, we realized the inevitable was taking place. Whatever was underneath was slowly poking through and was going to take over the whole yard.
My parents now know that they will never have a "velvet" lawn. My dad did put some decent effort this year (the 6th year) into it, but all his efforts were useless in match of the root system.
The only answer to this is to gut out the whole thing and lay NEW SEED.
It's such a good picture for me. Bad fruit comes from bad roots. You can't fake good fruit if the roots are bad, you just can't. The years that we've given it a good honest effort to green up the lawn, we can never produce something that's not there.
In this last year, I've been challenged to my very being, to my very core, and I still am. I had to make some very hard choices this year. I love my sisters post on choose. It says it totally bang on. Choose your hard.
Joe and I almost didn't make it last year. It's been one full year since my hubby walked out that door and a broken family was a very real reality staring me in the face. Both Joe and I have made the HARD choice to reconcile. I say HARD because it's not easy to rip up a lawn. Up root a tree, jack hammer out a foundation!!! But that's what we've chosen to do. All the bad fruit coming from bad roots needed to be uprooted.
Daily, I still face the choice between what kind of lawn I want in my life. It's really really hard! It seems so much easier to just give it some water, throw it some seed in hopes of good fruit, but in the long run, at the end of the day, it's still a lawn full of weeds. This has been my challenge. With God's grace, Joe and I have been able to uproot some really yucky stuff. But on a personal level, talking about me, and what's inside of my heart, God is calling me to trust him to uproot even more. It's so scary. Who wants to be bear looking like a big dirt pile? Who wants to go through the back breaking work of the digging, the dumping, and the planting? Alot of times....not me.....
I keep calling to the warrior in me, to be strong and courageous, to be brave and full of hope and faith that I will be better off to dig than to throw seed into the wind.
Maybe everytime I pass my parents lawn and see all the weeds, I will be reminded that that's NOT what I want.
Maybe everytime I pass my parents lawn and see all the weeds, I will be reminded that that's NOT what I want.
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Reason for the dream
If you read my last post, I had a dream a few days ago. God spoke to me the next day as to why he gave that dream to me.
In my dream, there are two ways of looking at the situation.
The first perspective is to see a wife who is going to cheat on her husband! She is making very poor choices and is not taking responsiblity for her actions! She should have someone knock some sense into her! If nothing else, Joe should be furious and hurt! She should have the natural consequences come to her, so that she will learn her lesson. She should be corrected, reproofed, rebuked, and punished. Joe should show her very limited mercy, since she was about to commit one of the most betraying sins there is!
Or.......
In my dream (if you read it) Joe lovingly, and full of compassion and mercy, whispers gently in my ear that God the Father would heal me, love me and show me my worth. Why would a husband do that? Or a more important question is HOW could a husband do that?
By the power of God and all that He is....God IS THOSE THINGS, and to move HIS heart THROUGH Joe is EXACTLY what God wants us to do for others! God SEES the brokenness of our hearts. In my dream, Joe saw through the eyes of God and saw my pain, my hurt, my low self worth. He understood WHY I would do such a thing. God doesn't concentrate on WHAT we do....but WHY we do them.....
It's in this kind of amazing relationship that people are healed, set free, and released from sin. In my dream, I didn't WANT to cheat on Joe! I just wanted love, I just wanted comfort, and in my brokenness, I did NOT know HOW to find it.....
It's through God, picking us up, whispering love into our ear, in the midst of our sin that we find out that we are loved no matter what.
In my dream, there are two ways of looking at the situation.
The first perspective is to see a wife who is going to cheat on her husband! She is making very poor choices and is not taking responsiblity for her actions! She should have someone knock some sense into her! If nothing else, Joe should be furious and hurt! She should have the natural consequences come to her, so that she will learn her lesson. She should be corrected, reproofed, rebuked, and punished. Joe should show her very limited mercy, since she was about to commit one of the most betraying sins there is!
Or.......
In my dream (if you read it) Joe lovingly, and full of compassion and mercy, whispers gently in my ear that God the Father would heal me, love me and show me my worth. Why would a husband do that? Or a more important question is HOW could a husband do that?
By the power of God and all that He is....God IS THOSE THINGS, and to move HIS heart THROUGH Joe is EXACTLY what God wants us to do for others! God SEES the brokenness of our hearts. In my dream, Joe saw through the eyes of God and saw my pain, my hurt, my low self worth. He understood WHY I would do such a thing. God doesn't concentrate on WHAT we do....but WHY we do them.....
It's in this kind of amazing relationship that people are healed, set free, and released from sin. In my dream, I didn't WANT to cheat on Joe! I just wanted love, I just wanted comfort, and in my brokenness, I did NOT know HOW to find it.....
It's through God, picking us up, whispering love into our ear, in the midst of our sin that we find out that we are loved no matter what.
Monday, September 07, 2009
a dream
i had a very interesting dream last night.
It was like I was 15, confused, angry, hurt, and my self worth was lower than zero. I But at the same time, I was 30 years old and married to Joe and had all my kids.
In my dream, I was wandering around aimlessly, trying to find anyone to love me. Using an old pattern, I thought that sleeping with someone would gain me worth. But ALSO knowing that sleeping with just anybody was a disrespectful thing to do to myself. But I didn't care.....any sort of false comfort, or peace would do at this point.....
So I found a bed of someone I knew, laid down in it waiting for him to come home, find me, then take advantage of me.
Instead, I woke up to Joe whispering softly in my ear, praying for me, that I would know my worth....
Then, he carried me home......
It was like I was 15, confused, angry, hurt, and my self worth was lower than zero. I But at the same time, I was 30 years old and married to Joe and had all my kids.
In my dream, I was wandering around aimlessly, trying to find anyone to love me. Using an old pattern, I thought that sleeping with someone would gain me worth. But ALSO knowing that sleeping with just anybody was a disrespectful thing to do to myself. But I didn't care.....any sort of false comfort, or peace would do at this point.....
So I found a bed of someone I knew, laid down in it waiting for him to come home, find me, then take advantage of me.
Instead, I woke up to Joe whispering softly in my ear, praying for me, that I would know my worth....
Then, he carried me home......
Monday, August 31, 2009
BOSU BALL
BOSU! I have been taking this class twice a week and I love it!
I haven't seen such amazing results before than with this little half ball. My core is so much stronger! I don't think i'm losing any inches or weight, but I know I'm getting stronger! I use to be so wobbly and shake when I first started the class and be SO SORE for a few days, but now I am stable, steady and feel strong during the class! I highly recommend it!
You are working twice as hard with BOSU, because you have to balance AND work at the same time! You are using so many more muscles and burn more calories because of it. These are just a few of my fav's on the ball, but the possiblities are endless with it! My instructor is always doing new things with it. It doesn't get boring, for sure!
I've decided to go after my fitness certification for sure. So I'm really looking forward to learning about the body, nutrition and fitness. I am looking forward to helping others achieve their goals and someday, down the road.....help with body image too....but I have to heal myself first.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Update
Myself: Not online at all these days. It's been nice to not have the distraction of the net during the day. I get alot more done and have more focus on what I'm doing. I seem to be wrestling with my health. It's been about 3 months now that I've been fighting lightheadedness and tiredness. It comes and goes, today being a bad day for that. I am going to try to take iron supplements and see if that helps. I'm considering taking a fitness certification course in Sept. Kill two birds with one stone....workout AND get paid for it!
House: Reno's are still on the go. Kitchen being the biggest of them all, but we're replacing all the doors and trim on the upper floor. Can't wait for it to be done! One more week.
Kids: Adjusting to all the commotion in the house with paint trays, drop cloths, and ladders everywhere. Isaiah moved into her own room last weekend. So now the babies are together (Loads of fun :P) Isaiah is enjoying her own room, i think it makes her feel that much more grown up.
Marriage: Thanks to God and all His miracles, Joe and I are still enjoying our fresh start that He gave us last fall. We enjoy eachother so much now. It's such a blessing to be best friends again and to appreciate why we fell in love in the first place. We are considering a trip in the near future for just the two of us. We never did get to go on a honeymoon and with popping out 5 kids in 10 years, and all the trials we've faced in that time (Caleb's disablity and death being a big one) we deserve it. we need it.....and we're looking forward to it!
that's all I can think of in my tired state right now.
House: Reno's are still on the go. Kitchen being the biggest of them all, but we're replacing all the doors and trim on the upper floor. Can't wait for it to be done! One more week.
Kids: Adjusting to all the commotion in the house with paint trays, drop cloths, and ladders everywhere. Isaiah moved into her own room last weekend. So now the babies are together (Loads of fun :P) Isaiah is enjoying her own room, i think it makes her feel that much more grown up.
Marriage: Thanks to God and all His miracles, Joe and I are still enjoying our fresh start that He gave us last fall. We enjoy eachother so much now. It's such a blessing to be best friends again and to appreciate why we fell in love in the first place. We are considering a trip in the near future for just the two of us. We never did get to go on a honeymoon and with popping out 5 kids in 10 years, and all the trials we've faced in that time (Caleb's disablity and death being a big one) we deserve it. we need it.....and we're looking forward to it!
that's all I can think of in my tired state right now.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A picture I got at the lake
At the lake for one week. It seemed that the week I was supposed to relax and enjoy my family, I pass through a wave of grief and pain. I made a promise to God a month or so ago to allow myself to be real in the moment-to feel pain when it comes-to make sure that I never wall myself off in self protection mode. So on the way up to the lake.....the wave began.
It was a super good time. I did enjoy my family, I did relax and we built memories and relationships.....but all the while, the inner turmoil remained.
Staying as vague as possible, I realized a picture of my life. I was at the beach with my kids, soaking up the rays. For one small moment, I caught a glimpse of peace. My spirit was able to connect to the truth of my situation and my eyes were opened to the REAL reality. It was like for that one short moment, a HUGE weight lifted from my heavy suppressed heart. It was like I came up for air after someone was holding me under water.....it was amazing......
Every now and then (it seems like 2% of the time) this happens to me. It's like for a short, sweet moment-I can breathe. It's like I am out from under torture.....only for a moment. Then....It's gone. Just like at the beach that day, it was snatched from me as quick as it came. The peace was gone. Feeling the weight back on my shoulders, I desperately wanted it back! I tried to go back to that "place".....but couldn't.
Later that day, I shared with Joe what happened. I cried. I don't know how to get free. I'm reading the shack and just like Mack said to Jesus the night they were looking up at the stars, "I feel so lost"......I TOTALLY understand how he felt. Apparently, Jesus answered Mack and said, "you're not lost......You are so far from lost" Jesus took his hand in that moment. I cried and then again.....threw the book (like I usually do)
It was a super good time. I did enjoy my family, I did relax and we built memories and relationships.....but all the while, the inner turmoil remained.
Staying as vague as possible, I realized a picture of my life. I was at the beach with my kids, soaking up the rays. For one small moment, I caught a glimpse of peace. My spirit was able to connect to the truth of my situation and my eyes were opened to the REAL reality. It was like for that one short moment, a HUGE weight lifted from my heavy suppressed heart. It was like I came up for air after someone was holding me under water.....it was amazing......
Every now and then (it seems like 2% of the time) this happens to me. It's like for a short, sweet moment-I can breathe. It's like I am out from under torture.....only for a moment. Then....It's gone. Just like at the beach that day, it was snatched from me as quick as it came. The peace was gone. Feeling the weight back on my shoulders, I desperately wanted it back! I tried to go back to that "place".....but couldn't.
Later that day, I shared with Joe what happened. I cried. I don't know how to get free. I'm reading the shack and just like Mack said to Jesus the night they were looking up at the stars, "I feel so lost"......I TOTALLY understand how he felt. Apparently, Jesus answered Mack and said, "you're not lost......You are so far from lost" Jesus took his hand in that moment. I cried and then again.....threw the book (like I usually do)
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
ROTFLMAO!
Deep fried Spam slice on a stick
A peanut butter, banana, honey and bacon sandwich on potato bread, dipped in egg batter then fried in bacon fat, topped with butter and blueberry syrup.
Mini double cheeseburgers with chicken McNuggets for buns.I had a good laugh at this blog.....
You can visit the blog here.
Here are a few things I thought were super funny I had to post them!
You can visit the blog here.
Here are a few things I thought were super funny I had to post them!
A pizza consisting of Thousand Island dressing as the sauce, topped with a family size bag of chicken fingers, a container of bacon bits all smothered in sliced mozzarella cheese.
A brioche bun with cotton candy filling.
Deep fried cheeseburger on a stick.
A one third pound of sirloin topped with two slices of white American cheese, four strips of bacon, peanut butter, between two Krispy Kreme donuts.
Spam that has passed through a french fry press and is deep fried.Thursday, June 25, 2009
Going away
On Monday, I was so sick of the computer that I did what any sanguine would do....I got rid of everything I could.
I don't desire to privatize my blog. Never did. But I will say that I'm taking a break from the internet for a while.
My facebook account has been deactivated as well for a while. I don't know how long, but I need to remove these distractions from my life for a time. I don't think it's wise to wrestle my raw thoughts out in public either. I think some cover would do me some good.
anywho.....thanks for reading, I'll be back, just don't know when.
Carebear
I don't desire to privatize my blog. Never did. But I will say that I'm taking a break from the internet for a while.
My facebook account has been deactivated as well for a while. I don't know how long, but I need to remove these distractions from my life for a time. I don't think it's wise to wrestle my raw thoughts out in public either. I think some cover would do me some good.
anywho.....thanks for reading, I'll be back, just don't know when.
Carebear
Monday, June 15, 2009
thoughts
With a MILLION things circling my head. Where do I start?
First off, the place I'm at is I don't trust anybody. I don't like being here. I've taken a few steps back in this area. I feel like 'who could I trust?' Wondering if people are the real deal. And considering that we are all humans, we don't even know what the real deal is anyway, so it's impossible to be the real deal. Our self deception is so sick and creepy that we don't even know the messes were in!
We were in life group last night, it was nice and freeing to be as real as I could. Which was just what I said. I figure that I might as well just call things as they are, instead of decieving myself too. Which I probably am. How will I move forward if I won't acknowledge what's there to deal with. I think before my spiritual pride would keep me from this. Afraid to share what I was really thinking, in fear that someone would think that I'm weak, or not growing, moving up the "maturity ladder"
Not interested in any sort of ladder at this point. Just wanting real peace, real life and real relationships. Although the relationship part will be hard to get to since I won't let anyone in. It's much safer in a closed cell. It seems to me, my experience anyway, that whenever I draw conclusions, it turns out I'm WAY off!
Thanks to L for being around, there in the backgroud. I love you and am so glad you;'re in my life.
First off, the place I'm at is I don't trust anybody. I don't like being here. I've taken a few steps back in this area. I feel like 'who could I trust?' Wondering if people are the real deal. And considering that we are all humans, we don't even know what the real deal is anyway, so it's impossible to be the real deal. Our self deception is so sick and creepy that we don't even know the messes were in!
We were in life group last night, it was nice and freeing to be as real as I could. Which was just what I said. I figure that I might as well just call things as they are, instead of decieving myself too. Which I probably am. How will I move forward if I won't acknowledge what's there to deal with. I think before my spiritual pride would keep me from this. Afraid to share what I was really thinking, in fear that someone would think that I'm weak, or not growing, moving up the "maturity ladder"
Not interested in any sort of ladder at this point. Just wanting real peace, real life and real relationships. Although the relationship part will be hard to get to since I won't let anyone in. It's much safer in a closed cell. It seems to me, my experience anyway, that whenever I draw conclusions, it turns out I'm WAY off!
Thanks to L for being around, there in the backgroud. I love you and am so glad you;'re in my life.
Monday, June 08, 2009
More church questions...more like LIFE questions
Yes, these days I am for surely questioning alot of things. Things have happened in my life to shake my foundation, and to challenge where I truly stand. My eyes are being opened to how blind I am and have been. The last thing I want to do is bash my church family in all this.
Yes, I am questioning "why we do church" but my heart loves my church family so so so much. I'm in a place in my life where I need a lot of healing. And I am one of those "hurting people". I say it in quotations like that because 2 years ago, that's how I would have labeled myself. 2 years ago, I was in a bubble of self deception and religious pride. I was comfortable in my little "safe place" of knowing everything. Of being "mature" of "moving up the church ladder" I was asked to become a care group leader!! Having a marriage of 11-12 years and going through a death of a child and still coming out the other side declaring that God is faithful and good. I had all my kidlets lined up in a homeschooling row. I had people tell me that I was an inspiration and that I was growing into a beautiful christian woman. Maybe I was....I'm not so sure.
Then my world crashed and everything changed. Everything to it's very core was and is still being shaken. My core values, my core beliefs, are all being challenged now. So my bubble no longer exists. My pride was broken and my self deception was exposed for me to see. Honestly, when I look back at the repentance I walked through, it was incredibly refreshing to weep through the disgusting mess I had made of my life. I felt so much mercy and grace when I asked for forgiveness. I never want to be that woman again.
As of now, I won't give up on my church family. I have nothing against them as people. I have just been wondering the purpose and pondering the fruit. My sister left me a comment about a life group we were in. I totally echo her heart and thoughts on it. This care group was true love, community and friendship. There was a mutual desire to be together, to fellowship, eat and play with the millions of kids we all had. One of us became a widow in the midst of it all and I know that we were the church to her. And she was to us. And honestly, she still is.
Even tho she doesn't come to our church anymore, she was the one that came over and put my drunk self to bed after Joe left me last fall. She was there, with no judgment, and listened as I slurred out my words of pain and abandonment. She didn't mind carrying me to bed and tucking me in. Although I had to deal with the hangover on my own!! LOL
This is church. I won't stop going, I love my family. even tho I am wrestling, I will trust that God will guide and lead me through these questions.
But please, let's keep talking about it, I have been appreciating your thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing your heart in my last comment box!!! We are in this together, this journey called life.
Yes, I am questioning "why we do church" but my heart loves my church family so so so much. I'm in a place in my life where I need a lot of healing. And I am one of those "hurting people". I say it in quotations like that because 2 years ago, that's how I would have labeled myself. 2 years ago, I was in a bubble of self deception and religious pride. I was comfortable in my little "safe place" of knowing everything. Of being "mature" of "moving up the church ladder" I was asked to become a care group leader!! Having a marriage of 11-12 years and going through a death of a child and still coming out the other side declaring that God is faithful and good. I had all my kidlets lined up in a homeschooling row. I had people tell me that I was an inspiration and that I was growing into a beautiful christian woman. Maybe I was....I'm not so sure.
Then my world crashed and everything changed. Everything to it's very core was and is still being shaken. My core values, my core beliefs, are all being challenged now. So my bubble no longer exists. My pride was broken and my self deception was exposed for me to see. Honestly, when I look back at the repentance I walked through, it was incredibly refreshing to weep through the disgusting mess I had made of my life. I felt so much mercy and grace when I asked for forgiveness. I never want to be that woman again.
As of now, I won't give up on my church family. I have nothing against them as people. I have just been wondering the purpose and pondering the fruit. My sister left me a comment about a life group we were in. I totally echo her heart and thoughts on it. This care group was true love, community and friendship. There was a mutual desire to be together, to fellowship, eat and play with the millions of kids we all had. One of us became a widow in the midst of it all and I know that we were the church to her. And she was to us. And honestly, she still is.
Even tho she doesn't come to our church anymore, she was the one that came over and put my drunk self to bed after Joe left me last fall. She was there, with no judgment, and listened as I slurred out my words of pain and abandonment. She didn't mind carrying me to bed and tucking me in. Although I had to deal with the hangover on my own!! LOL
This is church. I won't stop going, I love my family. even tho I am wrestling, I will trust that God will guide and lead me through these questions.
But please, let's keep talking about it, I have been appreciating your thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing your heart in my last comment box!!! We are in this together, this journey called life.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Why church?
I'm sitting here on a Saturday night.....
Knowing that church is in the morning.
Why do I go?
What's the purpose?
Is it safe? To heal? to be real? to allow God to work in me without the walls I've built?
Rene's post has complimented my thoughts about the "format' of it all.
Also, I've been holding onto stuff that I'm afraid to share, but am so sick of fear of people's opinions at this moment that I'm just going to say it!!
I went dancing! In a bar! And, I had 3 drinks! there.....I said it. Isn't it stupid that I am afraid of judgement? afraid that people will look "down" on me because those things are "bad"?
Go ahead, make my comment box a place to talk about this....cause at this point....I want to pretend I was never "saved"-start over-so that I can get to know God for real. The REAL God. Not the God that religion has painted.....
Knowing that church is in the morning.
Why do I go?
What's the purpose?
Is it safe? To heal? to be real? to allow God to work in me without the walls I've built?
Rene's post has complimented my thoughts about the "format' of it all.
Also, I've been holding onto stuff that I'm afraid to share, but am so sick of fear of people's opinions at this moment that I'm just going to say it!!
I went dancing! In a bar! And, I had 3 drinks! there.....I said it. Isn't it stupid that I am afraid of judgement? afraid that people will look "down" on me because those things are "bad"?
Go ahead, make my comment box a place to talk about this....cause at this point....I want to pretend I was never "saved"-start over-so that I can get to know God for real. The REAL God. Not the God that religion has painted.....
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Sarah.....writes poetry??
Pain pain, go away
come again another day
and put you off for one more day
you will only be twice as gray
But I can feel you inside my soul
in a bubbling, pushing, stiiring role
wanting out, and wanting free
but you can't seem to get past me
Self protection, self reliance
I stand walled up in defiance
hoping you'll just go away
never come again any other day
But deep down I know
you'll stay inside
until I face this ugly ride
Do I have faith, do I have courage
to stand and even jump off this ledge
and into what? Where would I fall?
I only feel 3 inches tall
Heck I'm writing poetry?!
I guess I'm desperate to be free
Trying something new
to ease my pain
anything to clean this stain
I can see a small glimpse of why this pain
so many others need His name
if God can redeem this awful stain
then walk with others
and together regain
what has been ripped from our hands
our souls, our hearts
and it feels like all our body parts
have been blown to bits
without a care
but God is here and has always been there
So God, if your listening
I need to face this pain somehow
but there's no way I can do it on my own
is this where your glory is shown????
Only time will tell
come again another day
and put you off for one more day
you will only be twice as gray
But I can feel you inside my soul
in a bubbling, pushing, stiiring role
wanting out, and wanting free
but you can't seem to get past me
Self protection, self reliance
I stand walled up in defiance
hoping you'll just go away
never come again any other day
But deep down I know
you'll stay inside
until I face this ugly ride
Do I have faith, do I have courage
to stand and even jump off this ledge
and into what? Where would I fall?
I only feel 3 inches tall
Heck I'm writing poetry?!
I guess I'm desperate to be free
Trying something new
to ease my pain
anything to clean this stain
I can see a small glimpse of why this pain
so many others need His name
if God can redeem this awful stain
then walk with others
and together regain
what has been ripped from our hands
our souls, our hearts
and it feels like all our body parts
have been blown to bits
without a care
but God is here and has always been there
So God, if your listening
I need to face this pain somehow
but there's no way I can do it on my own
is this where your glory is shown????
Only time will tell
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I am a total geek
k, this post is not so you can call me a geek all the more, but I do want to share my geekiness with you...... :P (nin....I'm talking to you)
last night I watched x-weighted, my favorite show with my fav personal trainer Mr. Paul Plakas. He challenged this girl to an indoor mini triathlon.
He said that a healthy and fit person should be able to this triathlon in less than 45 minutes.
1. 1.5 mile(not km) run
2. 2500 meter row
3. 150 calorie burn on the bike.
So like the geek that I am, I grabbed Joe's cell phone to enter in the numbers so I won't forget them.
Joe: Who are you calling?
me (sheepishly): I'm writing down this trialthon
Joe: Why.......? Are you going to do this?
Me: (laughing all like a geek.....but yet super excited to try this out) ......yes......
So this morning......
Joe: how was your sleep?
me: Long and hard
Joe: why did you have heartburn again?
me: no, I spent all night dreaming of doing the indoor triathlon!!
Joe (laughing at me): You must be EXHAUSTED!
last night I watched x-weighted, my favorite show with my fav personal trainer Mr. Paul Plakas. He challenged this girl to an indoor mini triathlon.
He said that a healthy and fit person should be able to this triathlon in less than 45 minutes.
1. 1.5 mile(not km) run
2. 2500 meter row
3. 150 calorie burn on the bike.
So like the geek that I am, I grabbed Joe's cell phone to enter in the numbers so I won't forget them.
Joe: Who are you calling?
me (sheepishly): I'm writing down this trialthon
Joe: Why.......? Are you going to do this?
Me: (laughing all like a geek.....but yet super excited to try this out) ......yes......
So this morning......
Joe: how was your sleep?
me: Long and hard
Joe: why did you have heartburn again?
me: no, I spent all night dreaming of doing the indoor triathlon!!
Joe (laughing at me): You must be EXHAUSTED!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
what's the waldherr's been doing?
Right now, Joe and Isaiah are out buying a bike. This year, we have gotten all new bikes. When they get home, we are off to bike the bridges as a family.
with the two younglings in the trailer, and the older two biking along with us....looking forward to it
Shannon and Doug finished building our shed last week. Joe and I painted it together last weekend. Joe's been putting up shelves in our spacious 10x14 little house!
organizing the laundry room, going through every box....found my old yellowed "wedding dress".....can't wait to get a NEW ONE!
our lawn is still brown, and for those of you that know me, would know that's a BIG THING! My lawn is always the first to be green! Goes to show you where my priorites are.
did another 9km run yesterday. pretty sore today. ran around the confedo ghetto. maybe I'll be running my first marathon BEFORE I'm 40! My dad says that I'll be doing a half marathon within the year....we'll see....
picking out our new kitchen! we are getting new dishwasher, new countertops, new lino, new sink, new faucet, and painting our doors! whoot whoot!
with the two younglings in the trailer, and the older two biking along with us....looking forward to it
Shannon and Doug finished building our shed last week. Joe and I painted it together last weekend. Joe's been putting up shelves in our spacious 10x14 little house!
organizing the laundry room, going through every box....found my old yellowed "wedding dress".....can't wait to get a NEW ONE!
our lawn is still brown, and for those of you that know me, would know that's a BIG THING! My lawn is always the first to be green! Goes to show you where my priorites are.
did another 9km run yesterday. pretty sore today. ran around the confedo ghetto. maybe I'll be running my first marathon BEFORE I'm 40! My dad says that I'll be doing a half marathon within the year....we'll see....
picking out our new kitchen! we are getting new dishwasher, new countertops, new lino, new sink, new faucet, and painting our doors! whoot whoot!
Friday, May 15, 2009
The sun is shining for me today
I am thankful right now. For my friends and family.
Joe, you are exactly the man I need....I love you
Nin, what can I say, my sis that knows me so well. I love our relationship....with boundries! It's freeing and such a blessing to be tied together properly. Thank you for being there to just laugh with me. You are a joy. I love how we can laugh at the most ridiculous things this life throws at us and we can laugh at ourselves and others!!
Morgan, my faithful friend. You are never afraid to speak your mind. I love how you have so much wisdom to share with me. I love how you pour into me without hesitation...God bless you and re-fill you up when you need it!
Llo, who shared the most painful moment of my life. Who knows me and still loves me
My kids who have so much grace and forgiveness for me in this time. God love on them in ways I can't
My spiritual mothers who faithfully pray for me. You know who you are!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Crystal, who walks with me through the pain. who asks who I am and doesn't give up on me, even tho I can disappear into a black cloud for weeks. Thank you for being persistant.
Tanya. Someone that obviously has the spirit of God on her life. She pours from a place that only God can fill. Thank you for everything!!
Holly. Someone who knows me so well. Sometimes better than myself! She is loyal beyond loyal. I know she'll always always be there for me. LOVE YOU
Laurie. Who has been sharing with me my food journey, keeping me on track and inspiring me to keep going! Who prays for me and listens...
I know there are so many others in my life that bless me beyond what I could have asked. Lynn, Steph, my dad, mom, my mother inlaw, sis in law, olga, shannon, rachel, kevin, terry....
Thank you God for all the support!
Joe, you are exactly the man I need....I love you
Nin, what can I say, my sis that knows me so well. I love our relationship....with boundries! It's freeing and such a blessing to be tied together properly. Thank you for being there to just laugh with me. You are a joy. I love how we can laugh at the most ridiculous things this life throws at us and we can laugh at ourselves and others!!
Morgan, my faithful friend. You are never afraid to speak your mind. I love how you have so much wisdom to share with me. I love how you pour into me without hesitation...God bless you and re-fill you up when you need it!
Llo, who shared the most painful moment of my life. Who knows me and still loves me
My kids who have so much grace and forgiveness for me in this time. God love on them in ways I can't
My spiritual mothers who faithfully pray for me. You know who you are!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Crystal, who walks with me through the pain. who asks who I am and doesn't give up on me, even tho I can disappear into a black cloud for weeks. Thank you for being persistant.
Tanya. Someone that obviously has the spirit of God on her life. She pours from a place that only God can fill. Thank you for everything!!
Holly. Someone who knows me so well. Sometimes better than myself! She is loyal beyond loyal. I know she'll always always be there for me. LOVE YOU
Laurie. Who has been sharing with me my food journey, keeping me on track and inspiring me to keep going! Who prays for me and listens...
I know there are so many others in my life that bless me beyond what I could have asked. Lynn, Steph, my dad, mom, my mother inlaw, sis in law, olga, shannon, rachel, kevin, terry....
Thank you God for all the support!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
??? what the hell
walls going up.
self protection is a scary thing....
i have nothing to give.
Hope? what's that?
As I sit here eating chocolate almonds hoping to numb the pain inside...nothing helps.
will i get better?
will i find myself?
i am losing myself......each day......
getting farther and farther away....from.....I don't even know what.....
tired of the facade.
tired of smiling...
i'm not okay.....
self protection is a scary thing....
i have nothing to give.
Hope? what's that?
As I sit here eating chocolate almonds hoping to numb the pain inside...nothing helps.
will i get better?
will i find myself?
i am losing myself......each day......
getting farther and farther away....from.....I don't even know what.....
tired of the facade.
tired of smiling...
i'm not okay.....
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
on the way home
song on the radio...cried all the way home.... here are the words....
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause
There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
TV or no TV?
I am thankful that God has been answering my prayers for direction. For once in my life, i am going to learn something WITHOUT swinging the pendulum! I am excited.
This morning, I had just the most amazing workout! When I workout in the morning without eating first, I usually struggle through it. Knowing that the calories burned first thing in the AM are coming right off my body and not off everything I ate all day helps me push through it.
I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical and then jumped on the tread for another 15 on running, running hard the last 4 minutes. When I go to the gym, all the equipment has T.V.'s and I usually watch a show while I run. But I was talking to a friend and telling her about how my workouts at home are so much more filled with worship. I realized that it was because I don't watch TV at home. I stare at one spot on the wall and soak in the worship music I listen to. So today, I turned off the T.V. at the gym and just spent that 30 minutes just talkin with God which was SO refreshing......
I hate it when I "run away" (no pun intended) and just fill my head with noise. I feel so empty. I just pray that I will have the endurance to run this race with excellence.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The biggest loser
I watch that show faithfully every Tuesday night. Of course, last night, I cried....again.
I can relate to them! So I was never over 210 pounds, but I know what it's like to feel trapped in a big unhealthy body that can barely move. I know what it feels like to know that food controls your life. I know what it's like to feel chained to the fridge and the toilet. I lived with bulimia for 18 years!
Last night Kristin went home. She was eliminated. (sorry to all who haven't watched it on their PVR yet) The show will always follow them home and show you how they are doing after leaving the biggest loser campus. 2 months after she left, Kristin was still going strong, losing more weight and staying on track. But more than that......she was helping others. She was using her story to speak to other women who felt trapped in their overwhelming feeling of never succeeding. They showed Kristin in a conference room full of ladies, listening to her tell them to believe! if she could do it, so could they! You could see the impact on their faces as Kristin shared her testimony.
This year has not been an easy one for us. For me. 7 months later, I'm still trying to find who I am. I went shopping with my sister the other day and found a rainbow scarf. I loved it at first sight! But it was an ODD moment. The reason it was an odd moment for me is because I actually had a PIECE of me COME OUT.....shine through. I LIKE THIS SCARF.....ME......I LIKE IT......THIS IS SOMETHING I LIKE.............
This might make no sense to anyone, but to me, I feel like I'm really building from the ground up. When I was watching Kristin last night, I was reminded of WHY I started my journey 4 years ago......to loose weight and get healthy.......
To help others. To walk with others. To inspire others. To teach others. To show God's goodness and faithfulness.
Somewhere in my woundedness, I am in my own little world of diet and exercise. Fueled by low self esteem and a drive to be a perfect 10 body, I'm WAY off track. I'm lost. I've been wrestling this for a while. Wondering what the answer is?
Do I just quit everything? Swing the pendulum WAY to the other side in hopes that I'll find the balance? Do I stop my physical activity completely?
So far, I've thought that I should FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE....STOP SWINGING THE PENDULUM to extremes and carry on and seek God in the process.
Anyway, this is again, real and gross.
Where I'm at.
I've ate like SH#T all week and I'm suppose to run my first 10 km today with Megan. Everything in me wants to cancel. There's something telling me to keep going.
God.........
Father.......
Come, make the places in my soul right.......
I can relate to them! So I was never over 210 pounds, but I know what it's like to feel trapped in a big unhealthy body that can barely move. I know what it feels like to know that food controls your life. I know what it's like to feel chained to the fridge and the toilet. I lived with bulimia for 18 years!
Last night Kristin went home. She was eliminated. (sorry to all who haven't watched it on their PVR yet) The show will always follow them home and show you how they are doing after leaving the biggest loser campus. 2 months after she left, Kristin was still going strong, losing more weight and staying on track. But more than that......she was helping others. She was using her story to speak to other women who felt trapped in their overwhelming feeling of never succeeding. They showed Kristin in a conference room full of ladies, listening to her tell them to believe! if she could do it, so could they! You could see the impact on their faces as Kristin shared her testimony.
This year has not been an easy one for us. For me. 7 months later, I'm still trying to find who I am. I went shopping with my sister the other day and found a rainbow scarf. I loved it at first sight! But it was an ODD moment. The reason it was an odd moment for me is because I actually had a PIECE of me COME OUT.....shine through. I LIKE THIS SCARF.....ME......I LIKE IT......THIS IS SOMETHING I LIKE.............
This might make no sense to anyone, but to me, I feel like I'm really building from the ground up. When I was watching Kristin last night, I was reminded of WHY I started my journey 4 years ago......to loose weight and get healthy.......
To help others. To walk with others. To inspire others. To teach others. To show God's goodness and faithfulness.
Somewhere in my woundedness, I am in my own little world of diet and exercise. Fueled by low self esteem and a drive to be a perfect 10 body, I'm WAY off track. I'm lost. I've been wrestling this for a while. Wondering what the answer is?
Do I just quit everything? Swing the pendulum WAY to the other side in hopes that I'll find the balance? Do I stop my physical activity completely?
So far, I've thought that I should FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE....STOP SWINGING THE PENDULUM to extremes and carry on and seek God in the process.
Anyway, this is again, real and gross.
Where I'm at.
I've ate like SH#T all week and I'm suppose to run my first 10 km today with Megan. Everything in me wants to cancel. There's something telling me to keep going.
God.........
Father.......
Come, make the places in my soul right.......
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thankful books/movies/tv shows
Books:
156. Every woman's marriage
157. Every woman's battle
158. The bible
160. Captivating
161. The true measure of a woman
162. Out of control and loving it.
163. Calvin and Hobbs
Movies:
164. Yes man
165. Adventures in babysitting
166. School of rock
167. Liar Liar
168. Signs
169. Family man
170. Sweet home alabama
TV shows:
171. The biggest loser
172. X-weighted
173. Last 10 pounds bootcamp
174. Till debt do us part
156. Every woman's marriage
157. Every woman's battle
158. The bible
160. Captivating
161. The true measure of a woman
162. Out of control and loving it.
163. Calvin and Hobbs
Movies:
164. Yes man
165. Adventures in babysitting
166. School of rock
167. Liar Liar
168. Signs
169. Family man
170. Sweet home alabama
TV shows:
171. The biggest loser
172. X-weighted
173. Last 10 pounds bootcamp
174. Till debt do us part
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thank you God for...(155)
139. Being able to walk to mac's with my girls and buy them a bunch of sugar goodness
140. giving me the strength to bypass all temptations and buy sugar free gum
141. BBQ season
142. healing my body from the virus that was trying to attack it
143. finding me a new bike for the summer!
144. finding Noah a cool BMX bike for only 40 bucks!
145. Green tea and green grapes
146. My sister, who is an amazing person, with qualities that show me what REAL BEAUTY IS.
147. That she's making her first turkey that I could smell from outside her house YUMMERS
148. For my bro in law that will hopefully sacrifice a run or two this summer so that I can work on my speed
149. For my mom who gives and gives and gives
150. my father figure who is still smoke free 3 months this wed!!!
151. my inlaws that I'm excited to see tomorrow for Easter!
152. uncle Rod and auntie Joan who have moved back to toon town!! WELCOME HOME!
153. the never ending hope that you supply in our driest times
154. your death and resurection that provides EVERYTHING WE NEED
155. I thank you for this daily, and will again....for saving, rescuing my marriage. Not just to survive, but saving it for your plans. Thank you for saving our family from what half of the world faces everyday......
140. giving me the strength to bypass all temptations and buy sugar free gum
141. BBQ season
142. healing my body from the virus that was trying to attack it
143. finding me a new bike for the summer!
144. finding Noah a cool BMX bike for only 40 bucks!
145. Green tea and green grapes
146. My sister, who is an amazing person, with qualities that show me what REAL BEAUTY IS.
147. That she's making her first turkey that I could smell from outside her house YUMMERS
148. For my bro in law that will hopefully sacrifice a run or two this summer so that I can work on my speed
149. For my mom who gives and gives and gives
150. my father figure who is still smoke free 3 months this wed!!!
151. my inlaws that I'm excited to see tomorrow for Easter!
152. uncle Rod and auntie Joan who have moved back to toon town!! WELCOME HOME!
153. the never ending hope that you supply in our driest times
154. your death and resurection that provides EVERYTHING WE NEED
155. I thank you for this daily, and will again....for saving, rescuing my marriage. Not just to survive, but saving it for your plans. Thank you for saving our family from what half of the world faces everyday......
Monday, April 06, 2009
Thankful list con't from FOREVER AGO.
I wanted to follow flowerlady's heart in finding 1000 blessings and sharing them my blog. I've been reminded of that today and want to continue my list
132. I am desired
133. I am pursued
134. I am worth God's son
135. I don't have to perform to earn God's love
136. I am accepted
137. I am valuable
138. God redeems everything
132. I am desired
133. I am pursued
134. I am worth God's son
135. I don't have to perform to earn God's love
136. I am accepted
137. I am valuable
138. God redeems everything
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
How do I blog?
I've written several posts, only to delete them or save them. I want to be real, but yet not have the whole world feast on my deepest most intimate thoughts.....
So I'll leave you with this:
I'm struggling. my sister nin has a song on her blog that speaks very well how I'm doing. You could go there and listen to the song. I love how real it is.
I want to be totally honest with my readers, but there are things in my heart and in my life that are just not meant to be shared right now. Which is hard for me.
Fear is my biggest enemy right now.
i'm tired of it in my life. I'm searching for the redemption that Jesus gives. Healing and restoration.
i wish i could be light and fluffy....just not there. just can't do it.....
So I'll leave you with this:
I'm struggling. my sister nin has a song on her blog that speaks very well how I'm doing. You could go there and listen to the song. I love how real it is.
I want to be totally honest with my readers, but there are things in my heart and in my life that are just not meant to be shared right now. Which is hard for me.
Fear is my biggest enemy right now.
i'm tired of it in my life. I'm searching for the redemption that Jesus gives. Healing and restoration.
i wish i could be light and fluffy....just not there. just can't do it.....
Monday, March 23, 2009
Am I going to fall or forever hang over this cliff?
Moving on....
Although this will have the same type of thread from the last post.
God wants us to know His love. We throw that around all the time. To me, I'm actually getting tired of words. I'm sick of hearing words that center around love. It irritates me. I think it's because I really don't know what it means. I know in my head all these things, I've been asking God for them too, and I know He hears me and will answer, but I'm so broken inside. I don't know how to heal. I'm not dumb, I know I can't force healing, it will come in it's time.....but still.....
I feel like I'm hanging over a cliff but I'm not falling. Just hanging there suspended in mid air knowing that I am going to fall, that I need to fall, that I will fall eventually (surrender and fall into my Daddy God arns).....but what's the hold up?
Hurt, fear, pain.....more hurt, fear and more pain.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Like this could go 2 ways. I could get bitter and have my life deeply rooted in fear and insecurity. Or I could heal, love freely and walk right into my destiny. I just don't know how......
I know that my God has the power to redeem me, heal me. I do believe (speaking with my eyes of faith and choosing to speak apart from fear) that I will someday be an incredible woman equipped to help other hurting women.....of course, that's easily "said" (again with words I'm tired of hearing) but how how how how how do I get there?
My worth. Being on a deliberate chosen journey of stripping myself of some comforts, I am realizing where my worth lies. I feel like I'm on some kind of operating table with all my organs exposed. I have been crying somedays, non stop. Understand that this crying is a good thing. It's all part of releasing poison deep inside. But it's really catching me off guard.
I know I have many spiritual mothers out there that are so faithful in praying for me. I am so grateful for them, cause I know they've got my back. Please pray that I can truly forgive. I don't know how on my own strength.....
Although this will have the same type of thread from the last post.
God wants us to know His love. We throw that around all the time. To me, I'm actually getting tired of words. I'm sick of hearing words that center around love. It irritates me. I think it's because I really don't know what it means. I know in my head all these things, I've been asking God for them too, and I know He hears me and will answer, but I'm so broken inside. I don't know how to heal. I'm not dumb, I know I can't force healing, it will come in it's time.....but still.....
I feel like I'm hanging over a cliff but I'm not falling. Just hanging there suspended in mid air knowing that I am going to fall, that I need to fall, that I will fall eventually (surrender and fall into my Daddy God arns).....but what's the hold up?
Hurt, fear, pain.....more hurt, fear and more pain.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Like this could go 2 ways. I could get bitter and have my life deeply rooted in fear and insecurity. Or I could heal, love freely and walk right into my destiny. I just don't know how......
I know that my God has the power to redeem me, heal me. I do believe (speaking with my eyes of faith and choosing to speak apart from fear) that I will someday be an incredible woman equipped to help other hurting women.....of course, that's easily "said" (again with words I'm tired of hearing) but how how how how how do I get there?
My worth. Being on a deliberate chosen journey of stripping myself of some comforts, I am realizing where my worth lies. I feel like I'm on some kind of operating table with all my organs exposed. I have been crying somedays, non stop. Understand that this crying is a good thing. It's all part of releasing poison deep inside. But it's really catching me off guard.
I know I have many spiritual mothers out there that are so faithful in praying for me. I am so grateful for them, cause I know they've got my back. Please pray that I can truly forgive. I don't know how on my own strength.....
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Divorce, separation, heartache......
I've been thinking alot about divorce and separation in the last 6 months. Being that my family almost broke apart and I had a taste of heartbreak and abandonment, my eyes are opened to so many things.
I've been amazed at how divorce and separation are EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE PEOPLE! Before Joe left me in the fall, I would have to say that I lived in a "happily ever after" bubble. My marriage would never crumble and it was normal to see relationships broken around me. But it would never happen to me! After all, we said "I do, till death parts us"
How are we coping as a society, as a church, as mankind to deal with all this divorce? I'd have to say, NOT VERY WELL. Everywhere I go, there's a woman, heart broken from separation.
At Faith's ballet this morning, a mom on her cell phone, "So I guess I'm taking her to skating? It's your weekend!" Then addresses her 3 year old daughter, "Sorry honey, you can't see your dad today, I will take you to his house tomorrow"
Last year I watched mom from Isaiah's ballet class go through a divorce. Now a year later, her face has no life, no joy, and walls built so thick around her....it grieves me.
When Joe left me, My chest literally hurt. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. Childbirth was a breeze! I'd do 48 hours of labor any day, over going through separation!
How does society deal with it? We are so empty as mankind! Just turn on your radio and all you will hear are songs that are trying to cope and deal with the rejection, the abandonment, the hurt, the betrayal of adultery.....
Women and men are made different. God designed us with different desires. Women long to be the beauty of a story. They long for a prince that will fight for her to the death. Men long to be a warrior. It's in their blueprints to have a woman to fight for, to be that valiant knight in a story, rescuing a princess in a castle. Movies everywhere captivate this. LOTR have influencial princesses and strong men that are honorable and courageous. Braveheart, saving private ryan, even maid in manhattan is a story of Cinderella. It's in our core, in our beings.
Men and woman that don't have that moral compass inside (God) don't have the ability to love another properly. Their love becomes toxic. If you compare the men and women popular artists, you will be able to hear the poison, the ways of coping, the toxic love that comes into their lyrics.
Our world is empty and filling their voids with ways to survive all the heartache. Songs by women sing of using their bodies as leverage over men to recieve toxic love. Toxic is better than nothing. Men sing about power and control and about worshipping the body of a woman. It's such a game. And mankind knows how the game is played.
Lady gaga sings a song called "Love game" and it literally talks about how the game is played. "Pokerface" is another example of the manipulation and mindgames that are played out there. She says, "I'll get him hot, show him what I've got" but all the while keeping a pokerface cause she's holding all the cards.
Britney Spears actually has a song called "Toxic" that's pretty sick. Most of her music centers around playing the game. "womanizer, Radar and Break the Ice" to name a few. "Circus" talks about her being the center of attention, having all the power and control. She says,"I run a tight ship, so beware"
The men willingly play into it in their songs fully admitting that they have no control over their lust. Justin Timberlake sings "Love Stoned" which says, "she's got me loved stoned, she's bad and I think that she knows.....she' might be coming home with me tonight" His songs like "Rock you body, Sexy Back, Senorita" His lyrics are full of that game. You give me your body, I'll give you this fake, toxic love to tie you over to the next "fix".
I think that this Rihanna/Chris Brown is totally sad. Even in Hollywood, with all that money/power/sex, she will still put up with physical abuse in her relatinships.
The male rappers are particularly bad, taking it to the next level. Degrading women, literally calling them vulgar names and saying they are only worth their bodies. Eminem, 50 cent, Dr. Dre rap about power, money, and getting high as a way of coping of the big gapping hole in their hearts.
Sadly, I'd have to say that last year, I was listening to all this crap. My hubby also went through a phase of empty music that lead us both down very dangerous and sinful paths. This music encourages infidelity, flirting and feeding a part of our flesh that doesn't need any extra watering. The part of us that should have been crucified with Christ!
I'm careful to pick my music now. It's interesting that there are some songs that sing of this "love story" that is truly meant to be a picture of God and his bride. It's so natural for us to sing of that love story of being pursued and having someone to trust and never let us down. I have many secular songs that sing of the love story that I worship to. You can very easily sing to God instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Untouched, by the Veronicas is a good example. No Air by Jordin Sparks is another good one.
I will rant more on this later. So many thoughts on this
I've been amazed at how divorce and separation are EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE PEOPLE! Before Joe left me in the fall, I would have to say that I lived in a "happily ever after" bubble. My marriage would never crumble and it was normal to see relationships broken around me. But it would never happen to me! After all, we said "I do, till death parts us"
How are we coping as a society, as a church, as mankind to deal with all this divorce? I'd have to say, NOT VERY WELL. Everywhere I go, there's a woman, heart broken from separation.
At Faith's ballet this morning, a mom on her cell phone, "So I guess I'm taking her to skating? It's your weekend!" Then addresses her 3 year old daughter, "Sorry honey, you can't see your dad today, I will take you to his house tomorrow"
Last year I watched mom from Isaiah's ballet class go through a divorce. Now a year later, her face has no life, no joy, and walls built so thick around her....it grieves me.
When Joe left me, My chest literally hurt. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. Childbirth was a breeze! I'd do 48 hours of labor any day, over going through separation!
How does society deal with it? We are so empty as mankind! Just turn on your radio and all you will hear are songs that are trying to cope and deal with the rejection, the abandonment, the hurt, the betrayal of adultery.....
Women and men are made different. God designed us with different desires. Women long to be the beauty of a story. They long for a prince that will fight for her to the death. Men long to be a warrior. It's in their blueprints to have a woman to fight for, to be that valiant knight in a story, rescuing a princess in a castle. Movies everywhere captivate this. LOTR have influencial princesses and strong men that are honorable and courageous. Braveheart, saving private ryan, even maid in manhattan is a story of Cinderella. It's in our core, in our beings.
Men and woman that don't have that moral compass inside (God) don't have the ability to love another properly. Their love becomes toxic. If you compare the men and women popular artists, you will be able to hear the poison, the ways of coping, the toxic love that comes into their lyrics.
Our world is empty and filling their voids with ways to survive all the heartache. Songs by women sing of using their bodies as leverage over men to recieve toxic love. Toxic is better than nothing. Men sing about power and control and about worshipping the body of a woman. It's such a game. And mankind knows how the game is played.
Lady gaga sings a song called "Love game" and it literally talks about how the game is played. "Pokerface" is another example of the manipulation and mindgames that are played out there. She says, "I'll get him hot, show him what I've got" but all the while keeping a pokerface cause she's holding all the cards.
Britney Spears actually has a song called "Toxic" that's pretty sick. Most of her music centers around playing the game. "womanizer, Radar and Break the Ice" to name a few. "Circus" talks about her being the center of attention, having all the power and control. She says,"I run a tight ship, so beware"
The men willingly play into it in their songs fully admitting that they have no control over their lust. Justin Timberlake sings "Love Stoned" which says, "she's got me loved stoned, she's bad and I think that she knows.....she' might be coming home with me tonight" His songs like "Rock you body, Sexy Back, Senorita" His lyrics are full of that game. You give me your body, I'll give you this fake, toxic love to tie you over to the next "fix".
I think that this Rihanna/Chris Brown is totally sad. Even in Hollywood, with all that money/power/sex, she will still put up with physical abuse in her relatinships.
The male rappers are particularly bad, taking it to the next level. Degrading women, literally calling them vulgar names and saying they are only worth their bodies. Eminem, 50 cent, Dr. Dre rap about power, money, and getting high as a way of coping of the big gapping hole in their hearts.
Sadly, I'd have to say that last year, I was listening to all this crap. My hubby also went through a phase of empty music that lead us both down very dangerous and sinful paths. This music encourages infidelity, flirting and feeding a part of our flesh that doesn't need any extra watering. The part of us that should have been crucified with Christ!
I'm careful to pick my music now. It's interesting that there are some songs that sing of this "love story" that is truly meant to be a picture of God and his bride. It's so natural for us to sing of that love story of being pursued and having someone to trust and never let us down. I have many secular songs that sing of the love story that I worship to. You can very easily sing to God instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend. Untouched, by the Veronicas is a good example. No Air by Jordin Sparks is another good one.
I will rant more on this later. So many thoughts on this
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