I've had some really good days. His grace is sufficent. He is building my faith on this walk. My relationship to food all my life has been distorted, unhealthy and sometimes even dangerous.
As long as I can remember, food has been my friend, my comfort. I would come home from school after a day of getting teased and stuff my face with chicken burgers, handfuls of parmasan cheese, crackers and peanut butter.....anything to "fill my lonelyness" "bury my pain". I started to throw up my food when I was about 12. It was a cry for help, but didn't realize the pain it would cause me for the next 14 years of my life. It was a way of trying to "find myself", looking for an identity. "I am a troubled young girl. I am bulemic. I need love...." Of course, I didn't look at it like that when I was 12. I just thought it would be a neat thing to try. Looking back tho....that's what it was.
Then as a teen, I discovered drugs and sex. Didn't have to eat anymore! And usually the drugs made me sick, so I lost alot of weight. It seemed to do the job until I was sent to rehab. In rehab, they make you quit drugs, quit smoking, and then they separate the guys and girls! AAAAHHHHHH, now what??? Well, it was a good thing that they fed you 7 times a day in rehab, cause we all woulda went crazy. My roomate from Yellowknife, gained 60 pounds in 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!! She was so depressed that she told me that when she gets out, she's going right back to drugs to get the weight off. I myself gained 30 pounds in 3 months, but came out looking healthy instead like a rack of bones. (my mom didn't even recongnize me after I left home for the summer to party) In rehab, I really struggled with bulemia since I started to gain weight.
I've never had a weight problem until I had Caleb. I gained another 60 pounds in my pregnancy with 30 of it came off the first week. That's when things got really bad. I was bingeing and purging several times a day and battling major depression. Things starting getting better after Noah and since then has been a steady battle. It comes and goes. Sometimes not having an incident for a few months and then 3 or 4 in one month. When I start "dieting" it usually gets worse. I've been on so many yo yo's that I'm nauseated! I want off the rollercoaster and into God's lap.
This time is very different. My emotions aren't flying all over. I'm not even really excited. I'm trying not to obsess like I usually do. And doing everything in my power to stay rightly focused. I think this time, I'm being totally honest. I'm totally broken. And I think of that man in the bible that said, "Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief!!!!" That's me. This journey with food has been never ending! So many failures! So many attempts at this and that. Diet pills, atkins, weigh down, starvation, exercise, obsessive healthy eating kicks, juice fasts, and most of the time I just ignore it. Pretend it's not there. Try to go on with my life like I am normal when it comes to food....but knowing deep down that I'm not normal!
I would ask that as I share this journey with you, that you would just pray for me as you feel led, but I don't really want advice on eating tips or weight loss. This is a journey of healing of my spirit which will in turn show itself in my behaviors. I am trying to walk a road of obeidience in my eating as God is calling me. It's not that I'm all prideful and think I know everything.....I just need to hear from God right now and stay as close to him as possible. He knows my hurts, my past, my wounds that need healing in what time. I am putting my full trust in him and his leading. If you feel strongly to share something, I am very open! I bless you to walk with me! In fact, I WANT you to walk with me! I need you guys! Does that make sense????
Well, better keep climbing......it's a big mountain.....but not too big for MY GOD!!!!!
8 comments:
You're so on the right path! And I am so excited to be able to witness what great things the Lord is going to do in you! You will be mighty testimony to many, of God's faithfulness, healing and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! Love ya sis!
:) *hugs* :)
I agree with Nin...you are in a very good spot. I think for anyone, realizing that it is not a specific diet or lifestyle change that is going to do what needs to be done...its the Lord...is a huge hurdle. The truth is, He knows you and knows what will actually work for you. It may be something you've tried before, only now you are ready...it may be something you thought you'd never try. That was the case for me. But the method itself doesn't really matter, what does is that it is the method the Lord would have you use, that you are doing it to glorify him, and walking it out in His strength. That is what it sounds like you are determinded to do...and that is so exciting!
--tina
hmmm, interesting what you said tina. It's a method that I've poo pooed all my life. But God is using this to teach me what I need to learn. And you're right, it's not about the method. It's about obeidience. I just need to do what I need to do and he'll do the rest. It's been very freeing to rest in the battle being the Lord's. Keep my eyes fixed and the rest is victory!! Thanks so much for your prayers and support. It's really nice to have others that have walked the same path and have come out alive. I still am in shock that I'm sharing all this!!! Well, to God be the glory forever and ever!!!!
you are so beautiful. i'm always amazed by your ability to share yourself. having walked tiny bits of the journey with you at different times (weigh down) I wanna bless you to keep going. Endure, count it joy when you face trials because God says that through all this He's gonna make us more like Jesus. That's a good thing. Love you
thanks flower! Yeah, i forgot that we were in weigh down together! that seems like a lifetime ago....things were so different for me....weren't you pregnant with samuel then?
Hey Carebear, my sister. God bless you for your transparency. As Jesus commanded the people to "unwrap" Lazarus, we are to lean on each other for our unwrapping whatever we have been bound with. Thank you for posting your journey. I have friends who are struggling with the exact same issues (well, nobody struggles with EXACTLY the same issues - but you know what I mean), and I'm going to point them to your journal so they can see they're not alone. God bless you for sharing, and for your willingness to be vulnerable. You are in my prayers. Sue
BTW - I had a friend once who was trying to quit smoking. In her fifth attempt, she failed yet again. Another friend of ours said to her, "Each time you quit and fail, you're one step closer to quitting for the last time. Don't ever give up." Sue
Hey Carebear, couple of things I wanted to encourage you in. One is thanks for being real and sharing your struggles in this area. That took courage and I want to commend you in that. That was an awesome testimony of God's work in your life. Secondly I want to encourage you to keep hangin with Jesus on this, you are definitely on the right path. God Bless ya sister!
Post a Comment