The way I process

My counselor, whom I love so so much OXOX She spent the morning with me yesterday. She isn't afraid of me crying, she knows I won't die. And if anything, she knows that if she can just get me crying, it will be for my own good.....hence what seemed like crying for so long that my eyes felt like baseballs and my sinuses jammed full of molasses.

Our sessions remind me of what it's like to jump off the 7.5 meter diving board at harry bailey. You know that you want to jump off at some point, but you're not sure when. At first you stand on the side of the pool, watching others jump off. Watching to see if they die, get hurt, scream, laugh.....the you might be brave enough to walk up the stairs, but with a friend, just incase you need to be humiliated and come back down again. You explain to your friend that if you chicken out, you make an agreement that the BOTH of you will come down the stairs together so that no one will know which on of you is the real chicken. After a few trips up and down the stairs, you decide it's safe enough to stand on the platform. But with your back FIRMLY against the wall. You can't even see off the edges. Slowly, you walk forward towards the edge, holding on the the railings, heart beating fast, the height of it is gripping you. When you finally get up enough courage to LOOK OVER the edge, you not only can see the ground, BUT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL-which is ANOTHER 16 feet! I remember standing up there forEVER! looking, staring, thinking, fearing, trying to be brave, talking to myself, telling myself to be brave and just jump already! I must have counted to 3 a million times over without making the jump. I remember bending my knees, plugging my nose, but yet my feet not budging! I remember everyone in the pool was even starting to get frustrated. Complete strangers were yelling at me from the bottom, "JUMP ALREADY!" "COME ON!!!!" "JUMP!!!!!!"

You know, when I think about it, back in grade 6, when I made the big 7.5 meter jump, I can't actually remember what made me finally go. But I remember the fall. Very very clearly. It seemed like I fell forever. Screaming all the way down, I hit the water and panic rushed over me as it felt like I sank to the bottom of the pool. With no air left in my lungs from all the screaming and having to swim all the way up to the top of the water, I wasn't sure if I would make it. But I did. A sense of accomplishment was met as I was able to take the jump a few more times without it taking over an hour!

I feel like I have been walking up and down those stairs for a long time. Walking up to the platform and looking over the edge many many times. Yesterday, I feel like I jumped off the platform before it. the 5 meter. Gearing myself up to the BIG jump. I know I didn't officially do what really needs to be done, but I feel more and more ready to go there. I am able to actually look it in the eye a bit more. Maybe even speak to it. maybe even be brave enough to give it my voice, my feelings, my hurt.

Thank you my dear counselor who selflessly gives herself, her time to help heal someone who wants freedom. You are making a difference in my life, like you wouldn't believe. love you!

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-I found out yesterday that people line up in the hallway before my class to make sure they get a bosu (there's only 13) :D

-When I walked into my class 15 mintues before class to set up, the room was PACKED full of ladies ready to go! What a nice way to go to work!

-But since there's only 13 BOSU's, I had to turn 4 people away, including Jonah's step mom who comes regularly :(

-I feel like I'm making a difference in people's lives

-I'm happy with the way our home is running, trying to improve schedules and disciplines

-I'm reading "life without ED" again, a book about overcoming your eating disorder

-Not necessarily happy with our budget :( :S

-proud of my hubby in everything he does. He is the man I dreamed of having as a girl

-proud of my mom for quitting smoking!!! day 5 for her today

-proud of noah and isaiah for consistently cleaning their rooms and keeping them neat and tidy

-NOT proud of faith and elishah, since their rooms continue to be a DISASTER area!

-Still waiting to see if my kitchen will magically be sanded, primed and painted, but it's not happening.

-I LOVE opening my new FRONT window!!! Complete with huge bill :( but worth it :)

-Still checking my kids for lice every 3-5 days.

-My new favorite song is pink! raise your glass (cause I'm a dirty little freak!)

-Missing my best friend since she's back at work now and I can't talk to her whenever I want for as long as I want :(

25 to life

Today I was running. I've been running to this song for a while now and I loved it right from the first time I heard it. I really like the way Eminem expresses his feelings in this song. It's very raw and honest to the core. So for those of you who are offended by Eminem, this will probably offend you.
But since this is my blog, with my thoughts and my journey, something hit me today and I want to share it. Those that know me well, know my long uphill battle with my eating disorder. You will also know that 2.5 years ago, I stopped throwing up my food, thinking that I had ended my battle with bulimia. Not so....
Little did I know that my eating disorder would morph into new voices and eating patterns. It changed in the way it spoke to me and the way I worked out in the gym. Even though I wasn't throwing up my food, I was desperately purging calories in the gym and trying to restrict my food. It still consumed my thoughts, my life and alot of my actions.
Well, as of recently, a month and a half to be exact. I have relapsed. I am again throwing up my food. There, I said it. I am still an open person -- yea for me........(sarcastic voice)

So back to my run. As I was running to one of my new favorite Eminem songs, I realized that this song that he wrote to hip hop, I had those same thoughts towards my eating disorder, which I've called "Ed or Edith" I will share the lyrics with you and change the words to where it's meaningful to me. I am not going to edit out the swears, because they are a part of how I feel. So if you are offended by profanity, please don't read on. If you choose to read on, remember that this is my blog, my place to share my journey. Highlighted are the parts of the song that really hit home for me.


I don't think she understands
The sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this b itch had acted right
I would have stayed
But I've already wasted over half my life
I would have laid down and died for you
I longer cry for you
No more pain
b itch you took me for granted
Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt
I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it
And I'm gonna be the boss of you now god dam it
And what I mean is that
I'm will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out
This much you owe me
I gave up my life for you
Totally devoted to you
Why I've stayed
Faithful all the way
This is how I fuc kin get repaid?

Look at how I dress
fuc kin baggy sweats (gym clothes, runners)
Go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you
I ain't heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me
I deserve respect
I've done my best to give you
Nothing less then perfectness
And I know that if I end this
I'll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase
It's time to fuc kin step
And I wont be coming back
So don't hold your fuc kin breath
You know what you've done
No need to go in depth
I told you you'd be sorry
If I fuc kin left
I laughed while you wept
How's it feel now?
Yeah funny ain't it
You neglected me
Did me a favor
Let all my spirit free
You've said
Got a special place for you
In my heart
That I have kept
It's unfortunate but it's

Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

I feel like
When I bend over backwards for you
All you do is laugh
Cuz that ain't good enough
You expect me to fold myself in half
Till I snap
Don't think I'm loyal
All I do is rap (workout, eat less, more....etc)
How can I moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Don't I give you enough of my time?
You don't think so do you?
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why I'm married to you still
Man I don't know
But tonight I'm serving you with papers
I'm divorcing you
Go marry someone else
And make em famous
And take away their freedom
Like you did to me
Treat em like you don't need em
And they ain't worthy of you
Feed em
The same sh it hat you made me eat
I'm moving on
Forget you
Oh now I'm special
I didn't feel special when I was wit you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish b itch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this
So many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this
But in my sickness
And addiction
Your addictive as they get
Evil as they come
Vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking me
Why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress
The drama
I'm drawn to @#!*%
So I guess I'm a mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'm climbing out this abyss
Your screaming as I walk out
That I'll be missed
But when you spoke of people
Who meant the most to you
You left me off your list
f uck you hip hop (Edith)
I'm leaving you
My life sentence is served b itch
And it's just

Too late
For the other side
Caught in a chase
25 to life

the cry of every girl's heart

Deep down inside, there is a longing in each of us. This song touches some of what's in my heart.
I know that Rihanna is a wounded soul and with everything that I've learned in the last couple of years, I can see through the wound, hear her cry, and know pieces of where the answer lies.
Nonetheless, I can relate to her longing. I can stand beside her deep cry, cause I have the same one.

Want you to make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world
Like I’m the only one that you’ll ever love
Like I’m the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world…
Like I’m the only one that’s in command
Cuz I’m the only one who understands, like I’m the only one who knows your heart, only one....

I guess it comes back to those 3 words again. Cherished, Chosen and Treasured.

Of course, the rest of the song is twisted with wounds and a poor sense of who she really is as a woman. She is giving herself like a piece of pie, and at the same time, asks to be treated like the only girl in the world, which doesn't really work that well when she's feeding the wrong part of a man. One of the biggest revelations in both Joe and I is that a woman cannot make a man feel like a man. She is a woman. And if a man has his identity in his sexuality and not in God, he will turn to a woman to fill that. so around and around they go filling each other in a way that can never be satisfied, and actually, they are using each other for selfish reasons.

I'm on a quest to find God's true purpose for a man and wife coming together. without all the mumbo jumbo, without the wounds, from a pure, true place. I can sure identify with the longings that I believe God originally put in us. The question is what do we do with those longings, how do we enjoy the fruit of marriage, and yet be filled and satisfied with God's love in the deepest parts of us?

Things I am looking forward to

-Teaching my class tonight! I have a fun lesson plan, including plank pushovers, dead bug holds and we're going to use resistance bands today!

-Having a run this weekend, hopefully a 10 km

-Taking time for myself to journal, reflect on this last year and my new goals.

-Trying out my new coconut vodka with pinapple juice YUM

-Teaching my last, full class on muscle sculpt at the fieldhouse this Monday from 8-9 and YES, that's an invitation!

-Cooking my homemade meatballs this weekend

-Getting my hair done at Jilla's on MONDAY! goodbye roots!

-Owen's baptism on Sunday :)

-Cashing my first cheque only to NOT spend the money :)

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thoughts in random form

-how did I end up with such an amazing man?

-Elishah is even EXTRA cute when it's just me, joe and her.

-The Bulk Barn is the new place to go for junk runs!!!

-It's super funny when your 3 year old, that's potty trained, is wearing a diaper in the store, decides to pee and her eyes go red around the rims :P

-holding off on painting my kitchen for another weekend annoys me, but it's life

-to run outside/on my treadmill/go to the gym.....decisions, decisions.....

-The movie "Remember Me" SUCKS BUM! (even when you watch it in fast forward!)

-Sleeping sitting up is second nature to me

-Wondering when I'm going to actually ENJOY housework again

-I had one person in my class yesterday :( The friday BOSU slot is super slow :(

-GOT MY FIRST CHECK YESTERDAY!!!

My little faithfulness....in kindergarten.......

Ok, so I've never in my life, sent a child to school at the age of 5. Or even 6. My first child was almost 8 when she went to school and Noah was almost 10. It wasn't the prettiest circumstances when they went to school, but I knew it was coming and they were older! I probably forget already how hard that was, becuase all I can think of now is HOW HARD it is to have my little BABY in school now :(

So I have to tell you about my last week. Faith's first day of school was last Wednesday. Today is her 3rd day of school (she skips every other day) Her first day of school, I dropped her off and walked back to the car with a lone child in a stroller. I had to fight tears, thinking to myself, "c'mon! pull it together, you're being a drama queen about this! You've been looking forward to this forever!" But it hit me. My little faithfulness is in KINDERGARTEN........
I made myself busy that day. Taking my mind off of what was really happening. I don't think I was home that WHOLE day. I surrounded myself with people and things to do. Day one=complete

Day 2 was on Friday. I had to sit on myself to NOT go to the school. I asked faith as I was packing her lunch, "do you want mom to come see you at school today at lunch?" She said, "no, it's ok mom" "aw, are you sure? i could just come for a little bit" so for MY sake she said, "ok, mom if you want to....." (STAB) I determined after that hard day that I was GOING to see her on Monday for sure!

Today:
I'm so excited to go see Faith. I show up to see her sitting with her back towards me. She was eating so quietly and peacefully. I went up to her (fighting tears to see her so big and grown up) I asked her how her lunch was. All the other kids were looking at me, like I was some big elephant in the room. One kid said, "why are you here?" I said, defending myself, "to see Faith, I'm faith's mom" Faith's teacher was still in the room, so I thought I should ask her how Faith was doing. I got "the talk" from her. That Faith is fine and that I don't need to worry and to not come to the school too often if I can help it.......
After feeling a bit out of place, I decided to go see Isaiah. "come on sheesha! let's go see Isaiah!" On my way out the door, I tried to make eye contact with Faith to say by, but she was too busy eating and talking to her new friends.....so I left.
Get to Isaiah's class and she's so used to me at the school, that she isn't excited to see me, she's just like, "hey mom" and carries on talking with her friends. I try to get in on the convo, but it's obvious that it's a kid thing and not a mom thing. So feeling a bit rejected again, I say to sheesha "let's go see noah!!" (in my head I 'm thinking, he's always happy to see me) So we wander down the hall to the portables to see Noah.
As soon as I walk in the class, 3 or 4 kids are like,"Noah, you're mom's here...." they are apparently so used to seeing me. He's like, "oh hey mom" as he's packing up his lunch. I'm like, "where are you going?" He's like, "Oh, I'm to the cross country meet, see ya!" and he walks out!!
So here I am, in a desk, and sheesha's running around the room and my son just deserted me! K, maybe I am a crazy mom! But gotta go out with a bang right?
So I think to myself, Faith is probably done eating and is getting ready to go outside, lets' go back and see her one more time.......
By the time we walk to the other side of the school, I pass Isaiah in the hallway, and she doesn't even acknowledge me. She on her way outside and she talking about what they're all going to play. Finally back in Faith's classroom, she on the carpet, reading a book. So without making the same mistake twice, I sneak out with elishah and wait for her on the playground. As I'm out on the playground stalking all my children, Noah runs by, running his 2 k. My heart all swells up, and I'm so proud, so I yell out, "GOOD JOB NOAH!!!!!"
Sheesh, this is getting more and more pathetic as the story goes on I know......but it goes on :S
Finally Faith comes out and I'm so exicted to see her play, she laughing and running around all her friends. So I think its a great idea to ask her what her friends names are, so that we can talk about them later.......
So I approach a group of girls, laughing their heads off, including faith.....and realized, that I'd just better leave her alone. So I walk away......feeling sheepish.
I pushed Elishah on the swing for 5 minutes and then came home....
SIGH.......

When will I be worth fighting for?

I am now looking at the second year marker. That's how I roll. I've always been that way. I look at my life through big landmarks that have formed who I've become.
-When I got clean at 16, Nov 15, 1995, my family celebrated my clean date for years and years.
-I still remember August 27th, 1995. It was the day God RESCUED me off the street. I was "kidnapped" by my parents, thrown into the back of a car and shipped to detox.
-When Joe and I started dating ,aug 13, 1995
-the day we got engaged aug 14, 1996
-the day we got married Nov 9, 1996
-The day I said my final goodbye to bulimia Feb 5th, 2008
-The week I fasted for my family April 14-19th, 2008
-The day Caleb was admitted to hospital Oct 23, 2006
-The day he died, Oct 26, 06

Those are some of my landmarks, but there are many more. I think that it's good to look at life this way because it's encouraging to see the growth, to see how God moved, and to see His faithfulness. But.....to let moments DEFINE YOU....that's another story. Somehow, 2 years ago, the events that were placed before me became WHO I AM. I allowed events and circumstances to tell me who I am, what I'm worth, and it completely derailed me as a person. After all this time, cause 2 years sounds like a LONG time, I've actually learned a few things. GASP!

I've realized that when the rubber meets the road, when push comes to shove, when it all boils down, the ball is in my court. I hate saying that outloud, because I'm held to my own words, but it needs to be said.
-I've fought for Caleb, keeping him home with us and not putting him a home, fighting for his needs because he was worth it.
-I've fought for my kids, giving up my life to homeschool them, stretching myself beyond what I thought possible, for THEM, cause they are worth it.
-I've fought for Joe, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because Joe is worth it.
And.....before my "defining moment" 2 years ago, I was learning to fight for ME..... Saying goodbye to my eating disorder because I knew I deserved better. I started my journey with running and fitness. Why? because I deserved to be healthy, happy and have time for MYSELF.
But it's time to fight for me! not just keep myself alive for those around me, but fight for ME. And, here's the scary/eyeopening piece. I know that if I don't start passionatly fighting for me right now, I could loose myself forever. Or something terrible will happen. I read in a book once, "desperate people do desperate things" And I've been living in a state of desperation for a long time. With big holes in my heart that need attention.
They say you MAKE time for things that are important to you. I get that. I get that very much. I am the one that will MAKE a trip to the gym to "FIT" in a run, a workout, because I need to. It's a priority. I understand that if I want to fit in my workouts, I have to juggle my kids, my family time, meals, schedules, just to get it in. I get that. Why don't I do that for my spiritual health? Why is my spiritual health an option??? I will always tell people that they need to MAKE time if they want to get fit, but what good is a healthy body when you're dying inside? :(

I put away my old journal. I have to. I have to leave it behind. I have to leave the past in the past and walk towards God's heart for ME. I have to fight for me. If I can't fight for me, I will never be able to fight for others.

Gravol addiction

I never would have thought that taking some gravol to help me sleep would catch up with me. It turns out that I'm having to gradually wean myself from it. The gravol was working well for me, giving me a deep sleep with no interruptions. With Joe's snoring and my "heartburn attacks" it was a great solution. I took two each night and woke up a bit groggy, but it wore off after a couple cups of coffee.
This went on for a month, till......Joe and I went to Regina last weekend for a marriage weekend and I forgot to bring it with me. Of course my sleep was a disaster, my heartburn was not good at all, but the worst of it was the next day, I was so nauseated. I had to take some gravol during the day.
I realized that my body depended on it when a week later, I ran out of gravol and the next day I was so incredibly nauseated! It was like I had rode the zipper all day and was ready to throw up. A gravol pill did eventually take that away, but it was crazy to think that my body was going through withdrawls :(
So this week I've been weaning myself half a tab at a time, pondering how easy we pop pills for quick fixes. I hope this experience will have me think twice before popping pills in the future.

Does anyone else have stories like this? Any thoughts?

child training 101-huh?

I've totally lost my edge. Mostly my confidence as a parent. When the bottom of your world falls out, and there's a season of doubt, you pretty much doubt everything....and today, my parenting.

For those that know me and our family, know that we have this beautiful charming, blonde, petite, blow-away-in-the-wind, delicate, little girl. Her name is Elishah. She is our fifth child who is a dearing 3 and a half years old. She came to us in a strange time...three months after our 1st born died suddenly of pneumonia. We were in a state of chaos and grief. Our basement was being renovated, the financial stress was at it's peak, as well as our marriage was in it's last moments before it nearly completely dissolved. Working through grief, renos and a new baby was beyond our limits. And to make things more complicated, we decided to take on leading a lifegroup (which looking back was the death of us) I was off kilter, Joe was basically there only in body, but nothin else, and here was this little precious gift given to us in such a time. Child training was attempted, but wasn't met by two parents that were on the same team.


Fast forward one year to when our family almost hit the dust. Elishah was 1 and a half then. The time she needed us the most. Mom was a literal train wreck, Joe was trying with everything to repair the damage, focusing most of his attention on mom, and the kids were left to God. I thank God for how he took care of them in that first year. I know he assigned many angels to our kids.

As the dust has settled, we've grown more and more to see that this little "cute/princess?" girl is turning into a monster! She has started saying things like, "I hate you! You're mean! I don't like you! Don't touch me!" Followed with whining out the yinyang and serious "terrible two" attitude. Something that I've only read about in books. Whenever I've read about parents that have monsters like that, I've thanked God that he's taught me about child training and that i would NEVER have a child LIKE THAT!.......apparently.....I do.......

So, after a long, long......looooong series of events of attitude, backtalk, hitting the air, slamming doors (yes...she's even gone to a room and slammed the door on us)......Joe and I totally tagged teamed her in a silly battle that we thought we could handle......

"Please pick up the 3 pieces of dry cereal you just spilled on the carpet and put it into the bowl"
Seemed simple enough........
I thought wrong......
Joe and I won!!!! It completely RIPPED my heart out spanking her, but in the end (20 minutes or so) she finally willfully, cheerfully, respectfully, obediently, put the dang cereal in the bowl!!! YA US!

She's been happy as a clam ever since. Telling how much she loves us and you can actually tell that something rebellious has been lifted off of her. It brings back far and distant memories of when I've trained my other 3 children and actually enjoyed shaping their character and giving them happiness.
Now............I hope that God can give me the strength to keep going and give her what she so desperately needs......consistency, training, and lots of love to back it up!

So it's official

I'm officially a Twilight fan.....
As of late, I've become team Jacob :P

Man, could I do anything in moderation?! I watched the first one last Sunday, new moon 4 days later, and thank you to my BFLF Morgan, she treated me to Eclipse on the big screen!!! OMG!
I cried, bit my fist (mostly when Jacob had his shirt off) laughed and held my breath.....I can't wait for the next one which is in a million years from now :(

My first tattoo

I never thought that the word Chosen would mean so much to me. Being that it's the very first word that I wanted on my body permanently says that it means a ton. I've been reading a book called "Captivating" that is exactly what my spirit and heart need in this time. There are 3 words in total that I will put on my body, Chosen being the first. The other two are "Cherished" and "Treasured"

To a woman, these are deep deep longings inside, that were put there by God himself. He created us to desire them. To be the beauty in a love story. To be chosen, to be cherished, and to be treasured. I am learning to embrace this part of me, by allowing my God to heal these very damaged, very wounded places. I think that one of the greatest goal's the enemy has on a woman is to directly damage these 3 parts of her heart.

I love looking down to physically see that reminder. That I am chosen. I am chosen by the creator of the universe, before the creation of all the world, He chose me. To be His daughter, His bride, to treasure and cherish me, forever. The vows that God made to me can never be broken, stolen, damaged, and will never change. He stays true to that promise.

If you look close, you will see a nail going through the "h" To remind me that He made the ultimate display of love anyone could ever make. By taking nails through His hands and feet, by literally giving His life to be with me.....a romantic, yet gory love story that I, me, Sarah, get to be the center of!!

As long as I can remember, I've tried to have a human man take that place in my life. I thought that if a man chose me, I would be satisfied. The only problem with that is that there is no human man that can do that perfectly. Whether it's a ranchy boyfriend or your husband that loves God and is faithful to you, no man can take that place in a woman's heart that longs to be chosen, treasured and cherished.

But there is a twist to all of this. God designed a man and wife to "play" the roles of who He is with us. He created a man and wife to display the dance, romance and love of Him and His beloved. So when the foundations are correct and in the right order, you have an amazingly powerful couple that experience true love the way God intended. I see now that as Joe fights for me and walks in that, he brings healing to me. As I embrace that I am chosen by GOD himself, there's a beauty that arises inside and protective walls will come down.

And as an ending note....I can't wait for my next tattoo!! :P:P:P:P

Highlights of Isaiah's 9th birthday party

What is a trip to the pool without their famous fries and watered down ketchup?!


Isaiah wanted a Build-a-Bear cake....whatdya think? Wish I had more choices with icing colors. I ran out of colors.



The gang



Isaiah's money that she used to buy her very first hamster. She names him the same name of my childhood hamster, Toby.
Klaudia chowin down on Cheetos

Noah surrounded by girls....but he's used to it
Beautiful girlies

On the way home, a car full of hyper girls and Noah, just plain sick of it :P

From heroin to methadone

They say that heroin is one of the hardest drugs to come off of. It's highly addictive with severe withdrawl symptoms. Withdraws can look like: nasty nausea, extreme vomiting, major diarrhea, wicked chills, runny nose, intense sweating, tears, really bad aches and pains in the muscles and extreme restlessness. So to take someone off of heroin without putting them through h e l l and back, doctors will actually ween the heroin addict slowly off and at the same time give them a similar drug called methadone. It helps with all those symptoms...

With all that said, My blog is now my replacement for my long lost friend-facebook. With the constant need to update what I'm doing and hear what others are doing. So I guess for the time being, my blog is my methadone. I have to relieve my "restlessness" aka-status updates in the form of useless random facts about my boring life LOL....sad isn't it?

But t'is what it is....so here are my facts for the day :P:P

-I have air conditioning!!!! Like real central air that comes out of your vents! The kind where you stand in your kitchen and have freezing cold air blow on your toes to the point where you have to wear slippers in the middle of summer!

-I am officially TATTOOED! I got my first tattoo yesterday and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! it's the word "Chosen" I will post pics of it soon :D And it is true what they say, as soon as you get your first one, you are already thinking of what to get next!!! Oh my....what have I started???!! :D:D and as a side note...I LOVE THIS BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!!

-Our plumbing is redicoulsy screwed up and I'm very nervous to get the bill when they are all done figuring out what the h e l l is wrong with it.
1. Our upstairs tub and toilet to not drain/flush.
2. we removed the toilet from downstairs and sink to replace lino and found a crapload of DIRT under the toilet!!! DIRT!?
3. there has been rank smells coming from our drains for like 2 to 3 years now
4. we found that under our tub....NEW TUB downstairs was a TON of stale gross water! where did that come from?
5. we've had coffee grinds come out of our laundry room drain

My kids DISSECTED a frog today! Like cut him open, took his guts out, cut off it's head, legs, found all it's innerads and then threw it out.....EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I may be getting a job at fitness focus.... There is a guy there that has already set it up for me, to be mentored, already told his boss about me....so maybe the shaw center won't be happening just yet :D:D:D:D

Thanks for sharing in my useless facts. The methadone is working in times of severe withdrawals :P

My opinion on the Mel Gibson rant

So apparently there was a tape released by his 39 year old new girlfriend of Mel ranting, swearing, calling her names etc.... Being the curious person that I am, I had to hear it for myself. I have to admit, I think that tape was disgusting....and I'm not disgusted with Mel. The media is slamming him, saying that his career is over and that he's a new level of crazy. Of course, Mel's had his share of life struggles. Addiction mostly. It's human nature to take sides, and it's dumb for me to even think I could see this relationship in it's fullness, but there's a big part of me that's really @#!*% off at HER!

She set him up! It's so obvious that she preplanned that whole recording. And of course, the person with the least amount of self control gets slammed. He's raging mad, because he's hurt. I was able to hear his heart's cry in all the swearing and yelling. He just wants to be loved, for him, not for his money. This Oksana chick is known for being a gold digger. She's done it twice before in two other marriages.

Of course, Mel is reaping what he is sowing. He tried for 29 years to make his marriage work. He wasn't perfect. I'm sure that Robyn (his ex) went through alot with all of Mel's issues. But he's just another man, with a big hole in his heart for unconditional love. And listening to those tapes, there wasn't a single BREATH of compassion/love/support from Oksana. She gives two @#!*% about him. The fact that she put all this on the web???? What kind of a woman does that to her man? Someone after money I'd say.

After going through a separation myself, I see things differently. If I would have heard that tape before Joe left, I would have been all against Mel.....not so now. He's wounded. He's going for healing in all the wrong places and I believe he knows this. I think he knows his mistakes. I think that he loved Robyn, very very much. I believe he wanted to be a good dad and husband, but he gave up hope on himself and felt guilty for all the crap he pulled on the ones he loved. I believe that he tried starting over, and she conned him into thinking that she really loved him, which in fact, the truth comes out now that she's in it for his money. He sees this and is very hurt.

With all that said.....there are always two sides to the story. I'm not saying that she's all at fault, and he's a victim or she's a victim......I'm just saying that it's easy to attack the raging one. And once you listen to that actual recording, you can hear the coldness in her voice. He even says to her "you have no soul...you have NO soul!!" At least he HAS feelings!
If you want to hear a clip of it, you can click here. WARNING....it's not for young ears. lots of swearing and insulting.....

Living without facebook status updates

Since I can't tell the world what I'm doing every two seconds, and since I know they care SO much, and since everyone is waiting on pins and needles to hear "what's on my mind".......
I'll have to release some of this on my blog....sigh....human nature is so interesting......

-I ran home from the church today, and I have one sore hip flexor and one sore ankle. It sucks when I can't run without pain.
-on the bright side, I came home and ate sushi and an asian salad...totally addicted to those premade salads with pinapples, almonds etc. It's only 150 cals per serving (plus tuna of course!)
-We need a sitter for lifegroup tonight! So if you are reading this and wanna come wrangle our rugrats for 2.5 hours, give us a call!

on a more deeper level:
-Something clicked yesterday for me. Realizing that I totally define myself by outward circumstances, people and things. When in fact, my core worth in internal......(im sure this is a no brainer for most people and so many people have been saying this to me for so long, but i just needed to be ready to hear it)
-have hope again for the first time in a while for myself.
-am learning to value myself
-am learning that I am a person separate from all other things and people.
-learning that it really wasn't my fault, and starting to let that actually sink in
-wanting more and more to be free......and i want it for me, and not someone else.

My life in point form

I love these kind of posts. they are easy, to the point and it will relieve some of the withdrawls I'm having being without facebook :)

-We picked the paint for downstairs. Our 3 year old basement is getting renovated!
-Since we went color happy/crazy when we first bought the house, we are toning it down with some normal colors :)
-Taupe in our bedroom/dark chocolate trim.
-Noah's room almost got moved upstairs, but we quickly decided to keep him in his room.
-His room will also be taupe. He's a big boy now, time to move away from green apple and sky blue.
-our bathroom is getting a new tile looking multi colored gray....YES, I said gray lino.
-our bathroom floor will be complimented with a nice greenish gray.
-I GET AN ACTUAL TOILET PAPER ROLL! i WON'T HAVE TO PUT THE ROLL ON THE FLOOR, ON THE SIDE OF THE TUB ANYMORE! (Big highlight!)
-We've decided to use the opportunity and paint our kitchen cupboards downstairs before the carpet is laid. A deep dark bitter chocolate is the color.
-Our front window is getting replaced due to the massive amounts of water that comes into our living room everytime it rains.
-And the office is finally going to be turned into an actual office and not a junk room.

Now for the Waldherr's to pull all of the above off will be a miracle. And when and if we do.....don't call us for at least 6 months, cause we will be resting :P

CANADA DAY!

Getting ready! Apparently, tattoos can go anywhere
Faithfulness, tattoos done
Man! Tattoos do not come off easy, fun to put on tho!

On the drive there
Leave it to mom to go all out
Nin and Sarah little clones
That actually looks like I'm pushing Caleb's wheelchair :(
Joseph, made in Canada
My dad and his astro rockets :D
Can there be a family gathering without Timmy's coffee? nah
Me and my Sheesha
Nin has a dove like light on her head!
Family!

This was my raincape when I was little! My parents bought it when "galaxyland" was "fantasy land" in the West Edmonton Mall.
I love my Camille!

Team Moore
My cuz and his rockin girlfriend Carrie
More family!
Nothin like grandma cuddles
Team BOY Moore
Me daddy
Peek!

Watchin the fireworks
Elishah a bit scared...