Renovations

4 Kids, many blessings. My kids are like gold. Some parts of my kids are trials turned to gold. God has an amazing way of using our children to shape and grow our character. Of course by God using our own children, it can be very painful....It gives us a small glimpse of something very profound and intense.
For God so loved us that He gave His ONE AND ONLY SON.
We hear this verse and can quote it backwards, but it's a verse with much weight! When God brings trials to me through my kids, this truth in the word becomes soooo much more to me! To love is to risk. That's why humans close up, get hardened, and go numb. To love means to hurt, to put others before yourself. But without love, there's no life. So what do we choose? Caleb is one that I am still walking this out. This is very personal and I am bearing the deepest of feelings. I desire to walk out where God is calling me, and being that you are my family, I want to walk this walk with you. I haven't shared any of this with many people because I think you will not understand. It's a fear of being judged, and a pride of being vulnerable. So please, prayerfully comment if you feel led and be sensitive to my pouring out...

I will only speak of my walk with Caleb. I know where Joe is at, but it is not for me to talk about his walk. To summarize Caleb's last 8 years: First there was shock, and mostly denial. The first 3 years was living life like a movie. Until it started to really sink in what our future meant. A wheelchair, our backs may be permanently damaged from the lifting, a big van with a lift, ceiling tracks, our whole life would look different than the "normal life" we would not be normal. we wouldn't be able to just go to the beach for the day, no where that's no wheelchair accesible, we couldn't just go to anyone's house for supper, what about stairs....Than there's Caleb himself: He would never taste any food, he has to get suctioned all the time, he would need endless surgeries, scoliosis, hip replacements, feeding tube maintence, the endless meds for seizures, the side effects from the drugs, never being able to run with his siblings, sores from the wheelchair, feeling left out....the list goes on and on...

Was I prepared for this life? Could I give Caleb what he deserved? Struggling with depression at the time, when he was 3, he caught pnemonia, and I kept him home. I didn't take him to the hospital for any treatment. His fever was at 105 for 2 days and he could barely breathe! When I finally took him in, his oxygen was only at 78%! The doc was willing to sign the death certificate...It was a cross roads. I had to make a choice. to embrace my cup, or play god. We put him on antibiotics and Caleb recovered well. He hasn't had a lung infection since then! His lungs weren't even scared or damaged.

A year later, I watched the movie, Lorenzo's oil. A true story of a boy that became disabled and his parents found a cure. At the end of the movie, Lorenzo knew EVERYTHING that was going on the whole time, even while he lost all his functions. At the end of the movie, I bawled and bawled! God had softened my heart towards Caleb. I realized that I had held my feelings of love back from Caleb because it was too painful. I began to pour myself into him more and more. But then Caleb had more surgeries, and more problems. We lost our homecare nursing due to cutbacks and it started to get tough again. Since then, I have again pulled away from my son in order to save myself from pain. Isaiah was born and it was hard to watch my healthy children grow past him. It's hard to listen to their questions about him. What do I tell them when they ask, "did God forget about him? Will he ever walk? Can Caleb hear us? Why is he like this?..." This may sound like a total pity party, and it may be just that. I am where I am with it all, and I am just being honest. I desire to go where God would have me go with Caleb. I hear him speaking to me to open my heart again. Please pray for me...and for Joe.

This actually ties into my little girl, Isaiah. Joe and I have noticed that her hearing may not be normal. She has trouble making out what we say, and alot of times, will not respond to us at all. Joe and I feel like we have "paid our price" with Caleb. And in some ways "expect" for our other kids to be good and healthy. God is already breaking these thoughts and wrong attitudes off of us. We were at my parents last night with Ninette and Chris for father's day and we prayed for
her healing. But for me, it wasn't about praying for her healing. I knew that God was using this to do a renovation in my heart. I don't know all what he wants to do, but I know that it's about giving all my kids to him....(even the healthy ones) and to go to a deeper level of trust with him. I feel that these two situations are directly related, but it's not all revealed yet. I believe that God will give guidance as Joe and I seek as how he wants to use this. I just want to be willing, open and humble. I have a feeling this is going to be a hard and stretching road....but as I declare in my profile....BRING IT ON!!

I guess He is....

Thanks for listening to my heart. Love you all.