Food to spare

I was inspired to write this by my sis's blog on "be alert and self-controlled"

The word says that if you love sleep you will grow poor, stay awake and you will have food to spare. I have loved sleeping in ever since I was a teenager. Never grew out of it. Every chance I get I will try to sleep in. You would think that having 4 kids wouldn't support that very easily!! During the summer my kids and I go to bed late enough that they all sleep in! I am lucky that way. My kids sleep in till sometimes 9:30!! I've been having to go and get isaiah up at 10:00am cause she's still sleeping! (During the school year, it's not like this.)
It's so krazy how at night I can be so gung-ho about the next day and then in the morning, sleeping in doesn't matter. Before bed I have the whole day planned according to getting up at a certain time. I want to have most of my chores done so that the kids and I can do fun stuff, go to the park, play outside and so on. But then in the morning, it never makes sense to me why I would get up! It's like I'm in a trance. Sleep takes first priority and I'll sleep till the kids wake me up. Well, by the time I shower, make breakfast and actually start my chores, it's like noon! And spending a few weeks like this and you start to feel a bit depressed. God created us to be productive. It is a God given drive in us to accomplish our goals. We are wired by God with a concience to carry out our commitments. And when we fail day after day after day, we become weary. Like it says in proverbs...we grow poor....
It's very rare that I ever regret getting up early and being productive! It's refreshing to be alert, and ready for the day. I always seem to have "food to spare" throughout the day! More energy, more time and less work (cause I'm getting it done) I've come along way in this, but old habits die hard.

This summer I am commiting to getting up at 8:00am for now (maybe earlier later on) This is an obedience thing for me. I know God will honor it and be able to work in my life this way. So, once again, I will see you all everyday at 8:00am!!! You are more than free to confront me if I'm not posting at 8:00am or shorty after....The accountability is good for me.

Love you, family!!:):):)

Are you someone's Holy Spirit?

"trust and obey, there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus....than to trust and obey" A hymn I remember as a child. It sums up our walk in simple terms.

My husband, firestarter, is an amazing man! His heart is full of passion and a desire for righteousness. He loves his family and cherishes us. He is an amazing daddy! always offering a safe place for the kids to rest their heads, lend an ear, come for a tickle or have a bubble bath. He desires to be a light in his workplace, praying for his customers, more vision and seeks to be a servant. He is gentle, humble and I always feel safe with him.

Does anyone relate to the desire to control? I have always tried to control Joe since the beginning. At first it was very very unhealthy. As the years go by I am coming more and more under the covering and protection of the God given head of our home. It is a process, just as anything. But this control thing wants to hang on like no man's business! When the men stood for divine order, when they declared for becoming REAL MEN....I was just broken with repentance for wanting control. I always think that if I don't tell Joe something that I see, he'll just never know. I figure if I don't tell him everything, he just won't learn! I know that this is all a bunch of hog wash, but my flesh isn't giving up this control very easily. The Sunday that the men so powerfully and humbly stood for us, I was overwhelmed to be rid of this stupid control thing once and for all. It's a daily walk. But God is merciful and faithful. There is only one place where there is peace....."to be happy in Jesus" and that is to trust and obey. The flowerlady summed it up good in her post, "Not Forgotten" If He can measure the span of the oceans, then surely is working in the lives of the ones we love. We don't need to waste so much valuable time trying to change others. Don't you think we have enough to work on???

Walking with God really can be a picnic in the park in some ways because the battle is not ours to fight! He's the one that changes people, He even puts the good we have in us...so then why is being a disciple such a hard road?.......Why does it seems so complicated? The light of Jesus will push back the cloudiness of the confusion....for the walk is actually simple. Just die......
What a bitter-sweet thing to say! For all of us that know what it's like to taste both the bitter and the sweet, know exactly what I'm saying! It's the two extreme end of the scale. The bitter flames of the firey furnace at the time of being there is the WORST POSSIBLE PLACE IN THE WORLD! you think that everyone has it better off than you! But coming out the other side......man, the sweet smell of freedom, the feeling of walking free without the balls and the chains.....Then you know what James was talking about when he said, "consider it PURE JOY when you face trials of many kinds"!!!!

After I so passionately declared enough is enough with my controlling, I have been tested and tested. I tried, this week telling Joe some things that he's "missing" (just incase he didn't catch it) OOPS...... AND THAT'S OKAY! The enemy would have me believe that I'm failing, that I'm not learning a flippin thing, that I'll never get this, that I lied to the whole body when I prayed repentance....Nope, not gonna listen this time...not ever!!!! I am walking a road of death and freedom all at the same time. The eternal glory far outweighs it all!!!

I will leave those I care about in the hands of Jesus. For I think he could probably do a better job than me! My prayers can move moutains....not my hands.....

Living by faith too

I need to take a moment to give God glory for turning trials to gold. The fire is not a fun place to be, it gets REALLY HOT and to stay there takes courage, humility and trust. I have been seeing so much growth in her and I just have to tell all of you how good God is! She is on a rocky road, a road marked with suffering and she is choosing to say 'blessed be your name!" The light at the end of her tunnel is SO BRIGHT! I don't know for sure if she can see it as bright as others can right now, but she knows God's way is the only way to take her there! She is learning to embrace the life God has given her. A brother always used to encourage me when I was in the fire, he would get all excited for me and say I was in the best place I could be......I thought he was nuts (and I would get annoyed that he would be happy for me when I was getting torched). After coming out more refined, and with greater freedom and joy, I would understand that he forsaw those things. Now I see those things for Ranya! Do not be weary in doing good, forget what was behind and press towards the prize in Christ! Stand firm in the truth....for you are a beautiful butterfly.....

I am blessed to call you sister and friend.....

HE TURNS ALL THINGS TO GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE HIM
That speaks worlds to the awesome character of our God!!!! That is the God I choose to serve today!

My devotion musings

Reading of the tower of Babel. It's the first time that I have ever read that God destroys unity....Why did He do that? "God opposes the proud" To me that speaks to us as a body to stay humble when we seek his face. God delights in the oneness of humble unity, but will scatter those that are prideful and arrogant, even if they are gathered in the name of the Lord.

It never ceases to amaze me how Noah's prayer for his sons came to fulfillment for hundreds of generations to come. The curse put on Ham was fulfilled, all of God's children destroyed and conquered his lands and peoples. Shem's blessing from his father went on throughout the history of the OT. It really speaks to fathers that desire to bless their kids. (and mom's too) The power of a praying parent. I never want to curse my kids willingly or unwillingly.

here

up... Had to put Caleb on the bus, before post....

God's mind boggling creations!

Hi, my name is Sarah and I'm a storm addict....

The first step to recovery is knowing you have a problem then recognize that there is a "higher power greater than yourself that can restore you to sanity....heaven knows that sitting on a rooftop while it's hailing is not normal. When you're the only living being standing in the middle of the street in a down pour trying not to get blown away, you know you may be a little weird. It doesn't matter the hour, the day, or what's going on around me...if there's a storm outside, I'm there! I kinda laughed at myself last night because I woke myself up right in time for the approaching storm. As it's quoted in "twister", I can be a human barometer. As long as I can remember, I have been a storm chaser. I was that little girl who would always get in trouble for looking out my window for hours staring at the lightning. My dad passed on this passion, as he would take me outside every storm and we would count the distance from light to sound. I am very proud to say that my kids are out with me every chance I can get.

My kids have certain terms for God showing off. Lightning is God's very own fireworks, followed by a drum solo. He gives us "showers" through the rain when He feels we need a "spiritual bath". White fluffy flakes of snow is to remind us of his forgiveness, and northern lights are the angels dancing over us. His wonders are truly amazing. I could never understand when there's a beautiful rainbow in the sky, people just carry on driving without giving it a second look, while I almost run my van off the road, I can't take my eyes off it!

God and me always have great talks when He's in the middle of showing off. I feel like I learn lots about him and what he's thinking when he's "expressing Himself" Two nights ago was a restlessness. Action all around. I didn't know where to look. The lightning never ceased and it came from all directions. I felt like it was a symbol that he's very busy right now, moving in all parts, getting ready for something. Getting in people's business and fixing it all up. We shall see...

I'll never never forget a storm on the year that the gay marriages were being officially voted on. I've seen many storms in my life and allot of them are routine. Spectacular, but routine. You watch the lightning approach sitting on a roof, then it starts to rain, then maybe hail, maybe a good crack or two....the lightning is usually sheet and every now and then you will see some good forks going in all directions. and if your really lucky, you'll get those real good ones that strike the ground and burn holes in your eyes. You close your eyes and the bolt is still there. But this one storm, on the night of the voting....not a breath of wind....not a drop of rain....and every bolt of lightning was a huge fork hitting the ground! It was the eeriest thing to see every strike to the ground with no rain and no wind. This "judgement storm" as I saw it, passed over this city setting many fires. The next day in the news, there was 3 or 4 houses lit on fire. Fields out of town were lit. I'll never forget the feeling in the air. God was angry. And that night I stayed up praying for our city and country.

I love God's creations. God you are so unique, creative, and all powerful. May we grow to fear and respect you in this season of change and deep growth.

k, I'm up, I'm up

It's so hard to get out of bed! I was stupidly retarded yesterday....I decided to weed my garden with no sunscreen, in the mid day when it was like 30 degrees!!! Well, my back is fire engine red and I got a bit of heat stroke. When I read my sister's post on change, I told her that I can relate. Cause in the summer, I love changing my skin color! It's so fun to be brown, or red, or freckled.....sheesh, i'll be the first one to be all wrinkled. I never wear sunscreen. I haven't for years! Baby oil cooks my skin way better! I'll be the first one to admit how bad it is for you, but I still love doing it. I love going into the house after a hot day in the sun and seeing a different contrast. anyway, my brain really isn't working right yet. It's early, and I'm groggy.

Please pray for us if you think of us. We are STILL sick! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I woke up 2 days ago, with a freshly plugged nose and a sore throat! This is like the 3rd month of all this crap.

yeah yeah....

Well, I finally went to bed at 2:30 when I figured the storm may be done. I'm up....and feel hung over....:$ Write more later, when my brain is working.

Extreme krazy stormchaser

Does being up at 1 am count?? watching some awsome forks of lightning...gotta go, missing them....I guess I will still see you at 7 am.....

Laziness

A very old and destructive pattern has been a part of my life for many many years. Those that know me well, know of the painful history of this struggle. Fueled by depression, bad habits and lies that tell me I'm going no where in life, I have a hard time pressing forward sometimes.
A tiny bit of history: When my mom was a girl, she never got to play (had to haul water, chop wood) that sort of thing. When she had kids, she swore that when she had kids, they would NEVER work. So when I turned 12 or so, my parents decided it was time to give me chores. What the heck is a chore!? At that stage, it was quite the fight to get me to do any sort of work. I would come home from high school to find my bed freshly made and even powdered. My make up was all cleaned up and dresser and mirror windexed. The next few years were spent skipping school, drinking, druging and avoiding all responsibility all together. I figured since I was failing everything anyway, I might as well quit school. (smooth move EX LAX!) Besides, that would leave the whole day to party! Then came drug rehab, a few relapses in there, the 12 step program, and then came Joe. Joe and I were married and with child in 16 months after our first date. NOW WHAT?!
Strife was the main brain of our house until I was pregnant with Noah. I knew that I had better smarten up or I'm going to have seriously screwed up kids! It seems my pregnancies have growth fertilizer in them, cause everytime I have a baby, some big change happens in me....hey!! I have an idea! I'll just keep having kids, so I can be a better person! (just kidding...dad don't have a heartattack!) During my pregnancy, I was able to keep my house clean for an entire month! Now that was call to celebrate! The pendulum swung way to the point of "NEAT FREAK!" Okay, now, find your balance....After Isaiah, I spent so much time with them, I neglected my house. What started out as a healthy thought, the bar swang too far the other way! I wanted to be with my kids, to have fun and not worry that my tub wasn't shining everyday! My house got messy again. Well, After a few years, knowing that we were called to homeschool, I had some organizing of my life to do. Life had become chaos again, without the fighting of the beginning. But none the less, life was a mess. As I was plugging along, making new routines and habits, guess what??? Were having another baby! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

yeah, so, now we really have to kick into high gear! Noah starts kindergarten next year and baby will be born in 8 months! God is faithful. He faithfully brought us through the things we needed to learn and do before our baby came.....hence why we called her faith! All though out this journey, there has been one common lie trying to defeat us. "you nothing! you will always be nothing, you are still that lazy, irresponsible druggie girl that will never go anywhere." It's been quite a battle to stand against these retarded lies. Usually fought with, "I know the plans I have for you..." The lie comes and goes depending how vulnerable I am and if I have my armor on. As time goes on, I find more and more victory in this area. I walk closer to the divine order that God intended for my family. Regardless of my past, the choice is still mine. I don't want to "use" my past as a crutch, I was just letting you get to know me a bit and where I come from.

When faith came, I obviously needed more rest. Middle of the night feedings were for sure exahusting and getting up with the rest of my kids during the day. They adjusted to "mom is napping now....shhhhh!" and Noah learned to serve his little sister cereal. There is no laziness in this equation whatsoever. But after 6 weeks, faith started sleeping through the night and routine started to come back. Homeschool started up again, and life goes on....Well, it's been hard for me to really get back to walking towards self discipline. I mean, really pressing forward. I have been sleeping past my alarm, and Caleb's been missing school once a week. Joe and I have made a comittment to getting up at 7:00am every morning. Some of you may be thinking," that's nothing! I get up at 6!!!" Well, to me it is...I love my sleep. And I want to grow in this area of getting up on time. Once Caleb is done school, I won't "technically have to get up" But I still want to...all summer. Usually in the summers my whole family, kids and all stay up till 11:00pm and don't get up past 9:00am. (well joe would to go to work)

So, for the next month, I am going to write a short blog each morning between 7-7:30am to say I'm up and going. You have my permission to rag me out if I'm not on! SATURDAYS DON'T COUNT!
Bless you, my friends

Renovations

4 Kids, many blessings. My kids are like gold. Some parts of my kids are trials turned to gold. God has an amazing way of using our children to shape and grow our character. Of course by God using our own children, it can be very painful....It gives us a small glimpse of something very profound and intense.
For God so loved us that He gave His ONE AND ONLY SON.
We hear this verse and can quote it backwards, but it's a verse with much weight! When God brings trials to me through my kids, this truth in the word becomes soooo much more to me! To love is to risk. That's why humans close up, get hardened, and go numb. To love means to hurt, to put others before yourself. But without love, there's no life. So what do we choose? Caleb is one that I am still walking this out. This is very personal and I am bearing the deepest of feelings. I desire to walk out where God is calling me, and being that you are my family, I want to walk this walk with you. I haven't shared any of this with many people because I think you will not understand. It's a fear of being judged, and a pride of being vulnerable. So please, prayerfully comment if you feel led and be sensitive to my pouring out...

I will only speak of my walk with Caleb. I know where Joe is at, but it is not for me to talk about his walk. To summarize Caleb's last 8 years: First there was shock, and mostly denial. The first 3 years was living life like a movie. Until it started to really sink in what our future meant. A wheelchair, our backs may be permanently damaged from the lifting, a big van with a lift, ceiling tracks, our whole life would look different than the "normal life" we would not be normal. we wouldn't be able to just go to the beach for the day, no where that's no wheelchair accesible, we couldn't just go to anyone's house for supper, what about stairs....Than there's Caleb himself: He would never taste any food, he has to get suctioned all the time, he would need endless surgeries, scoliosis, hip replacements, feeding tube maintence, the endless meds for seizures, the side effects from the drugs, never being able to run with his siblings, sores from the wheelchair, feeling left out....the list goes on and on...

Was I prepared for this life? Could I give Caleb what he deserved? Struggling with depression at the time, when he was 3, he caught pnemonia, and I kept him home. I didn't take him to the hospital for any treatment. His fever was at 105 for 2 days and he could barely breathe! When I finally took him in, his oxygen was only at 78%! The doc was willing to sign the death certificate...It was a cross roads. I had to make a choice. to embrace my cup, or play god. We put him on antibiotics and Caleb recovered well. He hasn't had a lung infection since then! His lungs weren't even scared or damaged.

A year later, I watched the movie, Lorenzo's oil. A true story of a boy that became disabled and his parents found a cure. At the end of the movie, Lorenzo knew EVERYTHING that was going on the whole time, even while he lost all his functions. At the end of the movie, I bawled and bawled! God had softened my heart towards Caleb. I realized that I had held my feelings of love back from Caleb because it was too painful. I began to pour myself into him more and more. But then Caleb had more surgeries, and more problems. We lost our homecare nursing due to cutbacks and it started to get tough again. Since then, I have again pulled away from my son in order to save myself from pain. Isaiah was born and it was hard to watch my healthy children grow past him. It's hard to listen to their questions about him. What do I tell them when they ask, "did God forget about him? Will he ever walk? Can Caleb hear us? Why is he like this?..." This may sound like a total pity party, and it may be just that. I am where I am with it all, and I am just being honest. I desire to go where God would have me go with Caleb. I hear him speaking to me to open my heart again. Please pray for me...and for Joe.

This actually ties into my little girl, Isaiah. Joe and I have noticed that her hearing may not be normal. She has trouble making out what we say, and alot of times, will not respond to us at all. Joe and I feel like we have "paid our price" with Caleb. And in some ways "expect" for our other kids to be good and healthy. God is already breaking these thoughts and wrong attitudes off of us. We were at my parents last night with Ninette and Chris for father's day and we prayed for
her healing. But for me, it wasn't about praying for her healing. I knew that God was using this to do a renovation in my heart. I don't know all what he wants to do, but I know that it's about giving all my kids to him....(even the healthy ones) and to go to a deeper level of trust with him. I feel that these two situations are directly related, but it's not all revealed yet. I believe that God will give guidance as Joe and I seek as how he wants to use this. I just want to be willing, open and humble. I have a feeling this is going to be a hard and stretching road....but as I declare in my profile....BRING IT ON!!

I guess He is....

Thanks for listening to my heart. Love you all.

BOO

Fear.....

When I was a kid, I saw more horror movies than I can count. It was cool to "get scared", and to play "bloody mary" in the bathroom mirror at school. My grandpa (my mom's dad who died 6 years ago) used to go into the haunted houses at the fair and scare all the little kids and mom's. All the while thinking this was a hoot! He got kicked out of course! Most horror movies were filled with perverse sex and extreme occult content. When I got married, Joe and I had many huge fights about watching these flicks. Joe would say over and over, "it's glorifying the enemy, instilling fear, and spewing a bunch of lies!" I would say over and over, "it's just a movie, it's not real, it's just a movie!"
Well, up until only a year or two ago, I've had to sleep with a light on at night. I used to have violent, graphic nightmares. I used to dream of demons, blasphemy and death. When Joe and I would have big fights at the start of our marriage, I would be paralyzed in fear of the dark! I couldn't even move to run to a light switch. If Joe went out with friends at night, he would have to be home shortly after dark because I couldn't be left home for too long by myself. I could feel evil all around, tormenting me......I wonder why.......

Joe and I will have been married 9 years this fall. I have not seen a horror movie in about 6 years, and the nightmares and fear of the dark continued for many years after that. My dear husband was diligent in praying for my freedom in this area for many years. Until one day, they stopped!!! The lights go out at night and finally I have peace at night in the dark. Joe will come home to find me sleeping and at peace. (unless of course he wakes me up and I'm grumpy...)

Today I was playing with my little "faithfulness" (baby faith). I was saying , "BOO!" in a low sudden voice. She laughed at the first coule of times, until the 3rd time, she had this look of terror on her face, and then cried! I felt so bad! I picked her up and consolled her right away. I think this is a picture of how fear begins. The shock of it is kind of a thrill and arousing at first, and then you realize that the feeling that comes with it doesn't feel very nice anymore. At the beginning of our marriage, Joe would think it was SO fun to scare me. He would hide behind a door in the dark and jump out and yell. Well, that didn't last too long when one time, I screamed so loud, I could have shattered a window, punched him somewhere on his persons, then cried uncontrollably! He doesn't do that anymore....wise man!

Why would a parent think it's game to scare your child? Why do we put our children into haunted houses at the fair? Why would we tell ghost stories on halloween? To our highly desensitized heart, that spirit is going right through the parents! We are called to be the protectors and guardians of our kids.

We need God's infinite wisdom and humility to stay sharp and awake while raising our little ones. May we keep our eyes open at all times...watch and pray today as you are making those arrows!

Who is a twit?

Webster's definition of "twit": A foolishly annoying person. My definition: An insensitive person who thinks they know better than everyone else.

Why does the bible say that our tongue is the most dangerous weapon? Why does the whole book of James talk about our tongue? Why could our tongue cut like a sword? And why can't I get this!

We need the leash of the spirit on our tongue. It's only by God's grace and mercy that we are able to pick up the pieces of the damage of the tongue. It's like a twister, carrying debris, fatal winds and a storm all around it. Take everything to God in prayer. If I had done that, I woulnd't have reaked havok on my dear sister's life. I want to publicly confess that I have been walking on the leash of my tongue and not the other way around. If anyone hears me shootin it off, I give you permission to shoot me off! (well, a reminder would be nicer and less messy)
Dear sister, I am sorry.

So is this blog thing really worth doing?

I know that I'm new to the blog world, and I've seemed to have moved in and settled quite well. I didn't really see all the benifits to blogging until I started my own. I've heard of them for many many months, but didn't really put much thought into what having a blog really means.
If you blog with an honest heart and led by the spirit of God, this is what I've discovered blogging can do for the body....so far....

It breaks down pride:
At first I didn't want to start a blog cause *gasp* my friends and family would actually know how I'm doing....no more hiding. If you are honest in your blogs, you are transparent and open to correction and encouragement.

It keeps you accountable:
Because your family is reading all your happenings, you are challenged to grow and learn. It's totally like me to stay stagnant and comfortable. I find that having my own blog is like the journal that I've been wanting to keep for years now, but always had some exuse to put it off. But with a blog, there are other readers, which in some ways forces you to write new stuff. I remember thinking when I heard about Lani's blog after I had baby faith. I thought to myself, "sheesh, how does she have time to grow AND be a mom!" But if God is first in our lives, nothing stops the growth!

It sparks creativity:
Darcie S. is very big on "Our God is the God of creativity!" And this is the perfect place to let it all flow out! ( This is a step for me....I'm going to give myself a compliment...) but I didn't think I could write like this...(not like it's that great...) (followed by a putdown of course...LOL)

We all stay connected:
With life being so busy and rushed, it's a new way to have fun with our sisters and brothers! To keep in touch, encourage one another and share our hearts with eachother.

It's super duper fun!:
I didn't think blogging would be so darn fun! So come on the boat if you dare!

I've been book tagged

I've been tagged by the flowerlady!

Total books I've ever owned: Never really started reading till I got married and it's been a slow process to fall in love with reading. So I've counted them up, roughly around 500-600 including kids books too. It's increased alot since we started to homeschool. I bet before we started, we only had 100-200 or so.

Last book I bought: I'm in the process of a BIG order from no greater joy ministries I love their stuff. It's all on family, marriage, child training and bible study. It has really helped our family with common sense parenting and solid biblical teaching on husbands and wives. I'm so excited! Check out the site and read short articles on these topics!

Last book I read: Now that I have a new little one, I am re-reading "To Train Up a Child" by Michael and Debbie Pearl. It's a good reminder that it's never to early to train your children. And it's sharperning the edges that have gotten sloppy with the other 2 kids.

5 Books that meant alot to me: (other than the Word of course)

1. The one I'm reading now of course! It took away alot of confusion around "how to train" and shed light with the word. The fruit of it has made me enjoy them and I love to spend time with them. And all their other books on family, and marriage.

2. A surviors guide to homeschooling. It helped me to start getting my life in order. The author was real and honest. She was blunt and encouraging.

3. Bringing up boys by James Dobson. That was the first book I read all the way through! It was full of nuggets on understanding the craziness of boys, males, and how they work! James Dobson himself said that when he was a boy, he stuffed beans up his nose and was embarrased to tell anyone, so he left them there until they started growing sprouts.....LOL then of course, everyone saw what he had done!

4. The purpose driven life. Which I've only read half way through. But what a book that changes the way you see yourself! The truth in there is dead on! I should really finish that book!

5. Right brained children in a left brained world. I don't even think that my son has a left brain! (chuckle) In order to teach him right, I need to know how that boy is wired! And un-brainwash myself from the "left-brained system" Good book!

(I need to read for fun! I just can't seem to find the time. Whenever I have time, I have all these resaeching books to go through on school, parenting, personal devotions and so on....) I told Carol a couple years back that I was going to read all the LOTR's but only got 3/4 through the hobbit. Maybe someday...

I now tag Livin Forgivin, Living by faith 2, the wife of CWG, and lighthouse!

What is depression?

I recently went through a minor depression. About 2 weeks ago. I say minor because compared to other depressions in my life, this WAS minor. I used to have very bad depression, where I would be suicidal and violent. Sometimes it tries to come back and take a hold on me.
While I was talking to a friend about how I was feeling, she was encouraging me to find the root cause of it. "maybe there's a trigger, maybe it's this, maybe it's that...." When I really believe the answer is just a wrong focus. Looking at ourselves and not on Jesus. That's why He told us to fix our eyes. Our lives are pitiful and empty without the grace and power of God. When satan can get our eyes on ourselves, we start to put our circumstances, our struggles, our feelings above God. We don't mean to. But we are convinced that if we just keep looking for the "answer, the root" we will get better. But really what ends up happening is we get more and more confused...

After this revelation (given to me again) I DECIDED to fix my eyes in the rightful place and give the battle to Him, and it lifted! I repented to my husband for being such a *&^%$ (not a nice person) repented to my children for being selfish and putting myself above all else. The bible says that each man takes care of himself. We don't need to put any more effort to take care of ourselves. It's already part of our nature. God makes a strong point of us being humble, and that's probably cause we so easily exalt ourselves.
I choose to stand on the truth....today.

I want to be a servant

Well, Noah's birthday is over and i'll be happy to tell you that he successfully turned 6 today with no effort. However, the work and effort that Joe and I put into this ordeal was not less than extreme. We have spent 3 days preparing for the event which came and went and everyone said it was a "nice party" and "good food". We madly cleaned the house and yard only to have it messed up like nobody's business. Joe is so exhausted that he said he couldn't even talk about the issue of buying a trampoline. He said that was too heavy of a conversation.
My auntie Laurie is a wonderful host! When we go over to her house for a family gathering or a celebration, you feel totally relaxed. Not a worry in the world. You can put your feet up and enjoy the company and food. She is so willing to serve you drinks, get you a nursing blanket, let your children "go potty" in HER bathroom...all with a genuine smile to make you feel at home. She's relaxed so your relaxed. I desire to to have my company come over and feel that way. And I think we did that today. Everyone was at peace and left very satisfied. It's a process that I'm going through to become this way. There are so many times that I grumble when I know that we have company coming and I try and think of an exuse to cancel, simply because I don't want to serve. But by the grace of God and a willing heart, I will be a cheerful servant yet!

Today was fun, and it's okay that there's a mess for tomorrow. The kids and and I can whistle while we work...

Pride cometh before a fall

Well, I always tell those coffee drinkers to get off their drug of caffeine. And I just realized that I am in the exact same boat! I was over at my sister's drinking a cup of tea, when she cleared my cup thinking it was one of her old coffee cups.....yeah, my tea was as dark as coffee. We kinda laughed about it and I said, "yeah I guess I'm no better than you 'coffee drinkers'" But really, I did think I was better off.....
Until I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and still have one! For two days now, I haven't had my 3 or 4 cups of black tea and have realized, it's my drug too...
You know, it's so nice to enjoy a cup of coffee every now and then and really savour it. I used to do that with tea too. It's really not the same when you HAVE to drink it to get through the day. I heard somewhere that a vacation is never satisfying if your always going on one. I think God wants us to enjoy things in moderation so that we can enjoy the benifits.
Henry's definition of abuse (from his marriage class): To use something outside it's purpose.
I've definitly been abusing tea.
Terry's advice on judgement: Don't point any fingers, cause there will be 3 pointing back at you!!

Loving to Learn

Today, my sister and I went to the Western Development Museum with all the kids. As we went through all the little shops and houses, we were so excited to show the kids what life was like in the old days. The way they responded was probably the same way I responded when I was their age. Which was, "okay cool, can we go to the next one...okay this is neat, but can we move on...."
They couldn't appreciate that it took hours to churn butter, and there was no washing machine, no microwave. Ninette and I kept saying, "wow, look at that old phone! Look at that old stove, they had to chop wood!" "yeah yeah whatever, can we keep going please..."
Growing up, I lost my love for learning, by the time I hit highschool, I could care less about anything they were trying to teach me. After I got married, I never really cared to learn anything new either. I was quite comfortable with my "teenage vocabulary" which was like, you know, like cool, like.... Then, God called us to homeschool! What??!! Learn new things and actually be INTERESTED in it???
Over the years, God has restored my love for learning. The world God created is fascinating and needs to be rediscovered! A year ago, my mom and I went to the WDM and she walked me through every stop in boom town and explained everything! It was so cool! And we have it so easy!
God keep my mind sharp and open to learn new things, so that my kids can see the joy of discovering all you created!

The system of measurement

The System is everywhere...it's so ingrained in the world we live in. It's everywhere we look and in the way we live. It's part of our jobs, our marriages, in the way we parent and it seeps into our relationship with God....
Your probably wondering what the system is. The system is the way of the world, under the power of the darkness. The system can take many forms in many different ways. In essence...it's a bunch of lies.
The system that runs rampant that God is showing me is the one of measurment. It's so much of it in my life and God wants to root it out!

What does it look like?
Well a lot of you know that we are a homeschooling family. And many people don't know how it works, so we get alot of questions. People want to know how our children's education will be "measured" it seems to be the #1 concern, besides socialization of course. We get get questions like, "do you get given a curriculum to follow? Do they make sure that you are following the other system so that your children will be at the same level? Do your children get tested? How will they get into university without any measurement?"
Well, when we first started this year, I kept a good log of what we were doing, made sure that I was keeping good records, and made sure there was a paper trail for every step we took. So that if anyone were to pop the question, " What are you covering and are you making sure that your kids are getting what they need?" I would be able to open up my highly organized drawers with highly organized papers and show them highly organized work. So everyone would be satisfied......and so would I. It felt good to look at all the material that we were doing. It felt like I was really accomplishing something when I could look and SEE our work and progress.
In the system, everything must be measured. Everything is tested and drilled, and making sure that scores are in order. Even school teachers are tested! Kids spend countless hours doing work that they already have mastered. And some kids can master the "paper trail" and not understand a thing!
Since my 4th child has been born 3 months ago, our homeschool has changed dramatically. Instead of me and my kids sitting making our paper trails, I am on the couch nursing my baby, while my 6 and 4 year old throw sponge math dice in the living room practising thier math addition. Instead of us making posters for all to see, I am folding laundry while my other 2 kids and i are going over our colors in french.......BUT HOW DO YOU MEASURE THAT!!!?????
It's okay!! I know that they are learning, and I see them growing. I am starting to realize that I don't need to fight with my kids to "write stuff down" all the time. They can go outside and hopscotch thier way through skip counting and THAT'S OKAY!
Well, God showed me the other day that He does NOT measure us like we measure everything. He loves us...PERIOD! I don't wake up and look at my husband and say, "I have to make sure that I love you more today than I did yesterday!" I just love him. If I tried to strive to love him more so that i could have something to measure, I would lose the heart of just being with him. You can't measure relationships! You can't measure love! God tells us that we can't measure that! So what do we insist on giving into this lie?
I think because it's everywhere! It's hard to move away from this system because it's how the world works. How can we be in the world and not of it?
Simple....just be who you are, and rest in that.
God called me into his lap the other day, and I crawled up there reluctanly, because I knew I would have to explain myself. So I started yapping my head off...."but God I haven't done this and I'm not growing, and I'm still in this spot and I'm not further ahead then I should be...and and and...God said gently of course,

stop talking and just rest. just be with me, you don't always have to give the the "heads up" on WHERE you are at....i know where you are, it doesn't matter where you are at, what matters is that you are with me.