fun stuff

Well, lighthouse forever and I went cross country skiing on Monday.....
That was such a hoot!
We fell over a million times! I'm sure the next people to take the path we did, won't know where the path is! Did I ever laugh!!!! The first half of our trip we mostly just screamed and fell. And then on the way pack we laughed at the spots in the snow where we had fallen. Big bum marks in the snow...... I think lighthouse was thinking of writting a post on all the paralells in our spiritual walk compared to cross country skiing....so watch for that.

Meet the newest member of our family

Jack Waldherr.

Getting ready for christmas, the anticipation is rising.

Lots in my heart and head that Icould write about....no time.....
Caleb's in the tub....still sleeping.....need to go get him out.
Chicken in oven.....possibly burning......
I can hear Isaiah in the kitchen upstairs.....probably getting into to gingerbread candy (as it is we have to go out and buy more candy for the gbread house casue people keep eating the decorations!
someone's here!.....
gotta go

Forgive

Just so that you know right off the bat, this one sounds really "preachy"....But I'm totally preaching to myself!!!

Monday, I have full faith that my character was watered and grown. I am really coming to see that it's in the crunch that your choices matter the most.

I was hurt.....badly.....Over a long period of time, I was taken advantage of, betrayed, lied to, and violated. The time came for me to make a choice. In the very core of hurt, anger, resentment and intense feelings, I had to make a choice. It was a life or death situation.

Please hear my heart. IN THE MIDST OF PAIN AND SUFFERING.....I STILL HAD TO MAKE THAT CHOICE.....TO FORGIVE.

I kept asking myself, "have I forgiven this person?" "what does forgiveness look like?" How do I find life in abundance in the MIDST of this pain????"
HOW DO I DO THIS!!??? GOD HELP!!!!!

He is faithful to pour lavishly wisdom and understanding, grace and mercy to all the broken places. ONLY BY HIS GRACE, I was able to chose to forgive. For me, this was a real milstone in my walk. I want to rememeber this moment for future encouragement...cause I will get hurt again. I will have to walk in forgiveness I'm sure many more times in my life.

God taught me alot through this trial about forgiveness.

1. The number one reason that we need to forgive is that it is commanded of us. It's not an option, it is a MUST. Nowhere in the word is there talk about you licking your wounds first...and THEN forgive.
In Luke 17 Jesus says that if your brother sins against you 7 times in a day (that means over and over and over in our language) and if that brother repents 7 times, FORGIVE HIM! Laying down our rights, dying to our hurts. Be that dead body that if you get pricked with million needles, nothing hurts.

2. There are several places in the word of God that Jesus says that "if you do not forgive those that sin against you, then my Father in heaven will not forgive your sins". He even tells a whole parable on this in Matthew 18. The parable of the unmerciful servant.

God has forgiven SO MUCH CRAP from us. Not only all the crap that we are AWARE OF, but all the crap we are UNAWARE OF....which is proabably...if you are a human....pretty bad....
It doesn't stop there, Not only all the crap aware and unaware......but all the crap that we haven't even done yet!!!!
Chew on that thought for a second....
Think of all the scripture that talks about His faithfulness to forgive us.


"You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you" Ps 86:5

"He forgives all you sins and heals all your diseases. Who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion. Who satisfies your desires with good things sot hat your youth is renewed like the eagle's" Ps 103

"Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You don not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us, you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities in to the depth of the sea. " Micah 7:18-20

"As far as the east is from the west...(which a neverending gap)...that's how far, He has removed our transgressions from us."
"When we were overwhelmed with sin, you forgave our transgressions." Ps 65:3

They are endless. The whole bible has the unlying message of forgivness so that we may be reconciled to God.....

3.We need to forgive for our own good and for the good of the offender. The bible says that if we hold resentments and unforgiveness in our hearts, we are actually throwing that person in a prison cell. They are held captive until you let him go.
The word also says that holding on to bitterness and unforgiveness will make us sick and weak in our bones.

So after all that, do you still feel like holding on to unforgiveness?
Sometimes, all that truth still doesn't matter. The spirit was speaking to me all these freeing truths and I couldn't hear. I was sooo hurt!
That's how I felt on Monday. It was so hard to push all my hurt aside for a second. My hurt was so intense that I couldn't even see the truth of these scriptures. The mercy of God was clouded by my flesh. But I know God well enough to know that when He tells us to do something.....there is resurection on the other end. Obedience is always followed by peace. So by His power, I chose to verbally forgive and in prayer let this person go from my prison.
It still hurt. I thought that forgiveness meant that you no longer felt pain. But first is the action, then is followed by the fruit. I was waiting for the fruit before even planting the seed!

I also used to think that once you forgive, you never have to look at it again. It's done, over finished. But forgiveness is a moment by moment choice. I can chose right now to get all worked up about all those offenses again. I can easily take myself back to where I started from. And the next time that person crossed my path, I could easily put them back in my jail and hold them for abusing me.
But I want life for me and this person. So the next time "the accuser" comes to remind me of this person's past. I will take that thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I will rememeber all the Christ has done for my crap and walk in forgiveness.
I looked up in the dictionary a few months ago the word: CAPTIVE . I was curious of this verse. Sarah inturpreted goes like this,
"Every false thought, false claim, something not real, a joke must be taken captive, imprisoned, by force to MAKE it obey Christ."

I noticed that I didn't even mention the other person's reaction in this post at all. I've heard by others and certainly myself,
"Well, if the OTHER person is sorry for what they did, then,.....maybe......then.....I could forgive....."
"if the other person got down on their knees and actually cried or something, or SHOWED me that they were sorry.....like they have to PROVE it to me..... before I could even consider"
"I would have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that person would never do it again! Well, for pete's sake, it would even be stupid for me to forgive again, just so that I would get hurt again! That wouldn't even be wise! I have to protect myself".......

Well, what if I told you that this person did say sorry like a million times?
What if I told you that this person wept out of sorrow? Then you would think it would be easy then?
No it wasn't. There will be times when the person won't be sorry and other where they will...But that doesn't matter.... the choice is still with you.....deciding to put yourself aside and walk in forgiveness.....

Well, I'll probably be reading my own post the next time I'm all stuck licking my wounds again.
But for this time.....I am victorious by His grace!!!

Holy moment

Come boldly to the throneroom of grace!

I have to share this "Holy moment" with you!
I was on my way to my friend Morgan's to drop off something and God met me powerfully in my car. By the time I got there, I was a pile of goo. God's faithfulness, His forgiveness, is overwhelming at times. My spirit was able to grasp His deep love for me, and His desires for me. Those of you that read my blog know that I've had a bad week. I returned to Eygpt thinking I may be able to have my cake and eat it too. Thinking that I had the right and ability to lead my own life. It's been very very hard to pick myself up out of my mud pile! But I did, and WOW, I can't believe how God meets you right there, with an open hand. My sister wrote this a couple of days ago in my comment box:

"When Peter looked down at the water, Jesus did not respond with contempt. He looked Peter in the eye and gently asked, why did you doubt? He picked him up and gently placed him back in the boat, to rest and recover until he was ready for another round. You have not failed, you have only looked down. You don't get a big fat "F", you get a first hand personal lift from the Son of the living God, who will carry you to your next place of testing. It's not about your perfection, it's about your direction. Know where you're headed and claim it. Your testimony is bigger than you know, through the times of victory and joy, as well as through the times of struggle and muck."

God's knows that we will doubt sometimes, that we will fall. That's why while we were STILL sinners, HE DIED FOR US. We all fall short and always will. I think God is really getting through that it's not about perfection.....BUT DIRECTION!

LISTEN! THIS IS THE BEST PART!
I was on my home from my friend's, driving down circle drive heading west at around 4:15 or so. Now at that time of day, the sun was glaring BRIGHT in my eyes, right in front of me. All of a sudden something bursted out of my spirit!

It reminded me of when you have been driving for hours to get to another city, you usually get there at night and can see the lights of the city beaming in the sky! You are so excited that you're almost there, you can't wait to get there! You can't take your eyes off the city lights that are getting closer and closer!
You drive and drive for it seems like forever, but eventually, you get there!

As I was driving into the son (I mean sun)..., I was listening to "Holy moment" And I had the most beautiful picture of a spiritual truth. I am driving into the SON! All I could see was a little bit of road, through the rays of brightness. I thought about putting my visor down, but NO, I wanted to see Him! I'll never forget that moment. THe words "run, run, run through your gates oh God. With my hands held high and my heart bowed down, We come with a shout of LOVE WITH SHOUTS OF LOVE.......let this be a holy moment now"


Well, I shouted so loud I think I could have blown the glass off my car!
I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to be anything....JUST ME....and come......

His strentgh is made PERFECT in my weakness.
As I drove into the sun today, I want to keep that in my heart forever. That's where I'm headin! Into God's glory! Into His righteousness! Into His bright love for me! It's not out of my reach tho. I don't have to drive hours and hours to get there. If we drove around the world we would never actually get to the sun. Our God is there shining BRIGHTLY ON US whenever we are driving in the right direction. It's not about the destination, but about the journey, about RIGHT NOW. ABout making THIS moment a Holy moment!

I am overwhelmed people. What else can I say?

How can it be??

All I have to say is that I watched the concert of the Heart today. I heard myself give a powerful testimony of not giving up and persevering through. I saw a gracious and powerful God in me, declaring the I am a new creation and that He will complete the work He started. I watched the dance that me and my sis did to the song "Even If" by Zoegirl. Lyrics here. I watched the song that Lloanne, nin and Aline did. Bawled throught that too! I NEED ALL OF YOU! I NEED MY CHURCH FAMILY. without you, I would seriously die. I can't imagine walkin this road alone. I am so in awe of how much I need you and how God put me here in the midst of all of you. THANK YOU LORD! Those of you that read this and don't have a family----GET ONE! YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

I was so convicted, encouraged and relieved. I was refreshed renewed and amazed that it's really not about perfection. It's about direction. We all fall. We have all fallen short. We will always fall short.
But the good news of Jesus is that our debt is paid and He offers forgiveness and new mercy right NOW! He offers us grace to get up. Grace to repent. Grace to walk against the storm. These truths and everything else in the amazing living word of God NEEDS TO BE HIDDEN IN OUR HEARTS! It needs to be written there inside of us. When lies come, and they will, what are you going to do? Fight the spiritual battle around you with reason? With statistics? With exuses?

OUR ONLY WEAPON IS THE LIVING WORD OF GOD AND OUR RESPONSE TO THAT!

I choose to get up, brush the crusty mud off and walk as who I really am. A child of THE king. To face the mess I made and trust that God will help me clean it up.

It was just so weird to have myself preaching to myself.......(when I watched the video tape of the COTH)

What we have as kids of the king is a living hope that never spoils perishes or fades. The only way that can be stolen from you is if you believe a false claim. A lie, something NOT TRUE. I have the tools. I know the word and want to know it more. I know that nothing can steal my living hope if I choose to hold on to it.

As I've said before, time to keep on truckin' I'm not going to give up! By His grace I can DO THIS!

Help!

Well, I have pretty much fallen flat on my face this week! I am covered in muck, and even sulking in it. After you have chosen sin willfully, you get clouded, confused, and open to all kinds of enemy's attack. I really need prayer and encouragement. It's so crazy that last week looked like light to dark of this one.....(sigh)

God's word has been floating around my head today. I was talking to my sister about sin and repentance yesterday. Unless you know the grossness of your sin and the death it brings with NO EXCUSE, MINIMIZING, MAKING LIGHT OF..etc, you will never turn. You will never experience the Godly sorrow that leads to repentance and leaves no regret.

The other truth is that if you confess your sin, He is faithful to forgive and cleanse you from all unrighteousness. The pressure is on me now. I've revealed myself, my struggles to all my family. I've made declarations along the way and have lost 30 pounds. I really have thrown myself off the cliff into the arms of my father. But it last week what started with a slip, turned into another bad choice, then another. I am trying to climb up the side of the cliff hoping to sneek a peek at the land of Eygpt where I came from. The snowball effect of bad choices has landed me here and I need help. I know that spiritual family is there not to condemn but to build and lift up. Please pray that I can drop the chains that I myself have been trying to tie back to my feet and walk free. It's not a big process, it's just one choice followed by actions. Jesus died ONCE FOR ALL. I know the truth. I have no excuse. I feel sick to my stomach that it only takes choice after choice to return to your vomit.
I wrote a post about little by little, right choice after right choice gets you where you need to go. Same goes for the other way. I have believed the lie that I'm a failure and I might as well give up. I've believed the lie that "I've made it far enough, I don't have to go all the way...."

I need strength to get up....
I need His grace to face myself, and those around me.
I believe that God will get glory at the end of all this, maybe not right now, but soon.
I need faith that I can do this....to the end....no matter the cost.

signing off. I am hoping next post will be better. But I had to be honest. I have to stay honest. David said, against you and you alone have I sinned oh Lord.
That's where I am right now.
Shalom

Have to brag on my sis alittle bit......

You have to have to check out my sister's latest 3 posts. They are sooo good. One on family, one on seasons and the last one on mercy and grace.
Be encouraged, challenged and blessed!

I'm in a romance!!!

Tonight at transformations, the blogless one had an amazing revelation that greatly benefitted me! We were supposed to pray and ask God what lie we were believeing and what we needed to repent from. There was a guide for women, 3 things that women generally struggle with more than other things.
1. submission
2. romance
3. vanity
Well, I quickly ran through the list in my head and thought well, I'm not really any of those. I am in the process of renewing my mind as my body shape changes, but I know God is working on that one.....so I just kept praying.....
To my surprise, I am in desperate need to turn from romance!!!
Not in the way you are thinking. I am wholly devoted to my Joe with my mind body and spirit. But the kind of romance that the blogless one shared is one of EXPECTATIONS!
The romance of life. What I think in my head the way life should go. I picture in my head the way things should look. Here are a few examples:
-When I come home from coffee with a friend, I have in my brain that Joe should have at least done the dishes, read to the kids, brushed their teeth and so on.....
-We go swimming as a family and I have a picture in my head that we will have sooo much fun and that Joe is going to go down the slide a million times until they just can't take it anymore!
-It's our anniversary, and we just have moment after moment of meaningful, romantic, exciting conversation, planning our next year together and having some fun on the side (woo hoo!)
-Coming in the door and expecting all the shoes to be on the rack that I've so easily accessed for everyone
-Calling a friend 5 times and thinking that maybe this time it's THEIR turn to call ME back

What happens instead........
-come home from coffee, the house is a mess, the kids are running around super hyper, the dishes still on the table from supper, and Joe working on computers downstairs
-We go swimming as a familiy and Joe is so tired from the work week that he plants himself in the hotub and suggests that I take the kids on the waterslide.
-It's our anniversary and we are so tired from the hustle and bustle of life that we crash for the first day and the second day is spent trying to "make it good"
-Coming home, can't open the door.....shoes in the way.....have to kick my foot in sideways to open the door. Then after I GET in the door, there's 2 pairs of Joe's skiis...I mean, shoes (that takes up the whole entrance in itself) Boots, runners, and even coats on top of all the footwear!
-Realize that if I don't call that friend again, I may not talk to her.....

REALITY PEOPLE!
Someone said, "I no longer have any expectations of anyone anymore, not even my spouse or my kids!"
"well, isn't that UNHEALTHY?"
"doesn't that leave you open to abuse!?"
"who's going to hold them accountable??!"

Well, my fellow bloggers, Is God GOD or are you?
Cause I'm really getting weary here trying to keep control of all these people! I think it's time to let God do what he need to in these people. I really have realized that as long as I keep trying to be lord over life, It litterally holds these people in bondage!
How will Joe ever grow in character in serving his family if he's always trying to fulfill my romance???
How will my kids ever put their shoes away when they move out on their own when mom's wrath isn't there to force them???
How will we ever enjoy our anniversary's if I keep getting disappointed as soon as we get to the hotel??

Well, there you have it. I told Joe and he's quite excited to be free. (smirk) He told me that I will probably get tested in this!..........I know I will....... (groan)
But I am excited to see the fruit that will come from this act of obedience. I think it will be great peace and more than I can imagine for my family.....oh yeah, I'm supposed to stop trying to imagine!!! LOL

Reaping the fruit of righteousness and peace

Don't have time to blog much these days. Don't really have time right now....

Lots of stuff going through my spirit these days. God is faithful to continue on the good work. I've been spending alot more time with my kids in teaching them spiritual truths instead of academics. We've been spending time drawing out what the word is saying. In fact, right after I'm done this blog entry, we are off to paint Matthew chapter 7 on the wide and narrow gates. I am totally enjoying teaching them "the nuts and bolts" of christianity (as moose would say) It excites me to think that if they are learning this stuff at such an early age, just think of ALL they will posses as an adult!!!
I can see my character growing and changing by the power of the Holy spirit. I can't describe myself, becuase I don't really know who I am anymore! My old nature is truly dying and this new creation is kinda weird somtimes! I used to be up in the clouds for a day and then down in the dumps the day after. This steadyness is quite nice. I'm sure Joe appreciates it. I bet that the way I eat definitly has affected the physical changes in my mood swings. Being addicted to any substance causes serious physical cravings and withdrawls.
But not to take away from the spiritual changes!!!!!Just another addition to the reaping....

Joe continues to walk in leadership around here. He truly is amazing!
I have been called to a new and deeper level of commitment in my walk on SUnday. To step out and make disciples.....I am going to be discipling someone and that's been going through my head too. I am scared. But I know there is much to reap through this. To get rid of all fear is impossible, yet to replace unhealthy fears with a godly fear is where we need to be. This will stretch me I know, but I think I've jumped off this cliff enough to know with my spirit that "I will be FINE!"

Well, keep in touch all you hopers!
Love you family
Blessings

Meeting online people in person!

It was super funny and totally unexpected. I'm shopping for.....nevermind....I'm not going to say.....
anyway, I'm in walmart and this girl comes up to me and askes if I'm "carebear".....
She's from BC and visits my blog and recongnized me from the pictures I post! It was so cool! Her name is Tanya and has written some good stuff and has given me some wise advice. I asked her, "are you 'me, my thought and I'?"
To follow that, I introduced her to "livin forgiven" and "lighthouse forever" in person as well.
It was a cool blogger reunion!
Check out her comments of our meeting here!~

So good to meet you Tanya! I'll be visiting your blog more often!
Blessings

Happy anniversary!

So, those of you who don't know my husband Joe, you are missing out!!! BIG TIME!
I wanna take today to tell the world how great he is and how thankful I am that God gave him to me!


I was 16 years old and had just gotten out of drug rehab. On a mission to find some good clean, sober friends that were normal, I decided to go to a prayer group at my high school. I introduced myself to these "weird people" and told them I needed some friends that wouldn't go through my pockets while I was sleeping and only call me when I had something to share. After our meeting, this guy comes up to me with his phone number and says that he could offer me friendship and some clean fun......


Picture this:
A punk in combat boots, a hippie sixties dress and a half my head shaved.
A guy in prep "guess" jeans, his shirt tucked in, a race car that went REALLY FAST, that listened to "that fake dance music" (like, "I like to move it, move it)



He treated me like a queen. Open my doors for me, made me dinner (fake potatoes and fried homemade hamburgers) Gave me flowers, left notes in my locker, drove me ANYWHERE I wanted to go, whenever I wanted to go somewhere.
It wasn't long before we knew we were meant for eachother.
We did end up getting pregnant in our 9th month of dating....

I wanted to give up the baby for adoption. Joe had other plans. Even though he was super young (only 19), he was commited to me and the baby. He had an amazing faith that we would be okay if we got married and started our family alittle earlier. I wasn't convinced. I carried on, making adoption appointments, while he came and tried to convince me not to go through with it. Over and over, he asked me to marry him and start a family.
God filled me with a super natural faith and I said yes. Ever since that day, we always knew that we would be okay. No matter what. Only God knew what was on the otherside of the pregnancy......
a severely disabled child......


Our lives truly are a testimony to God's faithfulness! What Joe and I have been through and the fact that we are sooo in love, have happy kids and live to tell about God's love, says that God can take anyone's life and turn into something beautiful and fruitful.


I can't describe what it's been like to watch joe grow into a Godly man. Ever since the beginning of our marriage, he always had good intentions. His heart was always FOR his family. Growing togehter into learning how to be godly parents and godly spouses has been......eventful......to say the least!!!!
Our first years were filled with mounds of baggage. Sorting through bag after bag was not fun! Just when we thought that we were in the clear....BANG! Something new to work through. It was hard. But God has brought us to a beautiful place. There is peace in our home now. Storms still comes and knock off a few windows sometimes, but God has molded us into a useful vessel that can withstand the wind and rain.
I just wanted to share with y'all how much I appreciate him, love him and to say how proud I am of the man he is.
And the cool thing about all this, is that "this is the worst day of our lives!!!"
cause from this day on, we only get brighter and brighter!
To think that this is only the beginning.....that life just gets better, more abundant......
Glory!

follow through

a spiritual mother at church said to me, "YOU FOLLOW THROUGH...you do what you said you would do, you've commited to this, you show her that you won't ditch her or someone that's not to be trusted."

That's been echoing in my heart ever since then. You follow through. To the end, till it's done. Till you've put your whole heart into it and it's completed.
As a mom, I am seriously challenged with this often. I tell my kids their consequence and then out of ignorance or laziness or forgetfulness, they witness parents that don't follow through. That is NOT the heart of our God. One of my favorite verses these days is the promise that God will finish the work He started and carry on to COMPLETION. He won't give up on me.....ever. His love AND authority stay the same.
In my walk, I am starting to see the bigger picture (for once) of being a follower of Jesus. A sister in church cried out this calling in worship yesterday. "it's all for you Jesus! It's ALL for you! For your glory and your fame.... To take you to the lost world, to the broken hearted and the needy!"
I am tired of being fat! I am tired of feeding and feeding myself for selfish gain. So I can have peace, and joy so I can be free, so I can be happy, so I can prosper.....
you don't recieve because you ask with wrong motives.....so you can spend it on YOUR pleasures
Why do we want all those "blessings" from God?
Well, my heart is to ask to be blessed so that I can bless the hurting, the needy. To fulfull my calling, my awesome destiny! And you know, I don't seem to run dry when my heart is walking in those purposes. I'm not always tired or weary.
Following through means to show the world His faithfulness. Joe and I read the kids their bible story last night about moses and how he was called to go and set the Hebrews free. The word says that "God heard their cry and delivered them" through what means? Moses. God used the faithfulness of a son on earth to carry out to completion His deliverance for the people who were crying out.
I'm sure that after a few plagues, Moses wanted to pack it in. But he followed through and God got all the glory! And Moses got a million blessings beside!
Seek first His kingdom and then and then and then all those things will be added.
I've never up to this point been one to follow through. I usually just blamed it on my sanguine personality, which is a weakness of a sanguine, but I am made perfect in weakness halleluiah!!

I want to follow through in my marriage....everyday
follow through with my children.....everyday
follow through with my spiritual family....everyday
follow through with the world in need.....everyday

okay, now does that ever sound overwhelming
Good thing I can do it through grace and not human strength!!! Whew!!!
Then I won't be weary, but will renew my strength as I do it!!! Now isn't THAT the formula that everyone's been looking for!


What an amazing God we serve!
Praise you Jesus!

I'm pregnant!

Well, last week, I got up and looked in the mirror and said outloud to myself, "I'm pregnant" in a calm, yet very sure voice. I don't have any proof of this physically, but on this morning, I was totally convinced that I had a little life beginning to grow in my belly! I've been pregnant 4 times people....I know what it's like to "feel pregnant"
So later on I told Joe. We were in Walmart shopping and I said to him, "Joe, I'm pregnant" really calm and non chalantly. At first, he just laughed at me and then he looked at my face and realized that I was serious. That same look I gave him when I was pregnant with Faith. He got quiet and seemed to go into another world, in deep thought. It was cute.....:)
At the marriage teaching this weekend, we were taught about the God given roles of a man and a woman. It was such a blessing to hear and talk about our differences and how we make eachother complete! I was all full of joy thinking of how our LORD is so perfect and made it so fun at times on this walk! I love being married! And I ABSOULUTLY LOVE MY HUBBY! He is soooooo awesome....k, that's a rabbit trail for another time......
But in the teaching, Greg affirmed that the man is the seed sower and the woman is the nuturer and the one to give birth. and it is the job of our husbands to be sowing into our lives....LIFE! And that's exactly what Joe's been doing. He speaks into my life all the time! He leads and guides our family, He has direction and purpose....he has passion and conviction!
I am so blessed.

Anyway, God spoke to me in the midst of this and told me I'm pregnant.
"I know that already God...."
"No, my child, you are spiritually pregnant"
all of a sudden, I beamed up with this "pregnant glow" and passed Joe a note to tell him.
He writes me back, "so THAT"S why you've been nesting!"
totally!
I have been trying to get this house in order and really it's in line with that prophetic word about having lots of babies. spiritual and physical. I don't know if I'm physically pregnant or not....time will tell....but I know this is the time for our family to make spiritual babies!

Hee hee
threw you off heh?!
blessings!

Hurricane

Just got back from hearing some amazing teaching by the Mitchell's on marriage.
WOW. If you want your marriage to be good, make Jesus Lord over your life, he'll take care of the rest.
I am learning so much about walking in faith. Greg's wife shared a vision that she had. It was after moses had parted the red sea and all the Egyptians were dead and they were on the other side in their promised land! Well, some of the hebrews went down to the shore where some of the Eygyptians had floated to the shore, layed there dead. The Hebrews started to resesitate them! They were bent over and trying to bring them back to life! And God said, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO BRING LIFE TO SOMETHING THAT I'VE KILLED?????"
Well, that's what I've been doing. I am trying my hardest to submit my eating to the Lord, but when it gets too hard, I give in and binge and throw up. I sooooo badly want to justify it. I wanna say, "yeah but, I don't throw up as often, it's not as big of a binge as others I've had...."
But without admitting and knowing the deepest extent of your crime, you will never turn.

I do know one thing. That is that I will not give up. I will cling to his promises that He will finish this work that he started in me. I KNOW IT! Someone said to me, "you know it's so stupid, because as soon as you start losing weight, and people start to mention it, then you start really messing it all up"
Well, that has also been true. Whenever you take your eyes off of the author, and perfector of our faith, we will trip.
I choose to look up moment by moment. The promised land is a place I have not seen in the area of my eating. It is a scary thing to go towards.....the unknown. I've been chosing the familiar road.
But I know that in other areas of my life where I've walked THROUGH that fear of the unknown.....GOD IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL and YES, the land IS flowing with milk and honey.

So it will be as I give him Lordship of my eating.
Come Lord, I am open and vulnerable. Blogging for all to see, so that in the end they will know
HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!
Just a reminder for all my readers out there, that this is my "mount everest" that I am conquering in the grace of God. And to encourage all those out there to not give up on that ONE thing that they feel God cannot change. Let's walk it together.....GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOUR ISSUE AND HAS A PLAN TO USE IT TO FORWARD HIS KINGDOM
God bless all tonight. Go to bed with praise on your lips and a song in your heart, for His love is unfailing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am I the potter or the clay?

Today in church, a sister, a gifted potter showed us an illustration which a cried through the whole thing. It was the beginning stages of shaping a vessel. The first thing she was doing was getting the clay ready. She kept throwing it on the table. Kneading it, pounding it...everytime she did that, I could feel God doing that to me. I would say in my spirit everytime that clay hit the table with a thump...."OW! OW!" But yet it gave me comfort to know I was in the makers hands and His plans for me are good and to prosper me and never to harm me. What a powerful time in worship. I wanted to share where God is leading me right now. It's all on discipline and Hebrews chapter 12.
Quite a few things jumped off the page this time as I read chapter 12. The first thing I noticed was that God said, "endure hardships AS discipline, God is treating you as sons. Hmmmm. Endure hardships as discipline. How many hardships do you have in one day?
Your children as fighting
You husband phones and tells you he won't be home for another whole hour!
You try to have a nap, but your baby won't let you
You got into an accident and have to find a new car
7 am comes too early
Don't have enough money
can't find a sitter
Someone's gitchies are on the bathroom floor AGAIN!


What do I need discipline for? I didn't do anything! Why do I need the discipline? It's them that are fighting! It's Joe that's late! It's faith that keeps waking up! This isn't my fault!
Are any of these things MY fault?
Did I cause any of these hardships?
Could I even have prevented these things from happening?

For those of you not following....the answer is no....

But God says that we need to endure all hardships as discipline. Our God is so efficient cause He uses everything. These are all hardships that He uses for our discipline. To put the whole chapter together it goes like this....

He is the author and perfector of our faith. Not us. If we were, we would get to choose our hardships. If he's the author, then HE writes the story. Take every thing in your life and treat it that God is shaping us for our own good! It never is pleasant at the time, but later on you will reap a harvest of righteousnees and peace...for those who have been trained by it!

Hey, I could go for that right now! I think we could all say, "yeah, can you pass the peace and righteousness?" But God doesn't pass it out without the training first.

-Fix your eyes
-then God treating us as legitimate children, will show us true love by disciplining us for our own good
-endure it
-Strenthshen your weak knees.....the only way to strengthen something is to train, lift weights, use those muscles, DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR WEAK KNEES!
-Allow yourself to be trained by the trainer.
-then your harvest will be PEACE and RIGHTEOUSNESS!

I have learned that when my God disciplines me...he is loving me. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't care less. He shows me love when he gives me consequences. If I never got any, I would never turn and repent.

What an amazing God. One that loves like no other and yet could destroy us all if He so chose....but He chooses to woo us into repentance.

Those are my thoughts today.
Blessings to all who visit my blog!

Help I'm on a rollercoaster and I think I wanna stay on!

This is a quick update for those that think i've maybe dropped off the face of the earth

I am full swing into homeschooling. I've started Isaiah with the book called, "how to teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons. It's so easy that you can teach almost any age that knows their alphabet! Noah's math program is cool since it's all concrete and hands on. He's done 6 weeks of math in 2 and a half weeks! He's loves math.

I totalled Joe's company car.....well to make a long story short. God tells us to close Compass. God confirms by totalling company car.....

Joe's now at Future shop. So many changes. God is tearing down and rebuilding. That's really all I can say. Everything that can be will be shaken. That is the story of our lives right now. Our marriage, our finances, our parenting, our attitudes, our very core is being shaken

WHOA~!
The first time I went on the rollercoaster at the West edmonton mall.....that's how I feel right now. It's like you know your all straped in. You talk to yourself like a freak:
"okay, there's this shoulder harness here....better check it. I sure hope this ride has had an inspection lately. What if this strap is faulty??? What if this car runs off the track???
Then the punk operator (where do they find these guys anyway???!!!) Walks around the ride making sure everyone is safe. "what if he misses me? He doesn't look like the type that would pay attention to details...."

Well, I've been on the ride more than I can count since then. I love it! The first drop is such a rush!!!! I scream as loud as I can and when I get off, I look forward to the feeling of not being able to walk. I rememeber getting a braclet one time (unlimited rides) and doing the drop of doom and the rollercoaster over and over till it literally took days to get the "feeling" out of my body. I would go to bed at night and feel like I was on the ride....in my bed!!!
I trust the ride now. I know I will be safe. And I know I will come away with an amazing experience after.

Well, Here I am with God on His crazy idea of a ride! I've jumped out of the car a few times and almost killed myself! I'm realizing that it's much safer to stay in the car on His track then it is to jump out. It's been so trust building for our relationship. The more I stay on the ride, the more I'm starting to actually enjoy it. I guess I mean the joy that comes with obeidience. Yeah.....In order to stay in the car, I have to obey His commands and ways. I wanna do it to show Him I love him. To say, "God, you are worthy."

Eating is going okay. I have my moments when I think I "have the right and ability to lead my own life" I am trying to stay focused on Him and keep my mind off of the weight part, which is a struggle sometimes, but He knows my heart. I haven't thrown up in a couple of weeks ( I think...) haven't really kept track, but it feels like a while to me. Trying not to look back but to Him who gives me life and grace to walk this.
I need prayer for my parenting tho. I have been actually yelling at my kids under the stress. THat's so bad! I am constantly apologizing to Noah, but like we discussed at my transformations group last week, "if you are going out and under the umbrella of God's authority over and over....then you aren't really repenting. You are just saying sorry.

Well, blessing and I trust God has all got you on some kind of ride.....I wish I was on the kiddie rides sometimes.....but then again....you wouldn't get the same kind of thrill!! LOL

Alright, that'll do donkey.....that'll do....

Okay, my life is falling apart all around me. Everything that can be IS being shaken. I think.....(God prolly has more up his sleeve I'm sure....)

I am totally convicted these days to be a "DOER of the the word" This morning as I was doing my devotions, I was reading about peace. (I've decided that I need to know what the word says about peace and how to get it and how to KEEP it in the midst of all trials.)
As I was reading, "Keep peace and pursue it" Joe calls shaw cable to find out that we're being screwed! They told us we weren't going to get charged....yada yada....and the lady is saying that we are!

"Hey lady! Don't you know we are without income, my basement looks like a tornado came through, homeschooling is surviving by a thread, our bills are coming out our yin yang and on top of it all.....don't you know that I just finished reading to pursue peace and you are part of my test!!! I really don't like you at this moment and I don't want to pursue peace with you! I just want you to erase my bill so that I can get what I THINK peace is...."

Of course, I didn't say that to her, but I was thinkin it. I failed the test.....again. I hung up on her and then cried some more.....There's no way on earth that that lady would have known I was a follower of Christ. My sister has been sharing some of her learnings with me and how God is showing her what a fool is. A fool is someone who hears the word of God and doens't obey it. That would be me this morning. Oh, Lord I really am trying!!!

Okay, I can do this.....No correction, God can do this through me. I can't do this on my own, I NEED the grace and power of His resurrection. I will get this. I will not give up.....
I will continue to pick up my cross daily....minutly (is that a word?) and follow him. I know God is with me and His love is neverending. The bible says that we are to PURSUE peace....to earnestly seek after it. That means of course.....more action, more "doing" more step by step obedience......sigh......

Those that wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise up like the eagle, they will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint

God, I surrender to you. I obviously can't do this. COme and fill me so that I am impowered to walk walk walk this road.....Love you lots because you first loved me.

It's getting HOT in here man!

Well, right about now I could go for a bigmac loaded with a million lovely calories in the form of mayo, grease and bigmac sauce. On the side would be a supersize fries with mayo on each fry, and then a giant milkshake....rasberry.......
Joe just came downstairs....just now....I have been really fighting "depression" in the last week. Now I don't like using that word, I don't even know it's true definition other than you are all filled with self and need to stop concentration on your pitiful life and look to Jesus. Joe said these things to me, "we need to stick together on this or we won't make it. " ..................................I know he's right..........sigh..........
He said, "we don't have the option to get depressed in our circumstances right now".........He's right again................sigh.........

I've just been tired and overwhelmed. Lani told me a long time ago, she said, "having lots of kids and trying to clean your house is like shovelling snow in a blizzard" That's how I feel my house is functioning right now. My kids are a big huge help...bless their little hearts, they work hard. They can independantly clean their rooms, make their beds, clean the living room with no help, set the table, unload the dishwasher (it takes one on the counter and one passing the dishes)......they are great kids....I've just got a bad attitude and need to fix it real fast!!!

God help!
I see glimspes of the light in the tunnel. I see you are testing me to my very core.....EEEOOUUWWWW!!! I don't wanna jump out of this cooking pot! But it's getting hot in here man! The glimspes that you show me God are full of peace and joy....but I NEED TO WALK through the tunnel, you can't do it for me. I need to lower my pride, swallow the lump in my throat, suck it up and get off my sh*tter.
Joe offered me his hand (literally) I told him my nails were wet and couldn't mess them up. But, I think I better go do what I need to do and go and unite with joe and pray for God's grace and mercy.
He is faithful to those who ask. He is our daddy that will never give us a stone. He WILL refuse, though, if we ask with wrong motives.....Kinda hard to have phony motives when He's pulling you apart and exposing you from every side.
No where to hide anymore....

God, I need you. I choose to fix my eyes. I will WALK where you tell me to. For your glory.....
Love you lots and lots....because you first loved me.

Mount Everest!

Let me take you on my adventure with me! Ready......here we go.....:):)

2 months ago, I am walking with Audrey. I am telling her my struggles with food and my many failures at weight loss. I share with her with a hardened heart of stone that I'm bulemic...and that's just who I am. As we get to my house, she speaks into my life. I've heard encouragement before. Many have told me that God will heal me. I have even tried telling myself the same truths, but it could never penetrate my hardened heart. But this time, without warning, her words cut through like that darn double egded sword! All of a sudden, I am totally shocked that my eyes have tears and my heart is hurting. I tell myself, "hey, wait a second! I don't want to hurt over this anymore! Why is my heart going soft??"
God had other plans.....He usually does.....
God says, through Audrey, "I AM BIGGER THAN THIS STRUGGLE"
It was simply put, said in passing.....but I knew that it was true and that it was time to start walkin this road....

Do you think this journey is about issues with food???
CAUSE IT'S NOT!

God is using this mountain in my life to speak far more than I ever thought possible!!

When I was walking with audrey that day, I took a look at my life as I was sharing my testimony with her. I told her of small mountains, hills and a few valleys. (marriage, kids, staying the path, submitting to authority....) Then I shared with her "my Mount Everest"------> My stronghold of gluttony. The one mountain that will never be conquered. The one place that can not be helped, changed, or touched....
I have told myself that if God conquers this battle----HE CAN DO ANYTHING!

I am no longer afraid
I have jumped off my cliff and into my father's arms.

Looking back, I realize that my perspective was WAY OFF! My "mount everest" was actually a small hill. My lack of faith made a mountain out of a mole hill. God has much greater mountains for me to cast into the sea than bulemia! What are they, I don't know yet, but we are to know in part so that FAITH CAN DO IT'S WORK. The word says that our faith is MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD and that it MUST be proven genuine so that God gets all the glory honor and praise.

I love nin's post! To PUT your hope in the Lord is an action. It's a stepping, it's a physical moving. Not a feeling, not an excitement in your spirit, not a acummulation of knowlegde.....BUT TO MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE.....GET GOING....GO GO GO

I have lost 13 pounds so far....(big deal...) That is the fruit of a STEP BY STEP obedience to God's call.
What was God's call for me?

To loose weight and stop being so fat?
To fit into my old clothes?
To look good for others?
To "feel" attractive for my hubby?
To "help" my self esteem? (By the way, I've learned that "self esteem" is actually the best recipe for depression. Think of the word....SELF esteem?? Aren't we supposed to be selfLESS? Isn't our identity supposed to be in Christ, not in ourselves?)

God's call for me is much greater than all that shallow crap
He desires to set me free
so I can set the captives free
heal the lame and the sick
to GO and make disciples!!!!

And a personal bonus for me.....I can be a dancer without killing myself everytime I jump a few times....(sigh)
This is only the tip of the iceburg.

God is faithful
perfect in timing
perfect in judgement
perfect in love
perfect in compassion
perfect in power
perfect in discipline

The word of the Lord is perfect....totally flawless ( Psalm... something.....)


Thanks for walking with me.
Gotta go keep on truckin'
Love you all!

God, my business man!

Day 2 in our homeschool. It's going good. I'm going to be so busy this year! Glad to know that God is in the business of giving us His grace so we have all we need to do what He wants us to. Faith is such a go getter, climbing stairs, crawling everywhere....and fast!.....She's no longer interested in toys, just where she can go and how's the fastest way to get there. Playpens are boring, jolly jumpers are slow moving and napping is just cruel man!
Trying to keep my home well rounded and balanced. From spirituality to phys ed. From cooking tips to math manipulatives. I have about 5000 drawers in my home now....(exaggeration) so that makes things sooooo much easier. It's all there right at my fingertips.
I'm just babbling....thinking that it's been a week since i've blogged last. There are alot of things below this surface talk that's happening right now, but not the timing to share as of yet. AND NO I"M NOT PREGNANT! I had a dream I was AAAAHHHHH God I hope that's not prophetic!
Well, gotta go make my lawn greener, so that I'll have to cut it more and so on.....
My food journey has over all been going well. Yesterday and today, had another slip.....:( It's so dumb. I don't know why I have it in my brain that I can't ever make a mistake! I have this stupid idea that weight loss won't happen if the track record isn't perfect.....anyway, glad God is in the business of renewing my mind, cause I need a brain transplant...
Going to Tae kwon do tonight with my son....that'll be fun. I was really good at one point in my life. 2 belts away from black but had to quit for money reasons. Glad God is in the business of redeeming and giving back what the locusts have eaten!

I can't believe where God hand picked me from!

I was sitting in my living room listening to a song of old....one that I used to listen to in "my old life".......started to cry of course......

I was overwhelmed with an incredible gratefulness....can't stress that enough. God hand picked me from the road to hell. Some of the memories filled my mind and my heart was just broken. God did it! He just picked me up, where I was at, kicking and screaming (literally) and kept me under his wing until I could stand on my own. I left home when I was 15 and quit school to party all day and all night. My parents didn't hear from me for months at a time. When I think of where that road was going and where I could have ended up.........fills me with intense thankfulness and humility. I didn't deserve to be rescued. I didn't deserve to be saved. I cursed God. But He said, I'll forgive her for she doesn't know what she does.

My life today is a black and white picture compared to back then. Do you even know how I got clean? My parents hid behind a bush of the arcade that I hung out at. When I came strolling out, they grabbed me!!!! They shoved me into a car and drove me to Edmonton to get my head clear. They hid my boots in the oven so that I wouldn't take off. My dad slept on the outside of my bed so that I wouldn't sneek off in the night.

I CALL THAT MERCY!!!!
thanks daddy......I guess that's what it means when you said "you loved us first!"

Keep on truckin'

Last night I messed up again......but once again, God is faithful. The things I am learning on this food journey is amazing! And I am very very grateful for his mercy and grace to walk me through.....

Last night, it was midnight. I was waiting for Joe to get home and I was bored. The piece of pizza that has been calling my name for like 3 days suddendly it's voice got really loud and I gave in. I felt that yucky feeling for giving in to my flesh, and going back down the road I'm trying to get away from. This is hard....but at the same time, it's easy. I know what I have to do.
Sometimes I get annoyed at the "christian cliches" because when they start to mean something to you and become real to you, you all of a sudden realize how you've been using these "sayings" without reverence. Does that make sense? Right now I am talking about, "the battle belongs to the Lord" This is exactly what I am trying to walk out right now. And I am understanding it more and more at deeper levels. I just do what I need to do.....God will change my heart. I can't do that! All I can do is be obeidient. He does the rest. I need to keep my mind and my heart in the place of faith and hope at all times.....HE DOES THE REST!
I know what God says about me in His word. I know what is important to God. My heart! Am I willing? Am I humble? Am I making the right choices? I have a choice everyday. To give into condemnation or give in to hope. And today I choose hope, I choose faith, and I choose God's way. I am tempted often to give into the biggest lie that attacks me, "you've never made it before, why this time, it will be just like all the other times....failure! don't even bother, your messing it up anyway!" What a bunch of #$^%&^*^!^@ (pardon my french) I'm so sick of giving into those pieces of !@#$% lines! MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN ALL MY SIN! AND HE IS ALWAYS WORKING!

Am I going to WALK out my faith?
Do I believe that God is bigger than this stronghold in my life???????
..........................................
Okay then,
Keep on truckin'

It's not about you, it's not about me...

On my deck, suntanning with my sister. She looks at her shadow and starts to comment on her thighs. AS IF! Look at MY legs! Don't even go there nin, you're legs arent' even big....MINE are way bigger. She says, "it's not about you I was talking about my legs, not yours."

That has been echoing ever since. We always make things about us....I always make things about me. When someone is sharing their heart with me, they want me to listen....to them, not to me and my response. It's just something I've been learning to stop making it about me all the time. Start holding things up to the word of God and not my own experiences. These are my thoughts today.

Care bear, firestarter and kids

new family pics....click here!

Flowerlady is pregnant!!!

Extra extra read all about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, Baby faith is crawling! She's only 6 months old! She can cruise around pretty much everywhere! Gotta block off those stairs!
Seems like only yesterday she was as small as a little mouse!






I am feeling joyful!!!!

why obey?

My sis and I were talking about obeying the other day. And some different reasons to do it. All day today, I've been faced with various temptations and a choice. I've always loved that verse that God promises us a way out so we can stand up under it. (1 Cor. 10:13) His voice is usually the quiet one that is hard to hear sometimes. And sometimes, you can't hear it at all due to drowning it out for so long, you have forgotten the sound of the shepard's voice.

Why do we obey? My sis was decribing this unbelievable worship this one day and later in the day, had to make a choice. She chose to obey. Why? She didn't want to loose the prescence of God in her life. The unspeakable joy that comes through lifting Him up and declaring all that He is, is amazing! She knew that if she were to chose to sin, the joy that comes from walking the road of suffering would dissapate.
I've been chosing to obey in this walk with food. Why? My reasons aren't for any feeling, but just cause he plain told me to. Satan often tempts me with the "pleasures of the flesh", and all that "FEELS good..." I'm sure satan doesn't have as much to do with it as we think he does. Our flesh is pretty strong...Mine is very strong.
I am reading a book called, "who you are when no one's looking" Courage is a character trait that is not found easily these days. People are in it for the easy way out, for the quick fix. Why go to the root and go through humilitating pain and embarrasment, when you can perfect a way to look good on the outside? Yep, that's our society. When I think of courage, I think of saving someone's life, running out someone from a burning building, diving in below freezing water to rescue a child. But these stories are once in a lifetime happenings that might not even happen to us at all. This is what I read today in my book.

"Every single day we make choices that show wherther we are courageous or cowardly. We choose between the right thing and the conveninent thing, sicking to a conviction or caving in for the sake of comfort, greed or approval. We choose either to take a carefully thought out risk or to crawl in to a shrinking shell of false safety, security and inactivity. We choose either to believe in God and trust him, even though we do not always understand his ways, or to second guess him and cower in corners of doubt and fear. These choices come our way every day, rapid fire. We face them so frequently that we forget that we are even making them, and we sometimes find ourselves going with the flow instead of carefully making courageous choices. It takes courage to become a christian and even more to BE a christian..."

I was very challenged and encouraged with this. Be blessed today and stay on that road of suffering whatever the cost!! Now is the most important time to stay obedient, cause these are the character buiding moments. Anyone can do good when it's easy! Anyone can make the right choice when they wanted go that way anyway! God is good and He wants only the best for us!

Wanna hear my food journey?

I've had some really good days. His grace is sufficent. He is building my faith on this walk. My relationship to food all my life has been distorted, unhealthy and sometimes even dangerous.

As long as I can remember, food has been my friend, my comfort. I would come home from school after a day of getting teased and stuff my face with chicken burgers, handfuls of parmasan cheese, crackers and peanut butter.....anything to "fill my lonelyness" "bury my pain". I started to throw up my food when I was about 12. It was a cry for help, but didn't realize the pain it would cause me for the next 14 years of my life. It was a way of trying to "find myself", looking for an identity. "I am a troubled young girl. I am bulemic. I need love...." Of course, I didn't look at it like that when I was 12. I just thought it would be a neat thing to try. Looking back tho....that's what it was.
Then as a teen, I discovered drugs and sex. Didn't have to eat anymore! And usually the drugs made me sick, so I lost alot of weight. It seemed to do the job until I was sent to rehab. In rehab, they make you quit drugs, quit smoking, and then they separate the guys and girls! AAAAHHHHHH, now what??? Well, it was a good thing that they fed you 7 times a day in rehab, cause we all woulda went crazy. My roomate from Yellowknife, gained 60 pounds in 3 months!!!!!!!!!!!! She was so depressed that she told me that when she gets out, she's going right back to drugs to get the weight off. I myself gained 30 pounds in 3 months, but came out looking healthy instead like a rack of bones. (my mom didn't even recongnize me after I left home for the summer to party) In rehab, I really struggled with bulemia since I started to gain weight.
I've never had a weight problem until I had Caleb. I gained another 60 pounds in my pregnancy with 30 of it came off the first week. That's when things got really bad. I was bingeing and purging several times a day and battling major depression. Things starting getting better after Noah and since then has been a steady battle. It comes and goes. Sometimes not having an incident for a few months and then 3 or 4 in one month. When I start "dieting" it usually gets worse. I've been on so many yo yo's that I'm nauseated! I want off the rollercoaster and into God's lap.
This time is very different. My emotions aren't flying all over. I'm not even really excited. I'm trying not to obsess like I usually do. And doing everything in my power to stay rightly focused. I think this time, I'm being totally honest. I'm totally broken. And I think of that man in the bible that said, "Lord, I believe, help me overcome my unbelief!!!!" That's me. This journey with food has been never ending! So many failures! So many attempts at this and that. Diet pills, atkins, weigh down, starvation, exercise, obsessive healthy eating kicks, juice fasts, and most of the time I just ignore it. Pretend it's not there. Try to go on with my life like I am normal when it comes to food....but knowing deep down that I'm not normal!
I would ask that as I share this journey with you, that you would just pray for me as you feel led, but I don't really want advice on eating tips or weight loss. This is a journey of healing of my spirit which will in turn show itself in my behaviors. I am trying to walk a road of obeidience in my eating as God is calling me. It's not that I'm all prideful and think I know everything.....I just need to hear from God right now and stay as close to him as possible. He knows my hurts, my past, my wounds that need healing in what time. I am putting my full trust in him and his leading. If you feel strongly to share something, I am very open! I bless you to walk with me! In fact, I WANT you to walk with me! I need you guys! Does that make sense????
Well, better keep climbing......it's a big mountain.....but not too big for MY GOD!!!!!

All that matters....

I couldn't believe it. Joe came home from meeting with moose and I had to tell him that I already messed up. But through it all God was very gracious. He spoke to me through the whole thing. His love is so overwhelming sometimes! Especially when your in the middle of being a schmuck, He just sits there beside you and whispers sweet nothings into your ear.....I've told him to go away before out of shame and He just says that He's not going no where!!!

These were the things that God spoke to me after my slip....
"It's okay, I am still pleased with you. You are walking my way and I delight in the desires of your heart. This will take time....the only thing I ask of you is DON'T GIVE UP! It's that simple! Let me do the rest. You do what you need to do, and don't worry about the healing part. I am guiding you and you are learning to REST in me. All these years you have tried to heal yourself, but now you have to let it all go. Just be with me, walk with me and we will lick this darn thing! (if God really says "lick or darn" I'm not sure...LOL)

So I am at peace. I know that I will make mistakes along the way. My goal isn't to get it perfect, it isn't even to loose weight anymore! I don't care about that part. I just want to be healed so that I can walk impowered in God's call on my life without bondage and strongholds. If I loose weight in the process....whatever....I'm honestly so past that part. It's a heartache that needs healing. I know that on the other side, I will be healthier, more in shape and probably slimer....those are just added bonuses.

Well, gotta carry on.....
Once again....
God help......




Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Time to start climbing.....

I don't want to, my flesh is squeeling like a pig, but I know it's time. Today I start my journey towards being normal. I have to have faith that God is bigger than all my failures, all my attempts and He is bigger than how many years I have been in bondage to this. I have been bulemic since I was 12 years old. That's 14 years of crazy behaviour. God so desperatly wants to heal me from this, but in the last 5 years, I've just been pretending that it's not there, going numb to that part of my life.
I'm not embarrased, you may be for me....but I'm totally broken. And since this blog is a way to glorify my awesome God, I want to, in faith, share this journey so that God may show His healing power through it. I admit that I'm terrified, even tho that God has not given us that spirit. I admit that I lack faith and that I'm afraid of failing again....
Another reason that I share this is that it is a leap of faith with accountability. If I were to keep this all to myself, I am not risking anything. If I failed, no one would know. If I am victorious, no one would know either. I want God to know my determination.
And so it begins.....
God help.....

I'm feeling anxious

What's the weather like over there?

Who knows that I'm a weather freak? Who knows that I am absolutely fascinated with clouds, wind, rain, lightning.... etc. Some of you may even think that I need help.

One reason for my love and passion for the weather is that God is the weatherman. Through the weather, we can all see that He's the dude! He's the man! He holds the weather in his hands. This is one thing about the earth that man cannot control. Every sunset, every breath of wind comes from heaven above. To me, the weather shows God's sovereignty. It shows me that He's in control and He makes the rules. Because His word says that God is perfect and flawless, we can trust that every move He makes is for our good, for our protection and for His glory. With that all said, this is what I need to walk....
Everyone in life is on a different journey. Some are in a valley, some are climbing a mountain, or on the top of the mountain enjoying the view, some are drinking from a crystal stream. Some are caught in a severe thunderstorm. Let me carry on...
Some are hot in a desert. Some are on a beach soaking up the rays of the sun. Some may even be hiding in a cave, trying to shelter themselves from the weather. As I pray and sort out my thoughts and attitudes, I realize that I'm looking at everyone else's journey either thankful I'm not in that storm or wishing I was the one on the beach.

Do I trust God?
Really?
Our God does nothing without purpose. If it's raining, there's a reason. If it's sunny He knows why. If you’re in a desert, He put you there. If you’re on the mountaintop, enjoy the view, it may not last long. Every season is beautiful in it's time.
I know in my heart that He is holding me in the palm of His hand. I know that the other hand is my shade. But sometimes I feel like I'm all by myself getting rained on and it's just not fair. I want to embrace his rain, sun and cloud. For pete's sake even God lived in a cloud! I want to stay the course, stay the path that He has ME walking. God forgive me for not embracing your divine seasons. If it's raining, teach me what I need to learn and most of all teach me the joy that comes with EVERY season. I WILL NOT HIDE IN A CAVE!

You promised us peace. Peace that doesn't make any sense. Peace that endures through any weather. Supernatural peace and joy that comes from embracing the weather around us. All you need is a heart wanting your way and you do the rest! WHEW....that's a load off.... K God, you do it!

I'm feeling determined!

I changed my site ......AGAIN

I've had it on my heart to put a blinkie to each of my blog buddies names. Tonight I asked God to place each blinkie in it's place. So everyone has a customized blinkie under their name! It was really fun to do. Hope you enjoy!
Love you all!

i'm feeling exhausted

I love my hubby!

I got up this morning at 10:00 am *gasp* while my husband got up this morning and unloaded the dishwasher before going to work!

My hubby is so great! I haven't done dishes in like 4 or 5 days! He has loaded and unloaded the dishwasher everyday faithfully without me even saying anything! He has such a servant heart with a desire to walk rightly! I just wanted the world to know today how great he is!


I'm feeling grateful!